Hi Boss, this is Bob. I can't come into work today..see I got this problem…yesterday, I, well I think I ate too much. I had a broccoli omelet for breakfast, I had beans and hot dogs for lunch, had chili for dinner and then topped it all off with a half gallon of ice cream, even though I'm lactose intolerant. I was fine when I went to bed..but when I woke up this morning and was laying in bed..I..well I farted..I didn't think nothing of it until about 30 seconds later when my cat, who was sleeping at the foot of bed, jumped about a foot straight off the bed and started yowling like someone tossed hot oil on her. She flew around the room, bouncing off furniture like she was trying to escape from something then fled through the door. About 10 seconds later, IT hit me..the overwhelming stench of oh my god all the stuff I ate yesterday. I immediately began gagging and my eyes started watering so badly I could barely make through the green haze that had settled over my bed. I've farted about 30 more times since then and I think I've gotten used to the stink, but the thing is, I fear for my coworkers. I could never expose them to this gas without first making them sign a waiver freeing me of an responsibility for any damage to nasal passages or injuries sustained when they pass out from the odor. I also know that we just had the walls repainted there..and well all the paint has peeled off of my walls here...I am sure you understand why I cannot come in today ( I KNOW you do, as I was in the pisser at work after you and had to use a whole can of OUST to clear the air enough.) Thank you for understanding..This problem will hopefully have passed by tomorrow..and hopefully my cat will come back.
