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55 Year Old · Male · From Dallas, TX · Joined on September 5, 2006 · Born on July 4th · I have a crush on someone and 3 different people have a crush on me!
15
55 Year Old · Male · From Dallas, TX · Joined on September 5, 2006 · Born on July 4th · I have a crush on someone and 3 different people have a crush on me!
15



Jokes from a *Woman, for the women who have spoken and wished that they could immediately take the words back or that She could crawl into a hole ?


She was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

She was unhappy with the women's type She had been using. After browsing for several minutes, She was approached
by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help Her.

Without thinking, She looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'



*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, 'No.' I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!


*While on a flight from New York , the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced 'Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!'.
No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston , and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers.


Ok now about Me
Well I'm thankful I've been at my current job for about a year now.

I've said this for 30 years. "Life sux's then you die,
Life's a bitch because you pay for every little bit you get." LOL

Some Cherrys have asked why my Salutes: 0 salute photo! After getting RIFed after 9-11 (reduction in force "LaidOff")it Suxed.

My current job doesn't even allow some websites due to security and I understand, due to my security, to stay out of the public's eye good or bad.

I went an helped after Rita tore thru SW Louisiana and SE Texas. It sux's beening without power for 3 weeks but thats life too.







55 Year Old · Male · From Dallas, TX · Joined on September 5, 2006 · Born on July 4th · I have a crush on someone and 3 different people have a crush on me!
Interests
The good old days of NASCAR!

http://www.nascar.com/drivers/dps/akulwick00/cup/data/1992/index.html

Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by


We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(_/_) a Liposuctioned ass


(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Tax MAN.....what happened?!?!?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule.

Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.

Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think.

Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries, then Tax his tears.

Tax all he has, Then let him know, That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers, Then tax him some more,
Tax him till He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid.

Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me
to my doom."

When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply the inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, CDL license Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Dog License Tax, Federal Income Tax, Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel permit tax, Gasoline Tax,

Hunting License Tax, Interest expense Inventory tax, IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax, Luxury Taxes, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road usage taxes, Sales Tax, Recreational Vehicle Tax, School Tax,

State Income Tax (Not in the state of Texas - but the sales tax is 8.25% and rising! Four other states do not have state income taxes.)

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone federal excise tax, Telephone federal universal service fee tax,
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes,
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax,
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax,
Telephone state and local tax, Telephone usage charge tax,
Utility Taxes, Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax

What happened?

And I still have to "press 1" for English



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