Crimsonlpn's blog: "First blog"

Where do I start? What do I do? Our weekend together was amazing and so comfortable, well after the first few hours. I was so nervous I wouldnt be what you thought or wanted. I bought special clothes for that first time you would see me. I wanted to feel so pretty but still was still aprehensive. You have never made me feel that way but it's inside me. I melted when I looked into your eyes the first time. I wanted to kiss you so badly... but was too afraid to make that first move. Then you didn't either and I got even more nervous. The thoughts running through my head made me feel so scared. All I kept thinking was "He's not into me... He's not attracted to me." That night... you showed me I was wrong. 

We had so much fun together. We laughed and talked and got to know more about each other. I would wake in the middle of the night and just look at you, watching you sleep. Wanting the night not to end but wanting you to wake and hold me. You would wake and move closer to me after I had dozed back off to sleep. I would wake feeling your arm around me. I never wanted the nights to end. 

That first time you took my hand in yours, I melted. When you placed your hand on my back and opened the door for me, my fires ignited. Could you tell what you were doing to me? I tried to look into your eyes and show you, but I dont know if you saw. I would look into your eyes and stare until you caught me, then I would smile and act like I had just looked up. Did you know? Could you tell? I felt my heart filling and wasn't sure what to do... I still don't.

Saturday, I started falling more in love with you. I know it's soon and not sure what you are feeling but I cant stop it. Everytime you looked at me when you were singing  made my heart grow more. You have no idea how much those two hours meant to me. 

I'm falling in love with you and don't know how to tell you. I know there are things going on that make this hard, but I am willing to wait. I just need to know if you are feeling the same way. How do I ask? And when I can, how do I deal with it if you don't? 

I dont really have anyone here to talk to that knows me well so I'm gonna say it here. I have always been shy... no matter how I seem when I talk to people online. I am always self conscious about myself, the things I say, or how I sound. I have a hard time talking on the phone... I blank out and become a space cadet and lose my train of thought. That was true until you.....

I'm not even sure how I found your page.... or how you found mine. All I know is everything has changed since then. Things seemed to click into place right from the start. We chatted here and there, then I got brave... I gave you my number. Something I haven't ever done before. Not trying to sound like a prude or anything.. I was just always too shy or scared.  Rejection has always been a paralyzing thought for me so I have always "played it safe" and just waited. If it happened, wonderful.... if not, well that's ok maybe next time.  Completely different with you. I couldn't wait to hear your voice and find out everything about you. 

Those first few conversations were amazing! We talked and laughed and have so many things in common. I felt myself falling even then. That Saturday night... was so intense, mind shattering. I coudn't get enough of you. I was so nervous, but then not. I felt connected to you and knew it would be "ok." I became addicted to your voice that night, and needed to hear you every day. Messaging here and there made me smile but hearing you on the other end of the phone... made my heart full. I got butterflies.... and still do when your ringtone sounds. 

We both knew things were happening fast... both felt it and wanted to be cautious. But I couldn't. I didnt want to slow down... my heart wouldn't let me, regardless of the life issues we both have. I felt like I found my "person" and wasn't letting go. Where were you my whole life?? Why did I have to have so many bad ones before finding you? Does it matter? NO. I found you and have you now. That's all that matters. I smile more now than I have in my entire life. The people I work with have noticed... and ask me "What is goin on with you?" 

My answer to them is... I met someone. Someone who makes me smile all the time. Someone who makes me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted, and needed. Something no one else has made me feel before. I was always wrong, not good enough... "unworthy," too this or too that, or just something to be used, abused, then thrown away. You make me feel like I matter, that what I have to say is important and you really want to know. 

I'm so scared right now... I have never felt so strong about someone before. Not even the two times I was married. It hasn't been long, but I know if something happened, I would be devastated for the rest of my life. I want you to know how strongly I feel about you.. but that fear.. stifles my words. I'm falling in love with you and can't stop or slow down. I know when I put my arms around you or have your hand in mine, it will be like my other half has found me. I'm saying this here because I need to say it but I am so scared of what you will say.... The heart wants what the heart wants. It cannot be denied or substituted. 

And my heart knows what it wants..... It wants you.... 

So I'm new here. Just joined to see what this is all about. I have heard about the site and may have been on it a long time ago but not sure. I am recently single after 13 years of lies and being used. But I am working through that and want to start my life again. I am a 47 year old nurse with red hair and blue eyes. My hair color is fading but my fire isnt even if I dont feel this way all the time. I live in Florida and am glad to be away from the snow. I was born and raised in Ohio and have had enought of the cold. I hope to get more familiar with the site and be able to do more. Talk at ya again soon