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Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus
Wife: what do you mean?
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
Wife: "That's AWESOME, if you do that I'll also do like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: Show up pregnant untouched by my husband.
Husband stayed home all Easter.
:):):):):):):
There was a group of adults who were taking a computer science course at a community college.
After a few weeks of classes the professor decided to have some fun one day as a little learning activity and he divided them into their sex and he put the men on one side of the room and the women on the other side of the room and he said , "I want you all to do a project in the next ten minutes and I just want you to determine what 'gender' computers ought to me"
And so they deliberated and finally here came the men, they had voted unanimously that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender.
So the Professor said, "Alright, share with me your points. They had four points.
They said..... The reason wny computers should be spoken of in the feminine gender is because:
Firstly "No one but their Creator understands their internal logic"
The second reason was "When computers communicate with each other they speak in code language that only they and experts can understand".
The third reason the men gave was "Every mistake you make is stored on their hard drive for later retrieval".
The fourth reason they gave was "Because as soon as you commit to one you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessorising it.
But the women had the last word on this subject.....
The women voted unanimously that computers must be in the masculine gender...WHY?
The women said "Firstly in order to get their attention you have to turn them on....
Secondly they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves....
Thirdly they are supposed to help you solve problems but half of the time they are the problem....
And finally "As soon as you commit to one you realise that if you had waited a little while longer you could have had a better model... LOL
One day Adam asked God "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God answered "So that you will love her". Adam again asked "Why did you give her such long flowing hair?" God answered again "So that you will love her." Adam asked again "Why did you give her such a beautiful figure?" Again God answered and said "So that you will love her." Adam said - "Then why did you make her so dumb" and God answered and said "So that she would love you".
What a woman says.....
"This place is a mess", C'mon
You and I need to clean up
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear"
What a man hears....
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, C'MON
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, YOU AND I
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, RIGHT NOW
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, NO CLOTHES
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and
there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked
everywhere they went?'
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE' He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. And afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' The wife replied, 'The f...kin' funeral director would be my first guess.
For all those men who say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?" Here's an update for you! Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Like I said don't shoot the messenger:)
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis. If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're a moron. Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.
LOL
