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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
The Benefits Of Being Female
1. You can get rid of leg hair without pretending that you do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs. 2. You absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of your sexuality. 3. When you buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad. 4. You can use cosmetics should you wake up looking like something the cat dragged in. 5. You can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'little woman syndrome' 6. You don't have to get your strength up between sessions ... and it's much easier for you to get laid in the first place. 7. You can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts. 8. You never ejaculate prematurely. 9. You can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 10. You get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when you blow up your computers. 11. We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games. 12. We got off the Titanic first. 13. Your boyfriend's clothes make you look elfin and gorgeous - Guys look like complete dicks in girls. 14. You have total control over our eyebrows. 15. You can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 16. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy. 17. You can cry and get off speeding fines. 18. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts and pool...and football. 19. You live longer, so you can be cantankerous old biddies. Wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...men die earlier so you get to cash in on the life insurance. 20. We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals. 21. Taxis stop for you. 22. You get drunk quicker and cheaper. 23. You have no desire to arrange your possessions in alphabetical order. Ever. 24. You've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 25. It does not enhance your social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But you look INCREDIBLY cool if you do. 26. We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever. 27. You don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Benefits Of Being A Guy
1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds 2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes 3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase 4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter 5. You can open all your own jars 6. Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight 7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying 8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go 9. You can go to the bathroom alone 10. Your last name stays put 11. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade 12. You can kill your own food 13. The garage is all yours 14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 15. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment" 16. Cleaning the toilet is optional 17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes 18. Wedding plans take care of themselves 19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend 20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3 21. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry 22. You don't have to shave below your neck 23. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night 24. If you're 34 and single, no one notices 25. Chocolate is just another snack 26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat 27. Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything 28. You never have to worry about other's feelings 29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough 30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think 31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day (women now can in Ontario) 32. Car mechanics tell you the truth 33. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut 34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me" 35. One mood, all the time 36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him 37. Gray hair and wrinkles add character 38. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks 39. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back 40. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's 41. The remote is yours and yours alone 42. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom 43. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed 44. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies 45. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected 46. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room 47. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet 48. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny 49. If you retain water, it is in a canteen 50. It is easier to empty your bladder behind a tree or car or in an alley
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
The Difference Between Small & Large Breasts
Women With Big Breasts... ....can get a taxi on the worst days ....have a neat place to carry spare change ....have always been the center of the arts (art) ....make jogging a spectator sport ....can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ....have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ....usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ....can always carry a little extra ....always float better ....know where to look first for lost earrings ....rarely lack for a slow dance partner ....have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women With Little Breasts... ....don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ....always look younger ....find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ....can always see their toes and shoes ....can sleep on their stomachs ....have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ....know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts ....know that everything more than a handful is wasted ....can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle ....can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
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SOMETHING YOU CAN TELL THE CHILDREN
Cop Jokes Just For Kids
What did the peanut say when it entered the police station? I've been a-salted! . . . . Why are policeman so strong? Because they hold up the traffic! . . . . Why did the policeman arrest the kittycat? Because of the kitty litter!
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Things Girls Think Guys Should Know
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out. 2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening. 3. Don't say you understand when you don't. 4. Girls are petty, get over it. 5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. 6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. 7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't. 8. Size does matter. 9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big. 10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys. 11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a bitch. 12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes. 13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize. 14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it. 15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it. 16. We are drama queens. 17. Fashion police do exist. 18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it. 19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about. 20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times. 21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it. 22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out. 23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it. 24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not. 25. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets. 26. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. 27. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't. 28. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it. 29. Most importantly- we are always right- so don't forget it.
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Top 10 Reasons Hockey Is Better Than Sex
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally. 9. The puck is always hard. 8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it. 7. It lasts a full hour. 6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds. 5. Your parents cheer when you score. 4. Periods only last 20 minutes. 3. You can count on it at least twice a week. 2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards. 1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
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More Cop Jokes Just For Kids
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects. . . . . A man went to a policeman. "I just had my watch pinched from under my nose!" yelled the man. "That's a stange place to wear it!" chuckled the policeman! . . . . TEACHER: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny? JOHNNY: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a police man! TEACHER: I didn't know your father was a policeman! JOHNNY: He isn't! He's a burglar!
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Top Ten Reasons The 80's Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90's
10. MTV actually played videos in the 80's. 9. There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125. 8. A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose. 7. In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something. 6. In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell. 5. In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school-unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke. 4. New Kids on the Block vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw. 3. In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol legally. 2. Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks. 1. In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.
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TOP 10 REASONS WHY TO GO TO WORK NAKED
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
...and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked: 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
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Top 10 Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman
10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop.
