XXkaz78XX's blog: ""

A man says to his wife lets try social security position . whats that she says well bend over and when you feel my balls bouncing on your bum then i know your getting all your benefits

A man asks his wife 2 come upstairs 2 hold the clock. When she gets upstairs her husband his lying on the bed with a hard on. She says thats not a clock. Her husband says it will b once u have both hands and ur face on it. lol hahahahaha

Elton john went 2 a tattoist and said i wud likea rolls royce tatooed on my penis, he said you're better off with a land rover at least that wont get stuck inthe shit lol [whistle]

A boy takes his girlfriend home for a bit of fun but finds his brother sleeping in the bottom bunk. Undaunted by this they still get on the top bunk. He says 2 his girlfriends that they would use a code.......... if u want it harder say lettuce and if u want it in a different position say tomato. Lettuce, tomato, lettuce tomato!!!!! she said, after a lon while his brother shouts up from the bottom bunk "will u 2 stop making fucking sandwiches, the mayonaise is dripping all over my fucking face

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............ WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. :L IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. :O WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. :L WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

L He who laughs last thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand you have different fingers. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. :L It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. <_> You can't have everything....where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. :O It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. :L Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative! I got a sweater for Christmas... really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person wants to annoy you for the rest of their life. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. I married my Wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! :O Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? All 2 true What u think lol

Tesco Condoms - every little helps Nike Condoms - Just do it. Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life. Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk. KFC Condoms - Finger licking good. Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load. Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough. Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going. Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide FCUK condoms - no comment required. Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain. Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile. Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long Renault condoms - size really does matter! Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Eeeuww!!.....) Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal Polo condoms - the condom with the hole The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favourite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your oil. 26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests... ** MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. ** TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). ** GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. ** DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. ** FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. ** NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful. ** PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. ** PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. ** FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the bloody answers.