· "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
· "All generalizations are false."
· "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
· "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
· "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
· "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
· "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
· "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
· "Born Free. . . . Taxed to Death"
· "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
· "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
· "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
· "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
· "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
· "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
· "REHAB is for quitters"
· "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
· "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
· "E. coli Happens"
· "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
· "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
· "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
· "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"
· "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
· "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
· "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
· "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
· "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
· "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
· "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
· "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
· "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
· "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
· "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
· "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
· "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
· "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
· "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
· "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
· "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
· "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
· "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
· "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
· "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
· "Assassins do it from behind!"
· "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
· "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
· "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
· "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
· "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
· "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."
· "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
· "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
· "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
· "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
· "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
· "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
· "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
· "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
· "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
· "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
· “Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
· "i souport publik edekasion"
· "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
· "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
· "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
· "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
· "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
· "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
· "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."
