Dear Abby I Need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with"the girls."When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?Signed...Concerned Golfer

!Have a good one! John took his blind date to the carnival."What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man."I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do."I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next."I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,"How'd it go?" Kim responded,"Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

!Have a good one! Only three doors; An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked,"Why not?"The stewardess replied:"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Have a great day! One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.Superman thought"this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said"WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied."I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

Have a great day! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Have a great one! One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.The new bride asks,"What are them cows up to honey?"The husband, a bit flustered, answers,"Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"She replies,"Oh, I see!"After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.Again the bride asks,"What are them horses doing honey?"The husband answers again,"Them horses, they're roping!"She replies,"Oh, I see!"Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis."Oh my!" she cries,"What is that?""Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly,"That's ma'rope!"She slides her hands down further and gasps,"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says,"Stop honey, wait a minute!"Her husband, panting a little, asks,"What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?""No," the bride replies,"undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Have a good one!!Two guys in a bar are discussing"positions" so one tells the other,"Well my favorite is the rodeo!"and the other says,"What's the rodeo?""well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

!Duct Tape: Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong."Well," replies Paul,"you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?""Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh."Well," says Paul, straightening up,"I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.""That's great!" says Jeff,"When are you going out?""I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,"but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.""Sensible" says Jeff."So I get to her door," says Paul,"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.""And what happened then?"(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)"I kicked her in the face."

Have a great one! Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.One day Sam calls Abe and says,"I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."Abe replies,"How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."Sam interrupts,"I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"Abe says,"OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"Sam answers,"Eleven years!"

!Low Sperm Count!A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked!"You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied,"yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

First VisitThe young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family."We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably."I'm sure weŽll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her."If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.""Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing,"but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

tgif! One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news." ''Well, give me the good news first.''''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''