June 12, 2006
This weekend, I have had to think long and hard on what the Collar I wear means to me. I thought I had put enough thought into it when I first accepted His Collar. I knew it meant my complete submission to Him, and I extended that submission to include any time we were in contact with one another. I originally thought that the Collar was only going to apply to the times that we were together so as to not affect my other relationship. I have come to realize that the Collar is a 24/7 commitment, with the understanding that the needs of my other partner are equal to those of my Master, and as such, nothing asked of me will ever interfere with that.
Being new to wearing a Collar, I though that there could be a possibility of having more than one Master, equating it to having more than one partner, with open communication, my mind could at the time see how that could have been possible. The idea was enticing. Over the weekend, I was confronted with that possibility, and within myself, I saw the true impossibility of it. After discussion and thought, the mere idea of it began to turn my stomach. I began to question how I could even have ever considered another possibility. Although I can have as many partners as I wish, I can have only one Master.
I love my partners equally, giving them all I have to give. They are what bring joy to my life, along with my friends and family. It is so difficult to describe the intensity of the love I feel for them. One is my Master, and there is an added dimension to that relationship that comes with someone knowing you more than you know yourself. It is another dynamic that is difficult to describe. Being Poly allows me to have such vastly different partners that contribute to one another to create a cohesive unit that adresses all of what I need in my life to be happy.
The Collar I wear may seem to some to simply be a sentimental piece of jewelry I wear that says I am someones "Beloved". It is so much more than that. It is a constant reminder of two of the most important people in my life, my connection to them, and through the titanium we all wear, also to my Sisters in Collar. Everytime I take a breath, as my neck expands, I feel it's caress, and the momentary uncertainty that if I sneeze, the jump ring might come apart. The feel of the silver hearts dangling between my shoulder blades reminding me of my "acceptace", and "trust" I have in my Master. Even the clothes I wear, and how I do my hair is influenced so as to be able to better display it. Waking up at night because one of the hearts sits wrong, or the clasp is digging into my skin where the pillow hits. The feel of the beads against my skin reminding me of my Master, and the cool metal of the wolf charm reminding me of my lover bring such joy and comfort, no words can describe it.
My submission to Him is nearly complete. The only areas I keep the final say so in are my family(kids, finances, home), and my lifestyle(polyamory). I know He respects my choice to be His sub, and not slave. In most things my submission is 100Àand I know he appreciates this gift of myself.
