enjoy!
guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for
their anniversary
submitted this : Last weekend at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife --
who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY
TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the
button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and I'd know it was
working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that
a one-second burst would shock and disorientyour
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to
one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a
one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if
you ever feel
compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is
no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself You will not
let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing
about on the
floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected what little wits I
had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl