Valerie's blog: "1"

My heart is dead… or at least the part that once loved you You sit there, crying, begging, hoping, pleading, praying And I laugh, as I remember a song lyric, and it sings itself through my memory "I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold…" And you watch me, as I giggle, and sing the song aloud What happened to the girl that once was Innocent, open-hearted, ever-trusting. She's gone now… maybe for ever It seems like an eternity already. "I've got an icebox where my heart used to be…." This woman sitting here now, head back, staring at the ceiling Waiting for you to wipe the snot from your mustache She is bitter, and stronger, and wiser, and harder Just remember who put the fire out. Who froze my soul So cold So cold So god damned cold Can someone please get me a fucking jacket........

What is strength, if not a façade A misrepresentation of pain Hiding the fear inside me Tears washed away by the rain Smiling to control my quivering lips Not giving into the temptation Laughing, so I don't start to cry Controlling my desperation I have thrived during harder times And lived to see happier days But I wonder if I'm now too worn down For I just can't see through all the haze There is no rainbow after this storm The tunnel is as black as can be There's no light at the other end Just fear, and the darkness, and me But I won't let you see the sadness in me I've been trained to put on a good show Please don't ask me how I'm doing today Because hell, I don't even know I'll stand up tall to appear more than I am And I hope you wont see right through Because it's really too bad that inside of me I'm hollow, and coming unglued I need to be filled with love again And with the knowledge that I am me And that no matter what happens out there I am a pretty good person to be But until I can accept who I am right now Without hiding and feeling ashamed Please leave me be, to do this myself Until the monster can finally be tamed And as I always say, I'll be just fine See, I'm smiling right now for you Just please don't look at me for too long So maybe you'll believe that it's true

my pride is strong but my soul is weak my heart cries out the pain runs so deep alone in the dark i scream out so clear i plead for help when i know you can't hear refusing to succumb to this sense of dread as long as you'r around i was raise up my head but when its just me thats when i cry when i dont have to front i just want to die i cant catch my breath my head pounding within my body convulsing as i just give in screaming fuck all of you who have done this to me and have left me like this broken, down on my knees but just so you know... beaten down like this i refuse to stay i will rise up strong with each new day.

I guarded myself But not for too long Let the guard down To prove myself wrong But instead of returning My displays of admiration You've broken my spirit With your hesitation You left me waiting Yearning for more Confused and wondering What's next in store So I'll return to the ways I was accustomed to Pretending it's fine And hiding from you

Look at me again, Sir. Melt me with your smile Let me see so deep inside And just gaze at you awhile Touch my face so tenderly Your fingertips caress Run your hands across my skin Oh how you finesse Kiss my cheeks, my nose, my lips And press your mouth to mine Seconds turn into eternity As a chill goes up my spine Tell me how you feel for me And what I can do for you Whisper your secret wishes And I'll make them all come true

I have this dream of happiness Where I'm content and so carefree. Where I'm living with no worries Where I can relax and just be me No more shame over things I've done No more sadness and no more pain No more wanting what I just can't have No more fighting to just maintain I want to wake up in the morning With a smile on my face I want to lay my head down at night Knowing everything's in place Someone to hug, to love, to hold Someone to help me dream and pray Someone to tell my secrets too Someone to kiss my pain away To be myself again is my only wish This emptiness gone from me To truly feel what I show to you To be complete as only I can be Who will help me push the sadness down And be the one to pull me through Who will help me be who I know I am So I can be everything to you I have this dream of happiness Where the inside reflects what you see Where I'm content with my journey Where I can finally just be me.

As I stare into the mirror, I'm amazed at what I see. It's crazy what these hazel brown eyes seem to be telling me. Streaks of worry and fear and pain are starting to line my eyes. Ominous circles are taking their place as a result of my late night cries. I thought that by leaving the prison to which I had been confined I would lose the stress and worries and a new happiness I would find. Although my presence is not in that place I used to sadly call home I can't seem to escape all of the anxieties that from that house always come. I used to be up all night, awake and immersed in my fears. Now I'm getting midnight calls from my mom shedding painful tears. Through stiffled sobs, I hear her words, her dire, helpless plea: She whispers softly, "Valerie, I'm scared, Please, Oh please, can you help me?" But what am I supposed to do, I'm only a child working to keep myself sane. I shouldn't have to take the role of mother to woman from which I came. She's supposed to be protecting me, and I'm the one saving her? What can I do but help this woman combat the man who says he loves her? I offer a refuge in my humble home, free from his tyranical reign. A small hiatus from the house that reminds her of ten years of heartache and pain. She says she'll come and leave the man who scarred hear body and burned her face. So I wait.... and I wait.... but she doesn't show. Once again she's chosen his cold embrace. She chooses to remain with with the man who tears her life apart. This man who I know can't love her because he doesn't have a heart. So how do I tell my mother, the one who gave life to me, "I'm sorry mom, I can't handle this. Please just leave me be." "I don't want to hear you crying. I don't want to see your battered face." "This is all because I love you, but I can't take your place." "If I could make you leave him and save your family, I'd be there in a minute... but I cant. I can only free me." "You must make your decision as to how you spend your life." "You can be happy if you want to, or you can continue living in strife." So I look back into my mirror, my face in a blur of tears. The streams of pain that wash away my innumerable fears. I then turn away, and wipe my eyes. My smile takes its place. I return to my life, hiding the pain that I see in that mirror's face.

I awaken in the night from a not so restful slumber As a newly acquired reflex my hands search for my new found lover As my trembling fingertips slowly graze the sheets surrounding me I sigh at the realization of another unlived fantasy So I wrap my arms around myself and wonder how it would be If you were lying by my side with your arms wrapped around me If instead of clenching my blanket tightly with its softness against my face You'd be laying next to me, I'd be feeling your embrace As my dreams once again take over, my visions seem to come true I see you gazing at my body as you're pulling me close to you You brush a few loose strands from my face and kiss my forehead tenderly We hold each other so close for what seems like an eternity You life my chin so we can stare into each other's eyes But i cant you're looking further to see where all of my passion lies I slowly raise my hand to caress your neck so soft and sweet Our faces move closer together and in passion our lips finally meet Your kiss is so very gentle and you know just what to do As the seconds pass the more I realize how much I long to be with you Slowly you undress me as my heartbeat quickens it's pace I'm trembling all over as we tenderly embrace I can feel your moistened body, your flesh pressed against mine And I can now feel your pulse within me, for the very first time As you enter into me and we as one unite My love for you overflows and my passion reaches its height You and I together as I moan in ecstasy We reach our climax in unison, it's everything I hoped it would be We then fall asleep in each other's arms, our hearts beating quite rapidly But now they beat in unison since we are one, united, eternally The next thing I know, I open my eyes, to the light of a day starting new Alone in my bed, awaiting the chance for my dreams to all come true

True happiness has not come easily to me although I've fought so hard for contentment I've been close to true joy so many times and then disheartened by cruelty and resentment As a young girl I experienced the greatest joy when my father's precious time was promised to me But the pain that I felt when his indifference showed through bit deeper than anyone could see I put a smile on my face, held back the tears, pretending I could handle being forgotten once more I learned not to put so much trust in a man who viewed time with his daughter as a burdensome chore As I grew older I was faced with a painful realization: my mother loved someone other than me At first I was happy, he seemed so much fun; and mom was jut glowing with this new ecstasy But hurtful words of contempt and painful blows of frustration soon replaced the laughter and smiles The monster was emerging from this facade of a man; but my mother was blinded by his devious wiles As I became a woman, I experienced my first hug, my first kiss, my first love, my first heartbreak The high that you feel when your heart has that flutter can blind you to all that is truly in store I have honestly loved all the men that i "liked" and felt a true broken heart every time that love died I felt I'd never find the perfect one, that true love, the man who would try just as hard as I tried I had a certain faith in the constancy of friends, that no matter what befell us, tried and true we'd be But friendship is a word that means nothing to many, few truly stood by me in the face of adversity I told secrets to those who requite with betrayal and put trust in friends who repaid with deceit Trust confidants with no more loyalty to me than they would show to many strangers they meet There came a point in my life when I found I must fight for true joy and work hard for a lasting peace Once that realization was clear to me, I wasn't surprised by the hurt, and I learned how to release The fact that my father could so easily forget that his daughter was waiting for and trusting in him Was due to an illness, an imperfection he acquired, an horrible demon called alcoholism So I learned not to raise my hopes up so high, and to take what he was offering to me His love, though not his time; his thoughts, though not his words; his intent though not his constancy My mother was fighting to keep her family together and her forgiveness surpassed Barry's ways She saw deep in his heart and held out hope for an increase in the happier and untroubled days Although i was saddened by her loyalty to him because I felt she was allowing his hostility I now understand she had deep love for us all and was trying her best to keep peace in the family I have been searching for so very long, attempting to find a man who would give me his heart And along came my husband who handed over his soul, his devotion showed through from the start My past heartaches and pain, and distrust of men has long since vanished right into thin air The commitment we have, and the love that we share is the answer to my heart's only prayer Friendship was always important to me and it hurts when others don't view it as such As I grew older I found that childhood friends moved on and would rarely attempt to keep touch But the true test of friendship is loyalty, will I be there for her although she's turned her back on me As a true friend I will always have an open door because if I didn't then what kind of friend would I be From my father I learned to accept things I can't change; my mom showed me how strong love can be My husband has given me the greatest joy, and I found that true friendship endures through adversity Each and every obstacle I have overcome has made me stronger and has shaped me somehow So I am grateful for the experiences I've had, for these events have formed me into who I am now

What does it take to be number one? How can I be that special to you? I've fought for so long to be the perfect woman, Yet I've failed to make you love me as I need you to. Your first waking thought in the morning, The last hazy image as you drift into your dreams. My heart would melt if knew I was there, Yet I'm not, so instead my heart screams. It's screaming at you to take advantage of this, This love that is deeper than you'll ever know. You almost lost it, but you got it back, And now, this is your chance to never let go. For awhile I thought that things had changed, That you had seen the depth of my heart. Those sweet little nothings, that's all I needed. I just knew we were making a new start. But it seems that it's over, before it even began. Now we're back to the old way of living. I refuse to live my life like this again, You taking, me giving and giving. You know that every day I struggle, And what I've been fighting so hard for. I had hoped it would be enough that I try, But apparently you need something more. My passion is what I love myself for, And it continues to fade away. If you can't give me what I need from you, Then there's nothing more to say