YOU KNOW YOU'RE KINKY WHEN...
...you keep fake hanging plants around the house,
just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.
...you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
...you have more toys than your kids
...your toilet seat is leather.
...you take up macramé, just to learn some new knots
...someone asks how long you've been doing this pony- girl routine,
and you snort and start to stamp your foot
...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...
and you don't eat sweets
...someone says they have a leather man,
you almost say "me too!" before you realize they are talking about the tool
gadget on their belt.
...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are
setup.
...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as 1 on your speed dial list
...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer
...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs,
body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.
Avon tells you stop writing; they are not going to make eau d'leather
after shave
...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
...you can't pass a candle factory without drooling
(or wetting your seat)
..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.
...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"
...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.
...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
...your body piercing set off the metal detectors at the court house.
...you choose your new house based on it's location:
convenient to the leather store,
easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers,
and just a mile from the emergency room.
...you become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarrassing calls at 2
A.M.
...escape artists come to you for advice.
...you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling
...your idea of getting a jump in the morning
is to hook up the other end of your nipple clamp to the car battery
...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot
where the sign advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car
wash.
...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".
...you've served more people than McDonald's.
...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.
...you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.
...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped
than the ER.
..you buy clothespins in the super size family economy bags,
and you don't have a family or a clothesline.
...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.
...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.
...you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.
...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying
he's sick and sadistic and you perk, "god I hope so!"
...turning the switch on has precious little to do with
making the lights come on when you enter the room.
...the first thing you check when looking for a new car
is whether the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two.
...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.
...your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.
...'nose to the grindstone' is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.
...you refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".
...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.
...you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.
