NitaSpankin's blog: "Dear You"

Dear You,

It has been weeks since I last spoke with you. The pain of that seems to be more than my fragile heart can take. It seems as though the feelings you have for me have completely disappeared, and as much as it kills me, I guess I have to let you go. Though honestly, I do not think that task will be as easy for me as it seemed to be for you. Our friendship has lasted through the years and you have always been my best friend but, you changed all that after the 1st of November. 

It was as if I no longer mattered to you. The one night we spent together will always be the greatest night of my life. You held me, carassed me, made me feel wanted and needed. You made me feel like I was the only one in the world for you, like I had the whole of your heart in that moment and not just a piece of it. I will never forget that Halloween night. We made love for hours, until the soft light of dawn shone through the windows. When we finally fell asleep, I drifted off to the most peaceful rest I have ever had in my life. You held me like I was the world in the palm of your hands. The beat of your heart was my lullaby. When you told me you loved me, for maybe the thousandth time since I have known you, my heart stopped for a moment and felt like it restarted with your love. I was enamoured by you, in love with you. In that moment I knew that I loved you, too.

Unfortunately, the euphoria of that moment did not last. When we woke you turned cold, distant. You went from needing to speak to me, to never wanting to talk to me at all. It was as if you hit a switch, and the man that was lying beside me no longer existed. I was looking at a hollow of what you had once been. Now you wont even acknowledge me. It is as if you are a stranger, as if you were never my best friend, as if I never mattered. You acted like it never happened, that WE never happened. Now I sit here, almost 4 months later, with the reminder of that night growing inside of me and you are nowhere to be found. You will not speak to me, you will not see me, you do not hear me crying. I sleep alone, I love alone, I hold myself because it is as though no one else wants too. 

I am trying to hate you. I am trying to hate everything about you. From the soft twinkle of your dark brown eyes when you laugh, to the crooked twitch of your lips when you find something funny, to the way you carry and assert yourself as a man. I want to hate you. I want to hate you more than I have ever wanted to hate anyone in my entire life. I risked everything I had for that one night of bliss. I have risked everything for your friendship, for your love, and none of it matters to you. The life that I carry, you helped to make, and since it seems as though you got what you wanted, I do not matter, they do not matter. We are nothing to you and that hurts more than knowing that the years wasted on friendship could have been spent loving someone else. That I could have, no, SHOULD have walked away from you since the very beginning. 

I cannot hate you, though. No matter how hard I try. I still think of you quite often, in fact, you are always at the front of my mind. My first thought when I wake, my last when I drift to sleep. You are even there in my dreams. I feel as though the years we have spent together, our years of friendship and mutual respect and care for the other was a lie. I feel as though you have lied to me the whole time. If all you wanted was to have sex, then why did you lie to me? Why did you claim to love me? Why did you tell me you wanted me, that you needed me? When it clearly is not true? How do I tell this child that they were concieved out of love when the love I thought I had from you disappeared so quickly? How could you sleep with me, hold me, make love to me the way you did when you weren't going to stay? How could you leave us this way?

Sincerely,

Nobody..