Fxckin Pop Rocks's blog: "Redneck"

. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy. . . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat. . . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back. . . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.” . . . you own half a pickup truck. . . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house. . . . you own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on it. . . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing. . . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?” . . . you show strangers your war wound. . . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.” . . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture. . . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house. . . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure. . . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist. . . . you own every Box Car Willie album. . . . you refer to your dog as your youngest. . . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo. . . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.” . . . you have three first names. . . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string. . . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear. . . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it. . . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes. . . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house. . . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats. . . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar. . . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House. . . . you videotape fishing shows. . . . you’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves. . . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors. . . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee. . . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree. . . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop. . . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.” . . . your masseuse uses lard. . . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers. . . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it. . . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.” . . . your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.” . . . you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. . . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. . . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present. . . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work. . . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns. . . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls. . . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks. . . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure. . . . you fish coins out of public fountains.