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I have reached a point in my life where I find myself questioning the validity of love. I have been burned so many times by the notion of "love" that it seems easier to throw away the concept altogether. I have tried and failed at relationships repeatedly. Not to mention having been abused, used, and pretty much had a part of my heart trampled on and metaphorically ripped out of my chest by a plethra of selfish men who have no problem taking everything that my heart had to offer all the while having no intention of reciprocating the affections. At what point do I finally say enough is enough?
I think my last broken heart was just that.... my last. I finally can say that there is no such thing as love. It was my breaking point.
In past relationships I hesitated to put all my cards on the table and I made a point to only invest a portion of my heart in order to protect myself from the inevitable heartache that was so common with relationships. Over time I began to realize that I was cheating not only who I was with but also myself by not allowing my heart to commit fully to someone. Maybe the being burned and the heartache came from my own commitment issues. I spent a lot of time soul searching who I was and how my life experiences molded who I was as a woman and how I perceived "love" and relationships. I made a promise to myself that if I ever found "love" that there would be no holding back. For the first time I would invest myself 100%.... and I did. Yet in all my soul searching I never thought to figure in the possibility of being the only one willing to give it all... the only one willing to try to commit fully to the concept of love and forever.
Through it all I learned two things....
By investing myself completely I fell irrevocably in Love for the first and last time in my life. Further more, I learned that no matter how much I love and how strong my love is for someone... I can't make them love, want, or care about me.
So now I sit here... alone and damaged to the point that my hurt shows from the inside out. I've become a walking portrait of what heartache looks like. It's come to the point that a lot of my friends have written me off as a hopeless emotional basketcase and everyone else just thinks I'm crazy. In reality I am neither. I am simply a girl who finally learned how to love and because of that is now having to learn to live without it.
You know.... there was a time in my life when I was that outgoing, bubbly girl that had somewhat of a belief in "Happily Ever After" and requitted love. I miss that girl sometimes... her innocence and happy oblivion free from rejection and heartache.
She's gone and all I can do now is move forward, try not to let the scars show, and protect my heart from now on.
I used to believe in Love.... once.... just not anymore.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world is to know people for who they really are. Not the plastic,” I want to impress you", mask that hides their true self. How can friendship ever grow if you aren't learning about the person on the inside but instead accepting the actor playing the role on the outside?
I have always prided myself on being an honest person and I have learned the hard way that I sometimes hurt people with the things that I say. Then I stop and think about the course of my life. Do I want to spend MY whole life having people tell me what I WANT to hear or what I NEED to hear? While it is sometimes hard to accept that we NEED to hear things that may hurt...In the long run it helps us grow as individuals.
Much heartache and many tears over the course of my life have left me searching for REAL people. So many times I found myself trusting only what was presented to me instead of searching deeper for what lies beneath in one's "true" self. All of those heartaches taught me to search for what's real and authentic. Inside every exterior carbon copy is a real person. A person who may have been hurt, or a person who can't trust, or even love. There may be a person whose life has been left in shambles due to their own pride or greed. The world is filled with people who have reasons for building themselves in behind a lonely wall. With-in the confines of these self-made walls lay a wounded person struggling to figure out "why". They don't want the world to see the real them anymore so they become what they think the world wants them to be.
No matter the circumstance...the heartache...the past....the guilt...or what ever else that has caused you to hide your "true" self from the world. I can handle it...You are not who you are because of what has happened to you. You are who you are by choice. Don't be afraid to be your self...Thats the person that matters most.
