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>> >> Fourth Place : >> >> A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he >> does, his elbow goes into her breast. >> >> They are both quite startled.The man turns to her >> and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, >> I know you'll forgive me.' >> She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your >> elbow, I'm in room 221.' >> >> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >> Third Place : >> >> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the >> husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. >> >> The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've >> got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' >> >> The husband, rejected, turns over. >> >> A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps >> his wife again. >> >> 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' >> >> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ >> >> Runner Up: >> >> Bill worked in a pickle factory. >> >> He had been employed there for a number of years >> when he came home one day >> >> to confess to his wife that he had a terrible >> compulsion. >> >> He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle >> slicer. >> >> His wife suggested that he should see a sex >> therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. >> He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. >> >> >> One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his >> wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. >> >> 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. >> >> 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this >> tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' >> >> 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. >> >> 'Yes, I did.' he replied. >> >> 'My God, Bill, what happened?' >> >> 'I got fired.' >> >> 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle >> slicer?' >> >> 'Oh....she got fired too.' >> >> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >> Winner: >> >> A couple had been married for 50 years. >> >> They were sitting at the breakfast table one >> morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting >> here at this breakfast table together.' >> >> 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably >> sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' >> >> 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old >> times.' >> >> Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat >> down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly >> replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years >> ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's >> in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal =============================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your >> turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a >> smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We >> all need to smile every once in a while.
Top 10 Scientifically Inaccurate Movies Armageddon We could put together a long list of all the things wrong with Michael Bay's feel-good ode to global destruction, but NASA has already and they counted at least 168 mistakes. But perhaps the biggest problem is that the plot itself -- splitting a Texas-sized rock in two with a single nuke -- has a Texas-sized hole in it. We don't have a nuclear bomb anywhere near powerful enough to do the job. As strange as it might seem, this is a case of a Michael Bay movie not having a big enough explosion. Independence Day That mammoth mothership hovering over the earth in geostationary orbit would be doing more than just freaking out the world's population. Because of its close proximity and mass -- 1/4th that of the moon, according to the film -- the flying saucer's gravitational pull would cause massive tidal waves, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes. The aliens wouldn't even have to roll out their anti-matter ray to blow up the White House -- it would already be underwater. Starship Troopers Could a band of cave-dwelling, preverbal giant insects really have the sophisticated mathematics and technology to hurl a rock millions of miles through space to crash into Earth? Plus, 70% of the planet's surface is covered in water, so they only had a 3 out of 10 chance at even hitting solid ground, let alone a major city like Buenos Aires. The Day After Tomorrow Roland Emmerich brought his trademark academic rigor to the realm of climatology and the result proved to be so silly that NASA refused to help with the filming of the movie. For one thing, it would require most of Antarctica to melt in order to submerge New York City to the level it is in the movie. If all the rays of the sun were directed at the South Pole, its ice would melt in about two and half years. This ridiculousness drove Duke University paleoclimatologist William Hyde to publicly state, "This movie is to climate science as Frankenstein is to heart transplant surgery." The Core In the movie, the Earth's inner core -- a nickel-iron mass about 1500 miles in diameter -- stops rotating, causing the planet's magnetic field to collapse and microwave radiation from space to blast through the atmosphere. But microwaves aren't affected by magnetism, and the radiation that comes from space is too weak to damage anything here. What's more, if the core did stop rotating for whatever reason, we'd have more to worry about than that. The energy stored in the core would have to go somewhere, and the effect on the planet would be equivalent to five trillion nuclear bombs going off at once. The Matrix Much in the way of physics in the Matrix -- like dodging bullets and running up walls -- gets a pass because it's all within a massive virtual world. But in reality, our supposed robot overlords are a bit dim. Humans are a remarkably inefficient energy source. Instead of turning the human race into Duracells, the machines would probably get more energy just setting those goopy people pods on fire. Jurassic Park Having a wildlife park full of dinosaurs would be a really cool idea if it weren't for a few problems. No, not imperfect security or the possibility of spontaneous lizard sex changes. The problem is that it would be almost impossible to clone the dinosaurs based on DNA pulled from the guts of a 25 million-year-old mosquito. The dinosaur DNA's double helix most certainly would have been broken down into individual chunks, mixing together with whatever else the mosquitoes might have eaten along with some of the insect's own genetic material. Any creature constructed from that mess might be the stuff of nightmares, but probably wouldn't look like a T. Rex. Total Recall The red planet's gravitational pull is roughly 1/3rd that of the Earth's. So if, for example, an Austrian bodybuilder were to visit Mars, he would be bounding across the room like Michael Jordan. Another problem: when exposed to the thin atmosphere of Mars, like bad guy Cohaagen at the end of the movie, you would likely suffer from a raging case of the bends and you would asphyxiate -- both of which are plenty lethal -- but your head wouldn't bulge out and explode like an overused stress toy. Outbreak A monkey threatens a small town with a virus that kills everybody in less time than your average DMV visit, and only Dustin Hoffman can stop it. The trouble with a disease that virulent is it kills the host too fast to spread. Otherwise, we would be dead from the Ebola virus. Also, it generally takes longer to make a cure from monkey serum than it does to make a latte. Dustin Hoffman does look great in a hazmat suit, though. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Indiana Jones has survived a lot of improbable adventures, be it fleeing ancient spherical boulders or fighting off cult members while dangling off a rope bridge. But few scrapes have tested the bounds of believability more than Indy's escape from a nuclear bomb blast thanks to a lead-lined fridge. The problem is that, even if he didn't get flattened, horribly burned or suffocated (kids, don't hide in refrigerators), Indy almost certainly would have gotten a lethal dose of radiation from the fallout. And that's a lot scarier than snakes.
Spanish Words of the Day 1. Cheese The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, pero Cheese fat. 2. Mushroom When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 3. Shoulder My Tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. 4. TEXAS My ruca always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 5. Herpes Me and my ruca ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 6. July Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! 7. Rectum I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum! 8. Juarez 'One day my abuelita slapped me and I said juarez your problem?' 9. CHICKEN I was going to go to the store with my wife pero chicken go herself.
Video games turn kids into killers? Not so, says new book Just because you play as a criminal doesn't mean you'll become one. By Ben Silverman While their digital pastime is often credited with eroding the state of contemporary literature, gamers have found an unlikely ally within the pages of a new book. Penned by Harvard Med School researchers Lawrence Kutner and Cheryl Olsen, "Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do" refutes common conceptions about the causal relationship between violent video games and violent behavior. In other words, playing a few hours of GTA IV will not result in your kid stealing a car, careening through traffic and gunning down civilians. "What I hope people realize is that there is no data to support the simple-minded concerns that video games cause violence," Kutner told Reuters News Service in an interview. Their findings are a result of a two-year study of over 1,200 middle-school students. Unlike most studies set in sterile lab environments using psychological triggers, much of their data was collected by -- brace yourself -- actually talking to their young subjects. The researchers did note a link between mature-rated titles and aggressive behavior, as a significant number of both boys and girls who played M-rated titles reported getting into more fights over the past year than kids who didn't play M-rated games. However, Kutner and Olson point out that this simply demonstrates a correlation between violent games and aggression, not that one causes the other, suggesting the possibility that the kids attracted to mature-rated games were naturally aggressive to begin with. Ultimately, "Grand Theft Childhood" advises parents concerned about their child's behavior to consider a wider range of factors than just their interest in violent games, including bad grades, too much fighting and, of course, obsessive gaming, so you might want to start trimming down those marathon sessions of Halo 3 when mom's around (or better yet, get her to play along with you).
By ARIEL DAVID, Associated Press Writer Believing that the universe may contain alien life does not contradict a faith in God, the Vatican's chief astronomer said in an interview published Tuesday. The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones. "How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" Funes said. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation." In the interview by the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said. The interview, headlined "The extraterrestrial is my brother," covered a variety of topics including the relationship between the Roman Catholic Church and science, and the theological implications of the existence of alien life. Funes said science, especially astronomy, does not contradict religion, touching on a theme of Pope Benedict XVI, who has made exploring the relationship between faith and reason a key aspect of his papacy. The Bible "is not a science book," Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for the creation of the universe. The theory says the universe began billions of years ago in the explosion of a single, super-dense point that contained all matter. But he said he continues to believe that "God is the creator of the universe and that we are not the result of chance." Funes urged the church and the scientific community to leave behind divisions caused by Galileo's persecution 400 years ago, saying the incident has "caused wounds." In 1633 the astronomer was tried as a heretic and forced to recant his theory that the Earth revolved around the sun. Church teaching at the time placed Earth at the center of the universe. "The church has somehow recognized its mistakes," he said. "Maybe it could have done it better, but now it's time to heal those wounds and this can be done through calm dialogue and collaboration." Pope John Paul declared in 1992 that the ruling against Galileo was an error resulting from "tragic mutual incomprehension." The Vatican Observatory has been at the forefront of efforts to bridge the gap between religion and science. Its scientist-clerics have generated top-notch research and its meteorite collection is considered one of the world's best. The observatory, founded by Pope Leo XIII in 1891, is based in Castel Gandolfo, a lakeside town in the hills outside Rome where the pope has a summer residence. It also conducts research at an observatory at the University of Arizona, in Tucson. ___ On the Net: Vatican Observatory: http://clavius.as.arizona.edu/vo
Not just for Ladies with Parrots (hehehehehe) A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. ' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird. ' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. ' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion. ' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that. ' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman. ' 'What are you talking about?' asks the guy. 'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. ' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up h er nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' 'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!' (Just have to grin and Bare it I guess...... If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day)
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice, S&M style stilettos and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?''
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What’s this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." "So, when do I start?"
Are you hitting the spot for her in bed? Well… it depends. New research confirms that the G spot really does exist and pushing her button the right way will trigger an elusive vaginal orgasm – but not all women appear to have this pleasure point. In the study, doctors took ultrasounds of 9 women who said they had vaginal orgasms and 11 who said they didn’t. The scans revealed thicker tissue on the front vaginal wall of women who were able to orgasm without simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris. Women who don’t have a G spot can still have a regular orgasm through clitoral stimulation. But if she does have the G, you can take her O to new levels with a few simple tricks.
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