Fxckin Pop Rocks's blog: "Redneck"

. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house. . . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag. . . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis. . . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress. . . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler. . . . you think ribs come from Europe. . . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down. . . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement. . . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull. . . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn. . . . the Marlboro man is your idol. . . . you see a sign that says “dip in road” and you stop to see what flavor it is. . . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it. . . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour. . . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence. . . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in. . . . your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test. . . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep. . . . you keep catfish in your aquarium. . . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips. . . . you’ve ever bought a used cap. . . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw” song. . . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it. . . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew. . . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern. . . . you think people who have electricity are uppity. . . . you know how to milk a goat. . . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower. . . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum. . . . you’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.” . . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night. . . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard. . . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog. . . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline. . . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.” . . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work. . . . you bum a dip from your mother. . . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer. . . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo. . . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show. . . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station. . . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed. . . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets. . . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken. . . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product. . . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes. . . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV. . . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car. . . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box. . . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts. . . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it. . . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section. . . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest. . . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries. . . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test. . . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw. . . . you cut your toenails in front of company. . . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her. . . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. . . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6. . . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide. . . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover. . . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband. . . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.” . . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes. . . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name. . . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes. . . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business. . . . your house plants aren’t in pots. . . . you think the stock market has a fence around it. . . . you wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral. . . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.