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MONDAY'S JOKE

                                      Little Johnny

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
******************************************************************************               TUESDAY'S JOKE
                                      Gender Gap  

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"  He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"  The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."  "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."  The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
******************************************************************************                WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
                                      THE TAXIDERMIST   

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"                             ******************************************************************************              THURSDAY'S JOKE
                                      Dog vs. Fox 

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? 

A: About five drinks.
******************************************************************************                FRIDAY'S JOKE
                                      Contraband Viagra 

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it -- my wife isn't."                                      
******************************************************************************               SATURDAY'S JOKES
                                      Blonde Cruise 

A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise -- Only $5."
She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.
The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
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                                      Coming From All Directions 

A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming, and I knew you were the only one with brakes."
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                                      His Holy Crossword

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
******************************************************************************               SUNDAY'S JOKES
                                      Blonde's Helicopter Lesson

 A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

                                      Get in Line

 A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.
The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

                                      Gloves for His Love

A young man goes to the department store to pick out a pair of gloves for his sweetheart. He is accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, who purchases a pair of panties. Unfortunately, the bags get mixed up, and the man ends up sending his sweetheart the pair of panties, along with this heartfelt note:
"Dearest Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. Your sister was very insistent that the shorter fashions are easiest to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the salesgirl showed me a pair that she's been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. When she tried them on for me, she really quite smart.
The salesgirl recommends that you blow in them when you take them off as they will naturally be a little damp. Also, be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.
I wish I could put them on you for the first time, but no doubt, other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. Regardless, I'm sure all who see you in these will have great admiration for my excellent taste and your fine looks."

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