Like others, I jokingly suggested to a friend that he write my profile for me. What I got back was a 273 page dissertation complete with charts, spreadsheets, eye-witness accounts, video clips and polygraph results. Most of this work will be published in various academic journals on topics as varied as Ethno-Botany, Classical Architecture, Quantum Epistemology, and the AMA, along with US Weekly, Cook’s Illustrated, Penthouse Letters and Highlights. All of which is astounding considering his only bibliography consisted of a volumes E-Q of a 1973 Encyclopedia Britannica and the liner notes to Molly Hatchet’s Flirtin’ with Disaster. Excerpts follow.




“…[H]is habit of invading pantries, throwing together random bits of foodstuff and calling it dinner has repeatedly enflamed the established culinary world, prompting cease and desist orders from the Culinary Institute of America, a threat by Food Network to pull it’s programming in his cable market and a death threat (allegedly) from Jacques Torres. Alton Brown spent an entire episode pleading with him to forego cooking and eat only Krystals. Yet, his dinner guests have often been his biggest supporters, in what many psychologists can only assume is an effect much like the Stockholm Syndrome…”




“…the question of how it is that his two children have managed to grow up relatively normal has spawned what will no doubt be an entirely new branch of child psychology…”




“…[D]ue to his former occupation as a clerk at a used bookstore (perhaps his only respectable occupation to date), his library can only be described as eclectic bordering on manic chaos. Texts in dead languages share space with “Tween” novels and various apocrypha of history, philosophy and comics…”




“…his habit of quoting song lyrics to almost any occasion seems to be genetic as it is a trait shared by both his mother and sister, however, in recent years this “talent” as he calls it has been focuses in an almost obsessive way on a Nashville based band named The Floating Men, which he describes as ‘The Best Damned Rock and Roll Band Ever!’ Debates on this topic have lasted long into the night resulting in restraining orders issued in 3 states and one foreign country (sources suggest that the U.N. intervened in his defense after listening to “Smoking in the Grocery Line”)…”




…after consulting with various political science authorities, it was unanimously decided that politically he can best be described as a “Yellow Dog Machiavellian”, although these authorities admit they themselves have no idea what this means. Given the current Administration, he is expected to be labeled an Enemy of the State at any time…”




The rest of the text is either copyrighted, tied up in legal dramas or is still to be declassified by Bangladesh. All-in-all, though, I think he painted a fairly accurate picture of me.