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SassyMysticDawn's blog: "FUNNY STUFF"

created on 04/24/2008  |  http://fubar.com/funny-stuff/b210137
1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat turkey or chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. 3. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. 4. Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is No Pain -- Good. 6. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 7. Q: What's the real secret to healthier eating? A: Thicker gravy. 8. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 9. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. 2. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. 5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. 6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute. 9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. 10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags. 11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. 12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. 13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. 14. Women would rule the world.
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