First, read my blog.

NO, NO, I'm kidding. Anything there is pretty much a bunch of self-congratulatory bullshit, and who am I to COMMAND you to read it anyway. Besides, I've included plenty of self-congratulatory bullshit right here, for your convenience.

Since I can say just about anything here, I'll try to start off with the things that may overstate my positive qualities just a bit. If you are unfamiliar with the term "sarcasm", or are quick to judge someone an asshole, you may want to skip ahead.. or just recognize the following as bullshit:

- My farts, without exception, have a scent like lavender mixed with juniper berries.

- I can fly much faster and higher than you can.

- I'm a fubar expert and I never get confused here.

- I will never ever, even accidentally, do or say anything that could upset you in the slightest.

- I am indifferent to sex, and don't expect me to even make oblique references to intercourse, foreplay, petting, kissing, goo-goo eyes, or any of my previous adult film roles until we are married and planning to procreate.

- Don't expect me to ever make a comment, response, or indeed produce any prose that makes you think, let alone smile. I'm am a very simple male with no depth and I seek someone who expects very little.

- I most certainly will have no idea if your profile is fake -- as in a total fraud. I couldn't possibly know if you were texting from the Peaceland Hotel in Ikeja Lagos, Nigeria, or from an internet cafe in Accra, Ghana. I can't possibly right click on a pic and find every public occurrence of it on the net.

- Despite the fact that I haven't uploaded a single salute yet, I am not and never have been a hypocrite. (Alright! I'll get to it.) If you don't think I am real, and that makes you not want to interact with me, fine. On this and other sites I chat with people who I KNOW are fundamentally misrepresenting themselves, if they are interesting or fun to talk too.)

OK, that's enough of the 100% pompous ass motif for now...

Let's edge a bit closer to honesty:

Got one X and one Y chromosome in each somatic cell nucleus. I'm a male. There's a pretty good chance that you are a female, and probably quite attractive. We'll probably never meet, but I am not necessarily bothered by that. (OK, sometimes I really regret it. Some of you "out there" that I've met are really really remarkable, but I'm not moving to Deadhorse, Alaska, Reykjavik, Iceland, or Praetoria, South Africa.)

I live in Nevada and California. Grew up in Florida. I work in computer software I also work at arranging different (English) words in patterns that someone might just pay me for.

I have some preconceived notions that might not stand up over time -- they are almost certainly not whatever you think they are. They're still probably as poorly thought out as the more common ones.

I will not ask you for your Yahoo, MSN, favorite color, least favorite song, phone number, lucky number, highest aspirations, deepest fears, proudest moments, SSN, naked pics, or for your personal DNA sequence. Some of these would not offend me if offered (except SSN). None will get attention if the context isn't right.

Please don't be TOTALLY honest. I hope you've lived an interesting enough life that you want to gloss over some parts. I hope you have heard of "data mining" too.

You don't need to tell me how great you are. That would be my job...

Extra points if you are a smart-ass, as long as your ass is smart.

By nature I am somewhat of a cynic, enough to know that I'll succumb to optimism way too often.

I try not to be derisive or hurtful unless really, really provoked. Not because of any great virtue, quite the opposite: it injures me as much as anyone else. Petty hatred is an illusory refuge of the weak.

... I am of course, weak in many respects. Surprise -- you are too.

But you're probably still pretty great all-in-all. Just ask and I'll tell you why.

Jay