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Yes, I said VALENTIME.......
With a damn “m.”
And every one of us knows someone who, for some reason,........just can’t seem to pronounce it right.
The non-speaking folks don’t call wine “wime.”
They don’t say fine as “fime.”
So what the hell is up with Valentime?!?
I guess those multi-syllable words be wearin’ they azzes out.
Anyhow....
In observance of Valentime’s Day..........I’d like you to stroll down memory lane with me and explore the V-day memories of the Tha Chokolate Kovered Freak (me).
I remember my first “real” Valentime’s Day like it was yesterday….
I was in 6th grade.
*ahem* Why you laughing?? .......So what!........ I was a late bloomer!
Girls didn’t really start liking me until I was about 13!
I ain’t apologizing for not being fast/mannish like ya’ll azzes!! LOL
Anyways......
my Jr. High did this thing where everyone was issued a paper heart with their name on it during homeroom....... Throughout the course of the day.....you would hug people and after the hug..... you’d exchange hearts.
So you’d be wearing someone else’s name until the next hug.....(See where Im going with this?).....At the end of the day, a name was picked at random and announced over the intercom and whoever was wearing that person’s name got a prize or some shyt...... Following me?
So, of all you readers out there, who can tell me what the fundamental flaw is with this scheme?
Yes, you in the back.
“Yeah um… like, if you hug a girl after she done hugged another dude… you be like, wearing anutha nygga’s name an’ shyt.”
Bing-fuggin-GO!
Say Kesha is the finest girl in school....... So every dude wants to hug her........ So Jason hugs Kesha....... They exchange hearts so now Kesha is wearing Jason’s heart...... Now you go to hug Kesha and exchange hearts....... See the problem?!?!
NOw YOUR punk azz walking around with a nygga named JASON all on your heart!!
Even at 11, I knew that was some gay azz shyt.
In fact, what do you call a brokeback heart exchange??
Broken-hearted!
*bah-dum-ching!!*
All of this, however.......was only a mental exercise for me since no one would want to hug my geeky azz…as had been proven during previous heart exchanges when I was 11 and 12. ......There is nothing worse than ending the day still wearing your own damn name!
But this particular year, at age 13, things were different. Girls started digging me and I had my first girlfriend, even though it only lasted 3 days… with fickle ass Cheron. LOL
On this particular V-day one of the more popular Black chicks in school grabbed me right out of homeroom and said, “Hey boy, where’s my hug?”
*blank stare*
I.WAS.SHOOK!
She leaned in to give me a hug, and then it hit me….
I AIN’T KNOW HOW TO HUG!!!
I’m for real ya’ll........ The only hugs I knew how to give were grandma-auntie-Sistah Edwards hugs!
You know, that child-like hug where you wrap both your arms around the person’s body and bury your cheek in their stomach/chest depending on how tall you were?!??!!
THAT is the hug I gave this girl!
I hugged like a damn toddler! AT 11!!!!!
Her AND her girls laughed like hell when I walked away!! LMAO
But I got that damn heart.....*so there bytches*
And I didn’t hug ‘nan muhfukka after that either!!
I wore that heart like a badge of honor...... And dudes were lookin at me like “Dayum!!....... You got THAT hug?!?!”
Yeah playa. Don’t sweat the technique....*brushes off shoulder*
My stock immediately rose after that.......and I had two more girlfriends before the year ended......And that girl, whose name was Dewanna...... became my first REAL girlfriend and gave me my first real kiss......which was another embarrassing situation.....but we'll save that for another holiday.....
Valentime’s. The College Years.....
A few years later, I was in a relationship with the girl that would ruin my capacity to treat a woman right for several years...... But this year...... we had been together for almost a year......and despite our long-distance relationship due to me being in college in New Orleans.....while she was at some school called Austin Peay???? (who knows)..... the love was strong.
We were apart on V-Day...... but she sent me a package...... It consisted of 14 envelopes..... In each envelope was something different....... Like a card in one........ A poem in another...... A naughty picture in another........ And so on and so forth......
By far, that is the most creative gift I’ve gotten for V-Day......
In one of the envelopes was a “coupon” that granted me permission to do whatever I wanted to her.
WHAT.EVER..I.WAN...TED....
To a teenage dude, it didn’t get much better than that.
*sigh*
I think I still have that damn coupon....... I wonder if there’s an expiration date….
Valentime’s...... Senior year of College.......
A little while after me and the ol’ creative, hurtful azz girlfriend above broke up.......I met the finest woman that I’ve ever dated ever on earth ever!..... LOL
This girl was so fine, that I drove her six hours to my Pops Military Base......house just so I could show my Dad how fine she Was!! LOL
In fact...... I called him the night before and told him..... “Papi, Voy a traer a esta muchacha del hogar de la escuela con mí mañana. ¡Y papá, ella es MALA!! Cuando usted la ve, usted verá. Usted será como ‘Oooooo DAYUM!’ ”
***translation***
Pops....I’m going to bring this girl from school home with me tomorrow...... And Daddy, she is BAD!!...... When you see her..... you’ll see........ You’ll be like...... ‘Oooooo DAYUM!’ ”
We arrived at my Dad's house and my Dad and one of his military buddies were outside washing my Dad’s Corvette.
My friend — who gave birth and credence to my theory that the finest Black Women in the USA are from Detroit (yes girls… the finest WOMEN period are in Atlanta and MD/DC/VA… it’s a toss up....but Sistahs????......The Motor City all the way.....) — was dressed in some heeled boots, fitting black pants with a bellbottom-like flare at the bottom, and a nice jacket and blouse on top.....
She was so fine the shyt was unfair.
And you know what my Dad said, when he saw her??
“Oooooo… Dayum!” LOL
And THEN he had the audacity to explain to her what I’d told him!
*that triflin mofo*
V-Day was shortly after that visit and I bought her a dozen white and red roses (I had pledged Kappa by that time, so those were really the only two colors I knew) some mylar balloons, and a card and left them on her doorstep.
The plan was to wait until she called me thanking me for the gifts and then invite her out where I could give her the last gift.
That last gift was a college-salary (i.e. broke azz Negro) tennis bracelet from Kay Jewelers.
Shyt, if every kiss begins with Kay, like the commercial says, I was finally going to get a flat backin going on.....at the very least a little lip to hip action.
Do you know this cooch didn’t even call me to say thank you!!
I had to (*cough*stalk*cough*) call her azz repeatedly just to make sure she got it, because nyggas be thievin an’ shyt on college campuses.....*fuck a Rhodes College Honor Code*.....that shit wasnt at Xavier and Loyola.......
And when I FINALLY got in touch with her TWO.DAYS.LATER…. she was MAD!!
LOL...... WTF?!?!?
She says that I was doin’ too much for her......That I was spending too much money on her........ That I didn’t have to do anything for Valentine’s........ That I shouldn’t do anything else for her........
Wow........ Wasn’t expecting THAT shyt!
Every kiss begins with Kay may be true, but no one told me that the “kiss” was just the first word in the phrase: “Kiss my azz!!”
Valentime’s. the Early Grad School Years.....
I remember there were about 5 years in a row where my Valentine’s Day always got off to a great start........ I would wake up in my bed...... stumble groggily to the bathroom,.....and there on the counter would be a small box of chocolates.....
On the top of the box was always a card in that frilly envelope paper that the real nice Hallmark cards always came in...... I would smile to myself because I already knew who the card and the candy was from.
Like I said, I’ve always been a bit of a geek....... I’ve always been a little bit corny......you wouldnt think so....cuz after 12th grade til now....I never really suffered from lack of female companionship......little did the chickie poos know that I was still into sci fi....and dungeons and dragons and shyt behind their backs.....
When I was younger, my eyes were always too big for my face… just like my hair was extremely curly on some Tracey Ellis Ross/Carrot Top shyt.... . I was more interested in pro wrestling and Nintendo than I was girls......... And when I became interested in girls, I didn’t know to approach them nor how to talk to them......
I lost my virginity at 14....in a psuedo threesome......which pretty much scarred me for life....I've since gotten the hang of that ladies....*hint, hint*
My first girlfriend Cheron dumped me after three days because I would never talk to her in school..... I would just wave and keep it moving...... I was too shy… too nerdy to know what to say...... or how to say it.
My Middle School Valentime’s broke up with me because she wore the pants in the “relationship.”
She wanted a big boy, and I was still giving toddler hugs.
My undergrad Valentime broke up with me because when she went off to college......all these upperclassman with cars and apartments and job offers were sweatin’ her and I couldn’t compete from 300 miles away knee-deep in Anatomy and Physiology books and working at a Food Lion stocking jars of peanut butter...(this was before my bourbon Street bartending Gig)
My Valentime’s 1996 tired of me because I was spoiling her and not engaging in the delicate dance of dating requiring simultaneous aloofness and persistence..... And though we eventually became really close, I was never the guy she could actually picture herself being with.
And while the Nerdy Audiologist may get the gorgeous interior designer, the nerdy Audiology major never gets the gorgeous interior design major.
My Grad School Valentimes....made the most profound impact on my life and still does to this day......Shes probably the closest thing I have to a best friend....and granted she hasn't even let me sniff the happy no-no spot in almost a decade....she still loves me (her words, not mine) and is always someone I can count on in a pinch (my words, not hers).
However,
Valentimes 1997 0r 1998...I cant remember which is the last time I remember making a girl cry tears of Joy.....oh there have been several tears since then......just not of Joy....
but anyways....
she had never been catered too on V - Day.....she'd never even recieved a boquet of roses from the myriad of wack assed dudes shed had before me.....so naturally I overheard her saying something to that effect in convo one night......and since I liked being the FIRST to do shyt......and our relationship thus far had given me the chance to experience many FIRSTS (i.e. She was the FIRST girl who actually had the title of GIRLFRIEND and got introduced as such; she was the FIRST girl I was totally exclusive with (I never cheated on her throught the 3 years or so that we dated, even though there were many miles between us); she was my FIRST true love....she was the FIRST girl I dated that I thought was smarter than me, (yadda, yadda, yadda....)
feelin me so far?
okay.....well this chick.....I went and bought her a bouquet of beautiful krimson roses....(like i said....Ima Nupe (Kappa) and she was a Delta so she matched my outfit)....so red was definitely the color of choice.....we'd even talked about buying matching stationary (like envelopes and notepads and shyt).....hahaha...I was such a DORK in love with this broad....
anyway....V DAY that year signified the beginning of my single life.....she and I had never had an argument during our entire dating life up until that point.....on Feb 14 1997/98 she was crying tears of joy....showing off her roses....taking pictures and shyt......a few days later we had our first argument (over what i cant even remember).....by March 17 we were no longer a couple.....and those weeks between V Day and March 17....we argued, fussed, cussed each other out, hung up in each others faces, .....all kinds of bull shit! It was like the gates of hell opened up and chewed our happy relationship to pieces to fine to regurgitate....
that breakup set off a chain of events that Im just now starting to recover from......granted.....she moved on...... and has been in several relationships and experienced other loves and heartbreaks since then....
but Ive never had another girlfriend....
Ive had plenty of RELATIONS...just no RELATIONSHIPS...naah mean?
But for about five years, I was on a win streak.... Every morning on V-Day before I ever had the chance to give this one woman a gift, she had mine waiting for me......
I’d open the card, and it was always along the lines of “I love you and I’m proud of you.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Mom.”
Those were the days.
Those were some good times.
Valen-times, in fact. .
TRUE STORY
