yah, I'm stupid — Friday, 06 October 2006
So,
I didn't get much sleep lastnight, It was hard to get to sleep cuz my mind didn't want to shut off, then when I finally did, I woke up to my roomate and his girlfriend. REally gross and depressing that was.. It went on for a while, and then it was hard to get back to sleep, so I only got a couple of hrs.
I didn't have my first class today, but I didn't remember that until I left to go. So I was way early so I read my cj book. Then I went to class, and I the tests were handed back. I got an "A" but that's cuz he adjusted the scores to 76% was an "A". I got just that. I thought I did better than that. But ohwell, I'll just have to try better nextime. Maybe study instead of getting drunk the night before. Well after class I had the perfect oppurtunity to ask that girl out. But I didn't. I think there must be something seriously wrong with my head. I know she likes me. I don't really see any reason she'd say no. ( unless she happens to have boyfriend or something ) But I still didn't do it. NOw I'm sitting here feeling really stupid. And lonly and bored. A bad combination. It's all rather depressing, but I'm not sure what to do about it now. I hate the weekends. Everything seemed to go well today, it was almost like an omen, or some kind of hint, or assistance. It's like someone said here ya go, and I didn't take advantage of it. I'm not sure what the fucks wrong with me. Just can't seem to talk to people unless they talk to me, or I have to talk to them. I guesse eventually the have to will kick in. Because it will be either talk to her, or lose my mind completly. ( Wich isn't really that far away )
I've only actually walked up and talked to one girl I didn't know my whole life that I didn't have to. ( that I can remember ) It's hard to see what was there then that isn't here now. It was kind of a " love at first site " thing. It was the red hair, and the dear in the headlights look. I kinda talked to her anytime I saw her. But never asked her out or anything. I didn't have a car then, so it made things wierd. I guess I should have asked her to hangout in my room or something. She ended up with another guy, Eric Lepage.. I have a picture of him on my site actually. He was a crazy asshole junkie basicly. She actually got him to quit drinking for a while. They broke up around when we went to Afghanistan, and he went and she didn't. She didn't want a deployed boyfriend. I think they were actually engaged at one point. After we got back from Afghanisan, she had a boyfriend, and sometime after that, I don't rembmber if it was after Iraq or not, probably I guess, she was pregnant. After she was with lepage though, the thought of her was far less appealing.
I guess as it is right now, the lucky girl that actually walks up and talks to me is the one who ends up getting my attention. I don't know. I just don't understand myself sometimes. The antisocial not talking to people thing is a genetic thing I get from my mom. She has a lot of the same issues. So I guess it's all her fault. lol. j/k. Genetics, nature vs nurture. I didn't even like talking to people on the phone, or anything. I was basicly an operator in the army. Communication was my job and responsability. I had to talk to people on the radio, and on the phone. I guess I was able to adapt cuz of my job. It was necesary. I was games person at lagoon, ( an amusement park ) I had to talk to everyone that walked by to try to get them to play my game. It was my job, I had to do it, so I got uste to it. If someone paid me to talk to that girl, I'd be able to. If someone there dared me to do it, I would. But for somereason, there's some block that stops me from talking to her as it is. Kinda weird. I talk in class. I can talk infront of large groups. I'm not worried about being embarrassed. I'm not that worried about what other people think of me. There's just this weird thing that prevents me from talking to people I don't know for my benifit, or enjoyment.
