A nut job ruined it all for themselfs De...'s blog: "You call it ramblling I call it it venting!"

This is a feeling I'm not real at ease with...feeling lost..feeling weak...yet here I am..feeling the biggest weenie ever cause no matter what I do the tears are just comeing. It sucks. Maybe it's all the worrie hitting me now...maybe it's the being burnt out from doing all the gigs last night. *sees time* ok Sat night. I haven't slept so to me it's last night.I'd do all those gigs all over again. I did them for the lady I love so damn much..I was gonna do what it took... guess that's all for nothing now too. Godz I'm feeling so...lonely...so..like I can not go on...WTF? This is not my style. I couldn't handel being around the rest of my kin not even the sweet darling=Bella boo=. That's why I snuck to an "off limits" part of this huge place. The call was to strong.I didn't feel like battleing myself so I just came. Noone will give a fuck anyway. And that's odd for me too. I love hanging with my kin & I love that wee bella more then I can tell you.But I HAD to be away from them. I know part of it is what day is nearing. It's all comming back freash all the pain from loseing both..in one fatel swoop-- so much for haveing delt.... I hurt both mind and body. I don't care if you find me weak. If you knew 1/2 of my life..well you'd be shocked it's only 2 scars I carrie.. I can't talk to my kin & I'd never lay this on a few anyways.They know all to well what I'm dealing with. They are too. I look out that tower window..I look down at my battered hands..unsealing a door isn't easy..I woder just what it is..why I have to always deal with shit and mental pain. I wonder why do I carrie on? wouldn't anyone be better off if I wasn't around? but then I hear so clear certion voices..voices breaking with feeling telling me it's not the right thing to ever do it causes more pain. And well i've caused enough. Fruck!! I need a good drunk on! Luckyly I know we have tonz of booze in this place...Time to numb out....

I am worn out people. I'm to worn out to even try and reinstale the IM that uninstaled itself again. Sorry,Yeah I know your crushed not to talk to me. LOL riiiiight. But it is worth it! It's been a long day. But productive. Things are starting to come and jell into a workable plan. I was able to find funds..welll it's called my orgy cover band does 3 gigs this weekend. But that means no selling of things dear to the hearts of us.And it means funds will be there to use. The gigs will take the piss outta me though. I'm the singer..ummm i'm not the type stands by the mic n sings I move all over that stage. Not real great to do with the stiches n shit but hell I've giged feeling worst.I am damn skiked to be doing the gigs.Been way to long.Thoush we're moveing more to our own songs I know a few orgy will find it's way into the set..pretty much we'll have to since we're still blue Monday. Many of you won't get this it's ok(yea,Rave i know I speek in code sue me).But the one I'm aiming this at will know.. Things are comeing together. The plan we spoke of is getting laid out and soon be put into action.And I look forward to it. So keep your faith in me. Whoa brain stopped working... guess that means time to blow off...

I not all that lucide right now so if I don't make sense try and keep in mind I'm still in the hospital and I'm on some damn strong meds. But--I'm in alot of pain even with the meds so I'm blogging till I pass out from one or both! Ok I'm gonna do a bit of raging here. I have a pet peeve. It's people not taking the time to read my profile. Then becomming upset over a fact that is clearly stated in my profile. Be that the fact I'm Bi or into the BDSM lifestyle or what have you. I'm honest n I've been told i'm a bit to nice at times. Maybe so.I don't like upseting people unless I absolootly must. Sooooooooo... PEOPLE PLEASE DO ME A HUGE FAVER! READ MY PROFILE BEFORE YOU GO OFF ON ME FOR NOT TELLING YOU SOMETHING. You see if it's on my profile I expect that it's known. So I don't repeat alot of what's covered on my profile that would be a bit reduntit. I'll be happy to tell you anything you'd like to know IF it's not covered. There's a reason a profile is made. It's so you know a bit about the person. I know not all are honest on them. but I am. I guess I just expect others to be as well. And for fuck's sake..Show a bit of respect! I am not the type that will cyber with just anyone. I won't feed your fetish of seeing nude guys by sending you photos of me.I'm no prude but those pic are reserved for those closest to me. And I don't even own a web cam so no I won't go on webbie with you so we can"play". I also happen to be off the market.My profile clearly states this. So asking me any of those things is just showing a lack of respect. To me & the one I adore. We might live in a polly household but that isn't a reason for disrespecting either of us. I don't over step my bounds by assumeing and neither should any of you. I have made some really great friends on here. As you can tell by the number of friends I have I'm not a friend collector. I talk to those I do add on my list. I know i've sucked lately but I have been fighting to live & in the hospital. So I think that's a good reason. And this rant isn't aimed at any of you on my list. So do not feel it is. But it IS for those that have approched me requesting such things. And OMG NOT reading my profile! It does help to advoid unneeded drama!! So READ IT!!

I'm ryan's couson= Deamon Lord on here=. and he asked me to post this blog for him. He remians in the hospital after he was jumped a bit back. the toxin that was on the blade used in the attack was some really bad shit N it has embedded deeper in the soft tissues then was at first thought. They are treating it but it seems to not be working well. so tues. there is a very real chance he will have to undergo more surgery to 'stay" the toxins so they don't travel more. It would be very bad were it to reach the blood stream. VERY bad. He's in alot of pain and most times isn't lucide due to the high levels on the medacations he's on. My Mate & I saw him a bit today & he was lucide for a bit. That's when he asked I post a blog so those of you on here that actually talk to him would be aware of whats going on. and not be worried he died. Your welcome to contact me for updates if you wish. I'm :deamon lord(Poisoned #1 groupie) on here. Just let me know who you are.I don't give out info blindly. And to any CT admins reading..Ryan is very much aware i'm on his account. He did request it.I will not be after this is posted.

Hey,all No i'm not Ryan.I'm his cousin's mate and ryan asked me to post this blog on his behalf. Yesterday he was involved in an attempted car jacking. He didn't give up the car but they got 500$us & he got a few injuries. The worst being a broken leg and his side being cut from about rib to above the hip. And what's worst is the blade used was tainetd with some chem. the hospital is still unsure just what it was. If he hadn't of been drug to ER well he;'d be dead. No suger coating about it. So he's in the hospital. We're told till at least Fri. and tues they will be going into the wound& doing what amounts to a scrapping to removed the toixan in the layers of the fleash and a small part of fleash needs removed to. So he won't be on line Or on the mns IM(when it works.Not like tonight when it don't). He didn't want anyone to worrie. So requested I do this blog. He has given me his ok to check back if needed so feel free to send the get well wishes.I'll be sure he sees them.

So first i'll do the updates on site here. I at last got around to doing something to make my profile more me.It's never done it's always changing much like I am. But it's jazzed up a bit & it has a song that means alot to me on it now.I'll only say it was a song that was M7m & myselfs. That's enough said. The updates on me..well i'm loveing London. Except it's colder then I expected. But so far I'm enjoying living here. I still order chips n get fries and vice versa but I'm learning. And My Harley will be arriving from the states come tues. after noon so i'm pumped to have my ride again. Yeah,to damn cold to ride it but then I've been known to ride it in KS soo... Still singel. Not a shock there. Some wounds will never heel & I'm just not ready for anyone new just yet. Well at least outside of the polly household I'm finding I am a part of... And I interview for a Djing job thurs. as well. So soon I'll have work. And it works well cause my hours will work around when i'm needing to watch the fair Bella boo.And I can still check out POISONED gigs too! (Yeah,Rave so? I shameless plugged your band)! Welll...last night I attended a small but very...interesting Fetish ball. It was hot,loud & lots of fun. To much fun i'm thinking going by the pounding on my head right now.I lernt one thing: When you get home and your sweat covered & in letex..ummm VERY bad move to just yank the cat suit off.OWWWwwwwwww! I think I lost skin doing that! And i don't remember but I must've gotten either whipped or flogged....i've a few welts...and I know no way I coulda put them on me..I mean the spots are ones I simply cannot reach. Met a few really cool people there. So it looks like i'm gonna have a few friends to hang with again. Which is great.I'm a very ..people type of guy. So not knowing alot of people at the moment sucks. don't get me wrong my fam n kin are cool as shit but yeah! I need friends too. FRIENDS nothing more. Ok I need some advil in ahuge way!