I just want to be with somebody who WANTS to be with me
Is that too much to ask for? Somebody who is willing to put
as much into a relationship as I am. Maybe I want a whirlwind
romance. Someone who will sweep me off my feet.
Someone who realises how precious life is and how fleeting it
can be. Someone who will take advantage of every moment
they have to be near me. Someone who is as crazy about
me as I am about them.I just feel so hopeless. Like it can never
happen for me.

I look around me, and at people I have known in the past.
I see so many people who don't even seem to realise what
they have. Drugged out crackwhores who are married with
families that they dont even care about. (admittedly, they
are not too discerning and would settle for anyone, which
eases my mind a bit to know that I am not just so messed
up that nobody would want to be with me.)

I see the workaholics, whose values are so askew that they
believe that love equals money. Families falling apart
because they quarrel over whether to buy a new boat or a
new car. Families falling apart over trivial things.

People who have families and a dinner table waiting for them
at home, who instead- call to say they are working late and
choose to cheat on not just their significant other, but to cheat
their family out of a whole-ness that their being there creates.
Ultimately hurting everyone that truly cares about them. Because
if you really think about it, anyone that would help someone cheat
on their s/o has corrupted morals and does not care about anyone
or anything.

Knowing that there are children out there who wait all day for mommy
or daddy to come home, only to be disappointed by the phone call that
they will be late. The children are doubly let down because they are
cheated out of seeing their loved one before they sleep that night and
they have to deal with the parent that IS at home being upset.

So many people are married with families that they do not value.

But why cant I have that? Marriage and a family is what I
want more than anything else in this world. Yet it seems
so unattainable. I fail to understand where I am continually
going wrong.

I take a long hard look at myself and I see the potential
within. The values and character traits I possess are not
reliant on what car I do or dont drive. The high salary job
that I do or dont have. or my social circle of influential
friends. Or lack thereof.

I am a loving and caring committed individual. I highly value
the family aspect of life. I would do anything for those that
I care about. Even die.

I want to be with a person who places their values in the
same areas of life that I do. I want to be with a person who
deserves me. Someone who is honest with me due to the
simple fact that I will be honest with them. Someone who
treats me right. Someone who doesnt look at being with me
as a burden, but a privledge.

Someone who can take me as I am. I am a person, I am
not perfect. I have faults. I am insecure, I am scared.
I require positive affirmation. I need to know that I am
cared about. That I am valued. That I am loved for who I am.

In ways I am very strong. In myself I tend to be very weak.
I know that I could accomplish many great things on my
own. But the one thing I want more than anything in this
world, is something that I cannot make for myself.

I cannot force anyone to love me. I cannot make anyone
want to be with me, let alone marry me.

I am currently looking for a glimmer of hope that marriage
is something that I might one day attain.

I understand that many people probably dont see a reason
to "rush" anything, But I am coming to grips with the fact that
life is a very fragile thing. And that nobody is guaranteed the
promise of tomorrow. It is completely outside of our control.

I wish that I could just help others to understand this simple
fact of life, but unfortunately- we each have to come to terms
with it in our own way.

I am just happy that I finally understand what has been gnawing
at me for so long. The thing that I suconsciously knew, but was just
at the edge of my mind. Too hazy to really get a grip on.

Todays lesson- mortality- the sooner you understand it, the longer
you have to enjoy the rest of your life.