JennaJae's blog: "Graceli Kopanyi"

Prologue

          The first voices I remember hearing were Nicca’s and Dr. Averis’. It started as a conversation in pieces, words such as “unstable” and “no guarantees” preceded the much more devastating “coma.”  It had a very deafening and final sound to it. I wanted to sit up and call the doctor a liar as those particular words were coming from him, Nicca’s contribution was more denial than anything else. I wanted to tell them what had happened and how I came to be here, but no one was listening. Okay, in all fairness I should rephrase that; it wasn’t that no one was listening, but more that I was unable to speak out loud.  This led me to the startling realization that maybe the doctor wasn’t lying. I wished he was.  It couldn’t end like this; there was still too much I had to do! I tried to fight my way out of the dense fog surrounding my brain, but it quickly overwhelmed me.  I floated into nothing but sweet silence and a sense of peace I had not known since childhood.

          It was arguing that brought me back to the present. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, nor did I really care. I tried to concentrate on the words because Nicca and Dr. Averis never argued.  It was odd to hear the pair raising their voices in harsh, clipped tones.  Nicca and I fought about the doctor, but never did the two men become confrontational. Their words began to penetrate the fog in my mind.  

“…call  her sister?” I wanted to veto, but was of course denied - as after all, I still wasn’t an active member of the conversation.

“…the right thing to do?” I wanted to argue when I heard that as well. As if Talissa has ever done the right thing in her entire life! I didn’t want her here! Hasn’t she done enough? I wanted to demand out loud, but no one was asking my opinion and once again I found it too difficult to hold on to the world just beyond my grasp.  I instead, let myself drift from all of the quarrelling.

          I heard many voices floating through my head. While I wished, at times, to respond I found I was content where I was too. It made no sense to me because I wanted to be there but at the same time I knew I had things to confront in that world that I was simply not ready to deal with.

I looked forward to hearing from Nicca. He would come in often and play some of my favorite music for me, alternating Demona Bast and Kevin Fassanella.  Both have voices I’ve not only always found to be very soothing but with powerful lyrics to boot! Nicca would keep the music on low and talk to me. He would bounce between pretending to hold conversations with me and just ranting about the injustice of the situation. It wasn’t perfect but at least he was here and talking to me. Maybe things would turn out okay when I woke up.

            Every time I heard his voice my heart skipped a beat; it always had.  It still did, even if only in my mind.  Because if it showed on the monitor, he gave no sign of noticing. Fallacy and fantasy, hearts don’t really do that, just like they don’t really break. It just feels as though it should to justify the pain a person’s made him or herself believe in, to make it more real if only to themselves. Sometimes I really hated that I was so logical. Was it asking so much to be allowed to wallow in emotional distress for once?

          My feelings for Nicca would have been enough to make me want to claw my way back out if it had not been for everything that had happened. It was a desire for avoidance that kept me here. I wasn’t ready for the confrontation; I hated to fight. Well, that’s not entirely true, I do believe in fighting for what’s right and just, but I’m not sure where that is in this situation. It would be more fair to say that I wasn’t ready to face all of the lies, accusations, or the hurt and disappointment. It was apparent to me that this was my choice. Otherwise I would have come through or died by now. Nothing was keeping me here but me. It was annoying that I seemed to be nothing more than a casual observer in my own world, unable to interact or affect anything. I was waiting somewhere deep within myself, afraid to move and unable to reach him. But it seemed being annoyed wasn’t enough.

I knew that they were only talking to me at the request (well, it was probably more of an order) of Dr. Averis. Gage and Tal weren’t here for my sake, I knew that. They were just here to cut down on the questions. Everyone knew it wasn’t me they cared about; no one was challenging them, though. No, that’s not fair, Nicca was suspicious and had called them on it a couple of times.  Whenever it got heated or they came close to telling him anything important, the nurse would come in and break things up.   I found myself wishing she would mind her own business long enough to get this entire out in the open.  It would make it so much easier for me to come back and I wouldn’t have to deal with these secrets alone. Considering that I also didn’t want them there made for a challenging game of tug-of-war with my own wants…

          “Talon, I need you to wake up,” he would whisper and I desperately wanted to do as he asked.   I wanted to talk to Nicca, still I found myself locked in the confines of my own mind and unable to do so.  There were so many things left to discuss – questions to answer.  I wished I could at least smile at him, brush his curls back from his forehead and tell him that everything would be okay. He kept his hair short, but it grew fast and I was forever pushing it back. Would I ever be able to do that again?

          I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. His words floated through my head again and again. “I shouldn’t have left like that.”  No; he shouldn’t have.  Then again, I shouldn’t have let him. It was my fault, all of it. Part of me felt I deserved to be here like this.

          In a perfect world I would have been able to reach him and let him know that it was going to be okay, but I’m so tired.  I’m just so tired.  Sleep and silence swept over me, leaving me blissfully numb.

“Tallie, you need to wake up; the world sucks without you in it.”  His words were a ghost of a whisper in my mind and yet still managed to grate on my nerves.  Gage’s words were nothing more than a cheap imitation of those Nicca said to me when he was by my bedside.   Gage wasn’t a bad guy, even after all we have been through I know this.

          “She’s not coming back for you.” I heard Tal sneer. Oh, my dear sister, ever the sweetheart.

          “Wake up already! Do you want to be here or not?”  Her words were snide and abrupt. “You’ve never been so indecisive in your entire life.”  Her voice seemed to soften at the last words, though it was probably my imagination. “Snap out of it or let go!”  Oh yeah, I must have imagined the softness; there was nothing soft of my twin’s attitude towards me. I’m sure that my indecisiveness had been a great burden for her to bear. Shame on me, how heartless I have been.

          It surprised me to hear Gage snap at Tal saying: “You aren’t helping!”  Nicca shushed him, but after a moment of silence the order was disregarded.  Gage’s stunned voice echoed in the otherwise quiet room.  “Did she…?”  

          “Yeah!  She squeezed my hand.”  Nicca shared with them, excitedly.  Well, he shared it with me too.  It wasn’t as though I could actually feel anything.  I guess you can do anything when you are angry enough. All traces of softness left his voice when he went on to say “She will be okay and the two of you will have a lot of explaining to do.”   Damned right! I seconded from my observatory place in the conversation. Did he know about what happened? I mean, he was incredibly smart; he had to know, right?  That would make things so much easier. 

          “I don’t know!”  I heard Tal screech at him. More calmly she added, “I wasn’t there, and I have nothing more to say on the matter.”  Tal had always been that way, laying on a thick layer of false calm to cover up something she had done.  It was really starting to piss me off.  And I would tell her that soon enough. I would tell them all exactly what I thought and felt.

          Suddenly I realized just how tired I was.  Even with all of the anger bubbling beneath the surface, I was too exhausted to actually open my eyes and face her, face everything.  It needed to be done – and I thought I was ready.  I wanted to talk to Nicca, tell him everything I hadn’t.  He had to know how sorry I was.  I hoped that he had forgiven me… He had to have, right, or he wouldn’t be here by my side now? 

Even as my resolve to face my future grew stronger, I felt myself slipping further and further away.  I couldn’t hear them anymore, if they were even still there.  I felt as if I was being sucked into blackness now that I was actually trying to claw my way back.  I felt the fear anchored to me, tugging me deeper and deeper.  Where is this dark place I’m sinking?  I can’t breathe; I can’t think; I can’t find my way out.  Will I… Can I… Is this a life worth saving?