ZEN AND WISDOM OF LIFE
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It is always darkest before dawn.
So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry -- It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. Duct tape is like the Force -- It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass,
and then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
