NTZ's blog: "A Return Of Thought"

Was looking towards music to calm me but my iTunes needed updating. So i'm waiting for that and by time that finishes it'll be time for me to start to get ready for work.  Im starting to believe i've was loved more when I was down and depressed.  I hate using the word depressed because I feel its disrespect coming from me.  All the emotional things i've been through isnt depression just basically sadness. The word depressed brings more weight to explain my feelings, it was that deep.  I just feel right now that I was more loved when I was like that.  I havent really felt like that in a while, so much so I cant think of when.  I dont even let myself get that far.  There is a more upbeat me.  Smiling more.  Looking at life differently and the more I go down this path, the less it seems people like it about me.  I'm thinking its because being down caused connections with others where we all felt we had people that understood our emotions and why we have them.  Didn't feel wrong to have those feelings.  Maybe the feeling that has now been lost because of the change in attitude.  I dont know.  Something to think on.  All it's doing is just making me think I was right about my life that some things I should not have in my life because it's not going to benefit anyone or anything. Just become a reason to hate.

I would never thought that even with me hating going to work that I would look forward to going to work.  Hate being there but thanks for the destractions.  Thanks for keeping my mind off of things.  That's what doing something does for you, it puts your mind on that and off of other things.  So i'm looking forward to the mind blocking tonight.  Hopefully be busy with something, but since we're on easy models its going to be some boring moments where the mind will think and then i'll have to start singing to break that up.  I do that a lot actually, sing at work.  Most times i'm just singing words, making up things in my head.  Maybe on my own, will get some music making software and instruments and make that a hobby for myself.  That and photogaphy i'm really feeling I want to express myself in.  First I need to strap myself somewhere and get the pen and pencil in my hands and draw everything I see and get my craft back to at least where i'm happy about it.  I'm not now.  The past me allowed it to slip away, I need to bring it back.

That's all I'm going to say.  A lot more in my head but maybe tomorrow.  Well, maybe the next time i'm on.  Yeah, no one reading this.  lol  Damn i'm hungry.