Boobalicious Paper Doll's blog: "2009"

Lick it slow.... Rub it gently.... That's right.... get it nice and wet.... Don't lose the stroke.... It might taste gross.... But...... ..... .... ... .. . That's how you seal an envelope

I need to go buy a tongue stud aka tongue ring :( I keep biting the temporary one I have :( Ooh and I'm thinking about getting a couple of more piercings... that would have to wait another month or so. It'll be cool. I'll ask my fu-friends if they have any suggestions?

I think I mentioned it in a previous blog. I've gotten in touch with my writing side :) I've been writing more and more (poems, short stories, and songs) :) I'm so proud of myself!

2:26pm I had a brief conversation with my friend Felix after we hung out. He noticed I immediately went back to texting. I told him I didn't want to be rude, but it was my bff. I explained to him the bond we shared and how I have to text back only b/c lately with him being away and all, it's a rare treat in itself to have him text back :) I mean dude, if you were to know.. you'd probably be sad. Mind you, I really don't cry in front of guys, so I had a knot in my throat as I was telling him about the bond. I then had a couple of tears go down my cheek and he wiped it away from my left cheek. I thought it was sweet. Then I changed the subject on him so that I wouldn't be all emotional. I got a laugh out of the conversation that ensued. We talked about how we've known each other for like 5 yrs right? So he admitted to having the biggest and most huge crush on me since forever. We've been talking on and off, but lately we've kept in touch every so often. So last night, I put him on the spot and I asked what he thought. He said the only "regret" he had back in the day was not kissing me. I laughed. I mean not that laugh, like haha - mocking kind of laugh, but more like the omg i had no idea. He said that was the only thing on his mind, even after we'd lost contact. He told me how he blamed himself for not reading the signs. Hello... I never really liked him and he knew that but he still tried to steal a kiss from me, and mind you, I still have a low self esteem, but not as bad as then. So anyway, my self esteem issues came into play then. I remembered the times he tried to kiss me and I would always turn away and change the subject on him, thus leading him to think I was being coy, when in reality, I wasn't. I had to tell him it's not going to work, we're just too good friends and it wouldn't work. So fast forward to last summer, when we actually hung out. He kissed me, but it was under the most oddest of circumstances. I was smashed! and yeah he sort of went in for the kill. I pulled him away and I told him to stop. I knew it wouldn't work. I was still in control of myself and I asked him to take me home. That was that. So last night when I finally asked him, he told me he'd been wanting to do that for 4 yrs. We stopped talking about 2yrs. He said he would still do it again. I told him I wouldn't if I were him. I then openly told him again that it wouldn't work out and why it wouldn't work out. But I still thought the whole situation was funny and how utterly ridiculous it was.... oh well ... It takes a lot for me to like a guy, and I try not to fall. The last time I fell, I let a good thing pass me by. It sucks and I'll be the 1st to admit it. I let him go, and now I don't have him in my life. I was stupid and I pushed him away. Maybe that's why I've been stuck in my loneliness because a guy hasn't sparked my interest. Well I do know of another guy who did, but we haven't talked for a couple of weeks now, so I guess it's another sign for me to move on. I don't look for guys! They usually find me. Usually, though, it's at all the wrong moments. Grr @ guys! Ok back to work! *grins* 2:40pm

Bills totally suck! Who agrees? I hate living paycheck to paycheck! School is expensive :( But yeah back to bills! They suck! *goes back to listen to "Perfect" by Simple Plan*

Ese que llama a las 3 de la mañana y te pone una cancion romantica Ese que te deja en la libreta una tarjeta Donde dice que te ama Ese que te entrega el corazon con la mirada... y tu como si nada... ese que sueña que una cancion, puede ablandarte el corazon... solo yo... ese loco soy yo! Ok they're lyrics to a song I can't seem to get out of my head. Damn my ex! Ex's suck :( Don't you agree?

11:30 Ok So this time I am being super serious!!!!! So we had a weight loss thingie in the office with 6 girls involved right? I didn't quite make it. My goal was to drop 10lbs and I only lost 8, which in turn is good, but I fell short of those 2 lbs. I've been doing good, considering the fact that I hadn't gone to the gym like I had originally intended to. On the plus side, I lost 8lbs, and onthe other plus side, I want to keep doing it. My last weigh in was last night when I was tempted to look at the scale. Keep in mind, we only did this until Jan 01. So last night, when I went to the gym, I felt good. I felt comfy and at ease. I had a funny thing happen to me. You'll be like aww, but at the same time it is funny. So I got out of work right, I thought I had my wallet with me, so I decided, ok I'm walking to the gym, like I did on Tuesday. As I'm getting near the building, I decided to get my wallet out only because I needed a freakin quarter. I don't have a lock, so I usually pay $0.25 for the locker with the little key. So I was outside right, and as I opened up my bag, I realized my wallet wasn't there. It had taken me 10min to get to the gym, so now I had to walk back 10min the opposite way, go back to my office, and then go back downstairs, and walk back for another 10min. Talk about total workout lol. I think I could've walked home or would've been more than half way home by now. So then I felt more at ease, I had my wallet, and I walked back. I noticed the gym wasn't as full as it usually is, so I immediately jumped on the treadmill. I walked for another 5min, then I "ran" for a good 5, jogged or whatever for 5, and then ran for another 5. I decided to try out the elliptical machine. Usually, I don't do to well on those because of an old knee injury, but I was comfy. I then hit the other machines so I could work on my legs, gluts, calfs, and abs. I ran into an old friend of mine from high school. I could not believe how much he changed. He used to be super athletic and everything, and well now he was this chunky guy. He looked at me for a while as if he recognized me, but I didn't say a thing. I wasn't sure if it was him until I heard him talk on the phone. So I went up to him and I asked him if he was Saul. He said yes, and he was trying to recognize me still because he said you look oddly familiar. I told him who I was, and I said I go by Liz now. The old me doesn't exist anymore. I've moved on, espcially after high school. Luckily, I wore my ring, so it looked like I was engaged or whatever. So then he sort of backed off. I was relieved though. We talked briefly, and that's it. Afterwards, I went to the weight room, and did some training with the barbells. I used the 12lb barbells. That was it. That was the end of my evening. I wish they had a sauna, but for a small gym, and for me not having a car, I still did pretty good. An hour and a half came and went. I caught the shuttle back home, adn still walked some more. I should be sore, but I'm not. I feel the burn in some places, but eh. Who wants to come with me to the gym? 11:40am edit: Oh yeah, and umm my new target as of 01/12 is to lose 15lbs within 2 months :) I wont display my current weight... WEll maybe I should but not right now.

9:08am I thought that most of the feelings I'd experienced were buried. Turns out they're not. Last night I completely freaked out. I was on the computer just messing around with the settings and then I noticed a couple of messages on my phone. So when I saw them, I noticed one that came from AIM. Yes, I'll post his screen name it's.... wait nevermind, it's not worth it, for all I know he could be trying to stalk me on fubar lol JK but yeah maybe I should post up his freakin AIM screen name. Anywho, it's just stupid because I thought he knew that my phone was disconnected. The 1st message that I got and read said, "hi Liz" and then like a dumbass I deleted every message thereafter. I don't know what he doesn't get. I've been trying so hard to move on and I haven't been able to. I mean it's hurt me, and it's hurt the guys that I've liked. Most guys listen and understand but they cannot comprehend what I've gone through and what I still feel deep inside. I don't love him, I never did. I despise him. I can't stand the sight of him, especially after what he did to me. For a long time, I always put the blame on myself. I thought maybe I did something to bring it all upon myself even though I could never prove it to be true. I thought at times that maybe, just maybe had I said or done something different, nothing like this would've ever happened. It's like the saying.... it's always/mostly those closest to you who bring you harm. It sucks. I'm a victim. I still can't shake this terrible feeling away. I haven't ran away from it but I do feel like running away from it all. This isn't the person I want to be. This isn't a solution. In February, it'll be 2 yrs since it's happened. In April, it will have been a year since he tried to slap me with a lawsuit. It's just too hard to deal with because I don't want to go back and be my depressive self. Trust me, it's not a fun place to be in and I'm not a fun person at all. I believe that I can overcome this, but no one's willing to help me. I've tried to seek legal help and legal advice, but for the type of case I've been hit with, it's virtually impossible to do. No one wants to handle a criminal defense case. Well, I guess I've tried to contact criminal defense attorneys but they all want a couple of thousand upfront, if not at least 500 for starters. Honestly, I'm not doing ok economically. Then again, who is nowadays. It sucks that I am always constantly put into an emotional corner, and I still haven't found a way out of it. YOu have no idea... everytime something bad is about to happen, I know even before it happens. My heart gets strained, I feel like I'm confused, I want to cry but can't, and then I have knots in my throat for not being able to speak. It's a tough situation to be in. I haven't talked to anyone about this in such a long time either. The few guys I've told usually don't know what to say or do and then kind of avoid me like I'll spazz out on them or something, but I won't. I'm super strong, but there is only a limit. I've already reached my point where I'm past strong, and I, too, am human. I also have emotions. I can learn how to deal with them and repress them but that's not a solution. The other few guys that are still talking to me are my friends and they've stuck by me even though they're not there in person to tell me it'll be all right or to give me a hug! That's all I really need just some comfort. Something I haven't had in the longest believe it or not is patience and comprehension. Anywho, I feel like I've gone on too long especially in the blog. I don't know what else I can type or say since my feelings won't go away. Even last night, as I came home from dropping my brother off at his place, I parked the car outside my home and broke down. Actually I'd been crying as soon as I dropped him off. I was and still am such a wreck. I was crying but I knew I had to drive home. It was 9 something at night already. Where else was I supposed to go? I don't have a boyfriend I could just drive and see within a reasonable distance, and I don't want him to see me like this either. 9:20 9:22am Sorry I had a phone call. As I was saying I don't want anyone to see me break down. I am so horrible. I basically give up and say "Fuck everything, and fuck it all!" Then again, I think most of us have been in that fuck that mode. But I'm just saying, as much as I try to be positive, I can only remain so for a while. It sucks though... it really does. Anywho, work is calling me! Feel free to comment, if not it's ok. I'll just try to see what else I can type later on... probably during my lunch break. Buh bye! 9:23 Oh for those who didn't know.... I'm being slapped with a lawsuit basically, I am libel for SLANDER and DEFAMATION. I know it's not true. I know it would've gone in my favor. All in all it adds up to money. He is trying to sue me for his $10,000 bail amount, i forgot how much for punitive damages, as well as emotional damages, and such. It all adds up to $25,000 and I don't even make close to that. It sucks. I'm sure something will happen.

7:55pm Why does this shit happen to me? I don't know why? I was chillin and I was messing around with the webcam. So then I get a freakin text msg or 4 on my phone. I don't know what else I'm going to do. It was psycho. He was texting me from his AIM. Doesn't he fuckin get it!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?! I thought he knew I had the number disconnected for practically 2 months. I was all scared. my heart sank deep and i mean deep. I wish I could just run from it and stuff but I can't. I want to run away so bad. But again I can't... I want to so bad, but it's not going to resolve it all. It's different.... something tells me to be brave but I can't take it anymore. There is only so much I can handle and take at the same time. I noticed that when something bad happens, he happens to be around. I thought I could at least breathe for now, but that thought keeps fading away! 7:58pm I'll write some more in a bit.

11:26am I am feeling ok. So lately I've been super busy with work and all. I have done so much yet so little at the same time. I've done a lot so that the work in our department eases up but again the others are the ones who wanna change it up. They'd rather make it more difficult for themselves. Anywho... I already made up my mind about something. I am taking myself off birth control until I find a guy to be with. Then again, I hadn't really been on birth control until sometime last month, in December. I just took myself off it. Yeah, yeah I know... BC is not for everyone. I ended up getting so sick after I got on it. It's impossible! Lucky son of a gun whoever wants to get with me. :) It basically means, once I find the right guy... we'll use protection and stuff, but I'll also make sure I'm on BC. In the meanwhile, we'd both have to go halfers on plan B. Change of subject... It's Sunday and there isn't too much to do. I went to the gym this morning, and it was a bit emptier than usual. I ran on the treadmill for about 10min and then walked it off for 10min and ran again for another 5. I didn't feel tired. I decided to try out some of the other machines and boy did I feel the burn then! Also, I started doing some aerobics types of classes at home. It's fun! I felt really energized yesterday, even though I wanted to stay home last night, but I couldn't. Well I mean I could've but I didn't want to stay home. I've been arguing with the family again and for no reasons at all. Grr... another change of subject. I dislike being a girl sometimes. I bet you girls know what I'm talking about. You know when you're on your rag and stuff. Yeah it's horrible. Most girls are so going to hate me right now, but I don't PMS and I don't get cramps. hahahaha it's soooooo true though. I don't tell guys when I'm on it... I just play it off. Then again I tend to be a hermit around that time, so guys beware ;) Ok well I don't know what else to type. I am just typing just to get thoughts out of the way. I'm just going to rest up since it's Sunday and I have no where else to go. :) 11:33am