DOLLFACE's blog: "Greatest Fan."

well dammit, i just moved into this apartment and now i have to move AGAIN. ive only been here about two months. All the sudden my landlord decided to pitch a fit about how many people are living here (3) and then proceeded to ask me why i felt the need to run a dormatory. then she turned my air conditioner off and said i should learn to conserve energy, then proceeded to lecture me on good will and how to treat people, then proceeded to ask me the names and occupations of everyone that has ever been to my apartment, as if it were her fucking business. so i said, im sorry but im 21 years old and im not gonna have my fucking neighbors keeping tabs on who comes in and out of my house, tell them if they wanna stalk someone to find someone with the fucking time to be worried about them. SO ANYWAYS> we found a 3 bedroom apt , i have so much shit this sucks so bad, but it will be better since evan is moving in like a week from today =) =) =),

so go to youtube.com and watch rubber johnny, also....juggernaut bitch, if ur an x-men fan...also watch Kitty Kat. u just type these into the search bar ...lemme know what u think.

So my roomate and I have decided to do an experiment. We have decided that we will only clean up the things we touch, we won't move anything we didn't put there, we won't clean anything we didn't get dirty, we won't do any laundry or dishes that arent ours....and we will see what the apartment is going to look like in aweek if it were only our third roomate living here. this should be fun.

remember how we couldn't figure out a word better than love? WELP i figured one out. It's FLOVE. it's a conjunction of the two words "fucking" and "love" . so when i say , Evan, I FLOVE you!" ...i'm really saying..."Evan, I fucking love you!". super.

i can't stop worrying and i can't stop being all fucking emo. and i don't know what to do and im a fucking mess. why can love hurt so much because its so strong. i wish there was a pill that could make u just not feel anything for 10 minutes . ten minutes of relief would be wonderful. i might be miserable right now but I wouldn't trade my love for him for my hurt. but im worried because we have no way to get ahold of eachother right now. its crazy. i just wanna hit myself in the chest and see if my heart stops. but it won't . make it stop hurting. please. i can't handle it . please.

im miserable.

well i can't find you, and it took me so long to do so. if something happened to you id have no way of knowing. i can't get ahold of you because i don't know where you are. I hope the fact is that you were having fun and safe. But I don't know. i love you so much I'm tired of not having a way to get ahold of you so i don't know what the hell is going on. I don't like worrying. it hurts.

I hope everyone can feel the way I feel right now. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. How do you describe the love you feel for someone when the word LOVE itself is not even enough. There should be a word that means the ultimate love, the most powerful love. Where's the word to describe the butterflies in your stomache or the permanent smile on your face. The funny look you have all day. When people ask you why you're grinning and you shrug your shoulders and all you can say is that person's name. You don't care if you get anything done because you are perfectly content with daydreaming about his face, his voice, his eyes, his laugh...all day. The last thing I think about before I fall asleep is him, the first thing I think about in the morning when I wake up is him, and then of course, dammit I don't wanna get out of bed. "they should name a gender afer him, looking doesnt do it, staring is the only way to get it right". He has my heart, and if he physically needed it he could have it. I try to tell myself when I lay down to go to sleep to try and dream about him, so I can keep the same feeling that I have while I'm awake, while I'm asleep. How do you describe that? I can tell him I love him a billion times and I still don't feel like I'm getting my point across. What's the word for it? I need a word for it.

Im in love. and damn it feels good.