Scarlet Angel's blog: "Funny Stuff"

I saw this on a guys Myspace "About Me"... Which he got from George Carlin.... "I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural, postmodern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a hightech lowlife. A cutting edge, state of the art, bicoastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! "I’m new wave, but I’m old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hotwired, heatseeking, warmhearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive. "Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet and pushin' the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top and under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam dunk, rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial! "I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta blockers. "I’m a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid back but fashion forward. Upfront, downhome, low rent, high maintenance. Supersized, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready and built to last! I’m a hands-on, footloose, kneejerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic, and I’ve got a love child that sends me hate mail. "But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cashflow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender-specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant. "I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my e-mails and the software on my harddrive is hardcore -- no soft porn. "I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bitesized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. "I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin' in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin' tough, over and out!"

This is an actual alert to Microsoft Field Engineers that went out to all Microsoft Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous. ((LOL!)) Memo: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately, or at your next convenience. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should seek immediate technical support.

***Beware, New Date Rape Drug*** Body: Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers", men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted to. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group near you, google it. If you dont get help on google, please get help somewhere

~ Why do redheads really like their hair color? It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls... it fires them up! ~ Why didn't Indians scalp redheads? They knew better. ~ Why aren't most redheads flat-chested? It makes the T-shirt reading more exciting. ~ Who makes all the bras for redheads? Why, Frederick's, of course! ~ Why are redheads so proud of their hair? It's a clear indication of their feisty and "fiery" nature. ~ How can you tell a redhead is lonely? There are less than 5 men around her. ~ Why are redheads considered evil? Aren't *all* addictions considered bad for you? ~ What is the most frustrated animal in the world? A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting "zero." ~ Why don't redheads wear training bras? There's nothing "in training" on a redhead. ~ Why did they quit selling redheads Barbie dolls? Ken kept having low self esteem issues. ~ How do redheads get the tangles out their hair? A bottle of wine, candles, a good brush, and an even better man. ~ What kind of costumes do redhead girls wear on Halloween? The kinds of costumes their mothers don't let them out the door with. ~ Why don't redheads get breast implants? Why improve upon perfection? ~ What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover? Nothing, 'frustrated' and 'uninterested' don't appear in a redhead's vocabulary. ~ Why did God create redheads? He looked at Man and said "Good, now let me reward him to the fullest." ~ What do redheads miss most about a great party? The lack of equal partners in the men. ~ How do you describe a redhead whose phone rings on Saturday night? Busy. ~ What do you call a good-looking man with a redhead? Extremely lucky. ~ How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl. ~ How did Revlon come up with its redhead hair color? Does the word "passion" ring a bell? ~ What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed? A blonde lets you leave her bed when you are satisfied; a redhead lets you leave her bed when SHE is satisfied. ~ How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? She has scratched "Stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her claws.... er... nails, that is. ~ Why don't redheads like plastic vibrators? Too frail for endurance. ~ How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead? She unties you. ~ Brunette after sex, "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?" Blonde after sex, "Next!" Redhead after sex, "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid!"

Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh!t too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheer leading witch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her, made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

According to studies, the first letter of your FIRST name reveals your sexual identity ... What do you think? Repost this with the letter of your FIRST name. -A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested inaction. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure,and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, its action that counts not obscure hints.Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern. -B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very ha ppy to receive gifts as an ___expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your ___expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment. -C- You are a freaking beast. You are the sexmaster. You do what you want, when you want...and it comes as no surprise because everyone always wants it from you. You are definately the best ever. Others should stop now to save the embarrassment. -D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual,passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement,sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open mind. -E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bed mate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.) -F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic life scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover. -G- You are crap in bed! (Remember....I didn't write this!!!! LOLOL) -H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partne r. Before the commitment, though,you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover. -I- You have a great need to be loved and appreciated... Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing.You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual ___expression.You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual,but you are sometimes downright lustful. -J- You are totally fucking marvelous! -K- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners provided it's all in good taste.Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving,cuddling, wining,and dining to know that you're being appreciated. -L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere,passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life,nor of your sexual fantasies. -M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your mate. -N- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are a flirt yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual,and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy,extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover. -O- You are very interested in sexual ac tivities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check. -P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification. -Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers,and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going. -R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However,physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy,but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher.Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate. -S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. -T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head. -U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own. -V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out.You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on,even though you yourself may not be a participant. -W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games. -X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease.You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love.You can have the greatest love affairs all by yourself, in your own head. -Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy n ecking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open,stimulating and romantic -Z- You are and very attentive person, who requires the same attention in return from your partner. In love you seek quality, not quanity. You are secure in your sexuality and seek the same in a partner. Beauty comes naturally to you and you will look for the same in a partner. You are loving, caring and open minded. You like cheese.

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008 Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm voting for, you will also agree. For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems. PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment.... MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!! Very eloquently put...........don't you think? Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."....... Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita." "I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate." The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals . The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead. ~~~~~ If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, nothing will happen...but you will rob them of some great laughter! So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.