Farm Girl's blog: "You know you drink too much when...."

The drunk; A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman." ~ Drunk and the Nun: There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?" ~ Got Beer? Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife. While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight." Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy's ass. Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

My computer will go gay, and won't work...it signs me off of this website....and a few others! so If I do not answer you right away, don't take it personal, It is not me or you, its my damn computer! thanx for understanding! ~Elisha

YAY! The bears won!! lol now I won't look funny when I wear my bears jersey on superbowl night! :D I'm so excited! they will most likely lose, Grossman SUCKS at quarterback, they need a new one! but if he wins superbowl, I will have a newfound respect for him! so ya'll cross your fingers, close your eyes, and hold on tight....oh and don't forget to root for the bears! lol cuz that would just make me smile even more! I CAN'T WAIT! (I don't think I've been this excited for awhile) lol

A businessman is driving thru the backwoods of Arkansas, and is kinda lost. He sees a hillbilly walking along the road, and pulls over to ask him for directions. "What's the quickest way to Little Rock?" "Are you walking or driving?"asks the hillbilly. "Driving," says the businessman. "Yup," says the hillbilly. "Definitely the quickest way." ~ A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?" ~ "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy." ~ Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are"

You have more fingers than you do teeth You cut your grass and find a car You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors Your age is higher than your I.Q. Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?" You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear." You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital. Your wife and ex-wife are sisters. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve .Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu .Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. You think cur is a breed of dog. People hear your car long before they see it. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. You think A lesbian is a person from the Middle East you deer hunt out of the family van If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband If you have more than three talking fish in your house If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road If you've been on tv more than 5 time describing what the tornado sounded like If your dad walks you to school because your in the same Grade If everyday someone comes to your house thinking your having a yardsale If youve ever financed a tattoo If youve ever gone to a family reunion to meet women, If youve ever seen a sign that says "say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull you jeans up If the UFO hotline limits you to one phone call per day If going to th bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight If people have asked to hunt in your front yard If you have an above ground pool and you fish in it If youve ever been too drunk to fish, If you own a home that is mobile and 10 cars that aren't If youve been married 4 times and still have the same inlaws If your underware doubles as your swimming trunks If you think the nut cracker is something you did off the high dive If somebody hollars hoedown and your girlfriend hits the floor If your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture If your wife has ever said " come move this transmision so I can take a bath" If you wear a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't If your dog passes gas and you claim it ~

~Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. ~The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. ~The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar ~When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? ~You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties. ~You have a "happy hour" at home ~When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong? ~You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land ~Although you drove home the other night you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car ~"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." ~Your favorite drink is ethanol. ~"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!" ~"I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. ~*hic* Pash me another, tarbender." ~You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse. ~You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before ~Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while ~You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast ~You frequently urinate outdoors. ~When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't. ~You fall asleep taking a dump. ~You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse. ~You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you. ~You find it's easier to study drunk. ~You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center. ~Beer ads make sense. ~You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching. ~You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room. ~The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot". ~You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer. ~You mix your cocktails by the litre. ~You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin. ~You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss. ~When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5. ~You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect ~You lose arguments with inanimate objects. ~You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth ~Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. ~24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! ~Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! ~Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar. ~You can focus better with one eye closed ~You fall off the floor. ~You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared. ~Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! ~Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. ~The glass keeps missing your mouth. ~Vampires get woozy after bitting you. ~At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." ~Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. ~You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. ~Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive. ~If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. ~"Take me drunk, I'm home!" ~You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. ~You drink to get over a hangover. ~You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much.