Ten Life and Love Enhancing Attitudes and Behaviors
One
Be willing to endure "healthy suffering".
"Healthy suffering" is the kind of suffering that comes naturally when
you are attempting to accomplish something of virtue that is difficult.
For example, quitting smoking, disappointing someone with bad news,
writing a book, or correcting a mistake are difficult tasks where we
experience some kind of discomfort. Life is choked full of difficult
problems to face. If we don't face them because we want to avoid the
discomfort that comes with them, we actually create other, often more
difficult problems. These new problems create "unhealthy suffering" and
will continue until you honestly face the original problem. Decide that
you are willing to suffer for a higher good.
For example, if you don't want to quit smoking because you don't want
to gain weight, decide that you are willing to gain weight if that's
what happens. Take the weight off later after you are secure as a
non-smoker. Be willing to suffer the sadness that comes with a
betrayal, the embarrassment that comes with a mistake, the anger that
comes with unfairness, and the fear that comes with risk. If you try to
sweep pain under the carpet, you will suffer more. If you face it, you
are free to go on with your life. Decide that discomfort and suffering
are a natural part of life. Don't run from it. Move through it. It
will lead you to resolution, increase your self esteem and feelings of
empowerment, and even bring you enlightenment.
Two
Be direct. Ask for what you want.
Many people are able to ask for what they want when they are relatively
sure that they are going to get it. Even so I am amazed at how
difficult it seems for many people to just tell another person what they
want. It is equally important to ask for what you want in the face of
difficulty, when you feel vulnerable, or unsure of the results. For
example, when you are faced with what appears to be a difficult or
unreasonable person, do not hesitate. Calmly ask for cooperation and
help. More often than not this approach opens a door for positive
negotiation. Do not expect that others will see what you need and offer
it automatically. Slow down. Calm yourself. Think of positive ways you
can ask for help and support. Offer your help and support in return.
Most people avoid the easy direct route to filling their needs. It's as
though they are waiting for someone or something else to fill their
needs, offer the solution, or provide the opportunity. Many people
"beat around the bush," never saying what they really want and never
taking the necessary steps to reach their goals. In fact, they may work
toward other people's goals more readily than their own. They put off,
unwilling to suffer the discomfort of doing the job. I remember a
client whose husband wanted to go on a skiing vacation. She did not want
to go. However she did not tell her him. So she calculated the amount
of money the trip would have cost and spent it redecorating her living
room, even though it didn't need redecorating. She knew that after she
spent the money redecorating, her husband wouldn't spend money on a
trip. She couldn't simply say to her husband, "I don't want to go on the skiing
trip." All her communications were similarly indirect. No one knew what
she really wanted. What an unhappy way to live.
Directness is a sign of maturity. It allows others to know how you
feel, what you need, and what you expect. There are no confusing
mysteries. Directness opens the door to more aliveness and creativity.
Be direct. Be kind. Be respectful.
Three
Decide that all your communications will be win-win.
We have been raised in a competitive world of win-lose attitudes. We
grow up with the notion that there is only so much love, only one prize,
and a limited supply of anything we value. Without even knowing it we
learn to communicate defensively or offensively, automatically
discounting any possibility of negotiating a win-win solution. We do
this simply because we subconsciously assume that others don't care if
we get our needs filled. I know this perhaps sounds extreme, but
observe yourself and others for a while. See what you learn. Adopt the
attitude that everyone can and should win. Be willing to negotiate until
everyone is satisfied. Don't stop until everyone wins. Be willing to
make reasonable compromises. Never aim to defeat or withdraw without a
win-win resolution. You will find that most of the time everyone can
win.
Four
Set healthy boundaries and limitations with reasonable consequences and
be willing to enforce them.
People often get overwhelmed and defeated by circumstances that they
have set up themselves. For example, scheduling too many things in a
day, allowing inappropriate people into personal business, or allowing
others to take advantage can produce some serious problems that may not
go away. Decide what is truly important, appropriate, and healthy for
you. Do not allow yourself or anyone else to go over those lines. Do
not allow yourself to be seduced or intimidated into experiencing
something that is not in line with your personal ethics. Communicate
your boundaries and the consequences of broken boundaries to others.
When it is right, say "No," even if it may seem to hurt another. Follow
through with the consequences you have set up even when it creates
problems. Be willing to deal with the problems. Remember that enabling
or allowing another to take advantage of you is ultimately harmful for
that person and erodes their character, not to mention your own.
Five
Listen.
It seems that we humans have our own agenda and that instead of fully
listening to others we are busy with our own opinions, needs, and
attitudes. Some people may appear to listen, but are actually silently
preparing for what they want to say next. Good listening takes effort,
sometimes even strenuous effort. Partial listening isolates us and sets
up a win-lose relationship with others. One cannot truly connect with
another unless one listens. When another is speaking set aside your own
agenda for a while and really listen. Focus your attention entirely on
the speaker for a time. This is work, but be willing to do it. Being a
good listener does not mean that you have to give up expressing
yourself. It means concentrating on what the other is attempting to say
for a time. Then you can weigh the message, attitudes, and needs of the other
person more intelligently and respond more responsibly. Good listening
allows you to connect with others, expands your horizons, and offers the
opportunity for real viable solutions to everyday problems. The pay off
is big when you really listen.
Six
Do not let your fear of loneliness or of being alone run you.
Some people will endure unthinkable pain and abuse just to avoid
loneliness. "But if I do what I want I might end up all alone." I have
heard this so many times. What is your life purpose? Is it to live for
other's desires, to do anything just to avoid possible pain or
loneliness, or to live so others will approve of you? If so, you are not
really living. You are just surviving. If your life purpose is to
experience a high level of integrity, love, and creativity, you can be
sure that there will be times when you will be alone and feel lonely.
This is a small price to pay for being fully alive. What a waste it is
to just survive a life. Be willing to suffer the pain of loneliness. If
you stick with it, in time you will find someone that you can always
depend upon and give you great company - yourself. You will learn that
loneliness is a part of life. Every person feels it. Being alone and
loneliness is not a sign of incompetence or inadequacy. It can, however,
be a sign of self-responsibility and creativity. Learn to spend quality
time alone. For example, take long walks where you can think through
things, sit quietly and reflect on your life, or do some mindless task
like weeding the garden while you reflect. This is quality alone time
and will support you on your journey through life.
Seven
Be willing to delay your gratification.
Instant gratification is the culprit of much unhappiness. By taking the
quickest, easiest, cheapest, or shortest route, you most often guarantee
that you will get inferior quality. You are cheating yourself out of
real value and often will have a price to pay for it. Some people pay
the price of their very lives. Be willing to wait a little longer and
effort a little harder. Do not settle for less than you deserve. Don't take strawberry
when you want chocolate. Don't stop at a high school education when
what you want to do requires a college education. Don't allow lesser
people to take your time when you deserve quality people in your life.
Take the long road if the long road will take you to a better place than
the short one. By delaying your gratification you are building your
character, exercising and developing self-discipline, increasing your
self-confidence, and increasing your happiness quotient. Delayed
gratification is an act of love, an expression of how much you care
about yourself.
Eight
Speak respectfully even when you think you have been wronged.
Speaking disrespectfully to another not only hurts another but it hurts
you, too. When you do this you shift your focus from what is virtuous
to what is low. Where you focus, you follow. When you respond with
respect your focus has to be of a higher nature and that is where you
will automatically go. Refrain from "joke shaming" or sarcasm. "Joke
shaming" is putting someone down or revealing their weaknesses under the
guise of a joke. Many people are unaware that much of what they
communicate includes joke shaming and sarcasm. The end result is often
a combative relationship that breeds silent resentment and lacks
essential respect. Do not attempt to motivate or "teach" others by
putting them down, no matter how amusing the joke or justified the
sarcasm. It is better to say what you want and need in a direct and
kind way. Support people by showing them this kind of respect. They
will return it in kind.
Nine
Keep your word even in little things.
Sometimes people say, "I'll call you tomorrow," and don't; borrow
something and don't return it; say, "I'll buy you lunch next time," and
forget; or say, "I'll come to your event," and cancel at the last minute
or simply don't show. This behavior reflects a lack of sincerity and
integrity that subtly undermines trust. When you give lip service to
something not only do you confuse and undermine the trust of others, you
do so as well with yourself. Do what you say you will do no matter how
small or inconsequential it seems even if it is inconvenient. Don't
make casual promises you can't keep just to look good in the moment. It
doesn't really pay in the long run. People learn not to trust you and
you learn not to trust yourself.
Ten
Prioritize your tasks. Do first things first. Start now.
This has something to do with your "healthy suffering." People
procrastinate because they don't want to feel the discomfort that is
associated with doing something inconvenient, distasteful, or difficult.
As a result new problems arise often causing more discomfort
than the original task. Keep this as a rule of thumb: Do the things you
resist doing first. Then you will be free to enjoy the rest of your day. Adopt an
attitude of setting your feelings of resistance aside and forge ahead in
spite of those feelings. You will still feel them. You just are not
giving them power to choose your actions. Now you are in control, not
your feelings.
