BadElement's blog: "Bad Elements Place"

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Mens Love Poem I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.." "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. 'What happened?' the man asks. 'You were in there for hours and yet youre not only alive but youre sweating like crazy?' The cockatiel pants, 'Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?'

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms. Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch. A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is". Little Johnny says, 'You know I have a baseball." The lover says, "Thats nice." Little Johnny says "Would you like to buy it", the lover says "Not really". Little Johnny says "You know my daddy is outside". The lover says "Ok how much?". Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says "20 Dollars!", and then remembers his situation and pays him. Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch. A short time later the husband comes home unexpectely and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johhny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is". Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says "How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money. A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, "Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch." Little Johnny says "I cant' daddy, I sold them." The husband says "You did? How much did you get for them?" Little Johnny replies, seventy dollars. The husband says, "Johnny, thats not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession." The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away. Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny's confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", and the priest says, "Don't start that crap in here!"

Kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?" He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher." She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room. His father gets home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?" Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good." The father says well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job, well go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted. They go there the next day and buy it. Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck? " The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck." They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?" The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive. One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow. "Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal." Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him. The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the news paper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he look up and says, "Oh girls. You should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day." All at once the girls get up and head for the door. "Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"

An old guy gets a hard-on for the first time in years. He runs into the living room and says to his wife, "I forget what I'm supposed to do with this." She says, "Why don't you wash it while you've got the wrinkles out?"