44472's blog: "WTF I FEEL LIKE CRAP AT HOME"

i feel worthless i feel worthless down right shitty i treated like shit and i don't know why did i do something wrong in a past life i want scream enough but then i just sit there take the abuse im handed as if i could do something to stop it if i don't take the abuse im alone if i do im still on the damned island I may be fat and i may be slow but when people need me im there and im helping so im lost where did i go wrong have i been taught old fashioned ways i know im going to hell and i act the best i can but im abused without remorse its all just good fun and no one got hurt i don't know what to do with myself ive lost sight of where i want to go i don't want to lead myself anymore ive been abused so much i just want to be lead

" In the brightest hour of my darkest day" well i know no one reAds this because if they did id be locked away so fast but it helps to pretend someones listening someone cares even tho ...... ok im at the point in my life where i dont know why or how i can be feeling this i know what i want to do i know how to do it but i just haven't gotten a chance to do something like take a major road trip or go to the shore by myself or even leave this place ive lived here all my life and im gonna go off to college maybe im just scared it wont be here when i return. "I realized what is wrong with me Can't get over you." plus ive just been depressed i can't really stand brian and carly being together(ok there you go im jealous too) but its me whos letting them be im not even over melinda i do know what i did wrong but i dont know how to fix it i become to emotionally dependant on those i love im dependAnt one way or another on loved ones id dont think ill ever be over her i dont think i could ever truly get her outta my head though i slightly get more depressed its ok ill deal with it im becoming more pessimistic each day or maybe im just being realistic "Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever One last kiss, before I go" "It is Time to let you go" 1. i know we will never get back together 2. if it were meant to be it wouldnt have ended like it did 3. well both end up happier for it 4.i at least have goals set and know how to attain them all Maybe i should just try to repress the memories of the past 3 years "Take these memories that are Haunting me" "Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever" To give credit where credit is due You may notice the lyrics posted throughout this blog if you havent gotten to hear the song already it is "Forever" by Papa roach

(this all takes place after a trip to ultrazone and dropping off friends) I wanted to believe that most cops if not all cops were nice especially with an Honest kid. NOW I know why kids lie more often then tell the truth because when your honest everything goes to hell now heres the thing i was told there was the place Where no one minded that 4 wheeling was done and yeah when i drove up to the spot (PINE RUN ROAD) there were 2 ft deep trenches by far way too deep for my truck to get through with not with out kicking something up so yeah basically i sat the belly of my car on the center of the trenches and just basically was splashing mud all over (aparently it was county property ) there was no signs posted there that said no tresspassing if there were it wasnt clear where they were. well to go on further as i was doing as little bit of mudding two people pass me two kids in what i believe to be a black ford focus with street tail lights (you know the gay looking ones with the chrome plates surrounding each one and light covers slightly tinted white) Stop to ask if i needed assitance and to ask if i had ever been mudding before i replied yeah but not here i said paragon off road park and said id be fine) i assumed they stopped to ask if i need help because i was just spinning my wheels kicking up muddy water on my truck.well aparently on my way home from this a cop was following me (Because my truck was dirty ??? So instead on cracking down on illeagal drugs and acts of REAL vandalism you know break ins and such YOU FOLLOW MY TRUCK BECAUSE I HAVE MUD ON IT? WTF??? AND IF YOU REALLY WERE SUSPECTING ME OF DOING SOMETHING WHY NOT PULL ME THE FUCK OVER OR WAS I DRIVING TO FAST FOR YOU TO CHASE ME YOU WERE PRETTY FUCKING CLOSE NOW THAT I REMEBER YOU HAD TO TELL THERE WAS MUD ON THE TRUCK BECAUSE I HAD MUD ON IT WHEN I WAS PARKED IN A DRIVEWAY I STILL COULDNT TELL IT WAS MUDDY COMPARED TO ALL THE FUCKING SALT) and well he has the nerve to call my house and ask me to come in that night which i do i give him a fucking honest statement that yeah i did do it and i thought it was something that noone minded and yeah i was there like i offered to go scrape the dirt off the road but you know telling me im gonna a get a bill from the county and possibly charges for destruction of property and some vehicle tickets too. now come on HONESTY HAS NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD WHY SHOULD I BE THIS GOOD PERSON WHEN I GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR BEING HONEST WHEN I COULD HAVE LIED AND GOTTEN AWAY NO PROBLEM???? YEAH I TRIED TO THINK OF THE COPS POINT OF VIEW YES I TRULY TRIED THE REASON WHY HE FOLLOWED ME ? CUZ HE THOUGHT THIS KID HAS TO BE A DRUG DEALER THERES NO WAY HE CAN BUILD A TRUCK UP LIKE THAT UNLESS HES DEALING. (THATS WHAT I THINK HIS MENTALITY WAS ) WHEN HE REALIZE IT WASNT HE DIDNT WANT TO ADMIT HE WAS WRONG THIS IS ONE THOUGHT. MY OTHER THOUGHT WAS HE WAS DISCRIMNATING AGAINST MY AGE GROUP ( WHY WOULD HE WATCH MY TRUCK HUH?) WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS HONEST AND I LOST OUT ON IT ALL let me leave it at this SOME COPS ARE PIGS & HONESTY HAS NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD WHEN YOU PEOPLE REALIZE WHY THE YOUTH OF AMERICA IS SO FUCKED UP AND CORRUPT IT WILL BE TO LATE IT WILL BRING THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE I WILL TEACH MY KIDS HOW HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY AND WHEN THEY GROW UP TO HATE ME BECAUSE LIFE KEEPS SCREWING THEM OVER THEY SHALL BLAME ME AND STOP BEING HONEST AND BECOME CORRUPTED I HAVE A FEELING HONESTY WILL DIE WITH ME. AND KNOW THIS I WASNT ASKING FOR GETTING OFF FREE YEAH I MAYBE RETARDED BUT I KNOW ACTIONS HAVE THERE CONSEQUENCES BUT COME ON I COULDA LIED SAID I WASNT THERE I WAS ON A FRIENDS DIRT BIKE TRACK (WHICH YEAH I AM GOING ON NEXT TIME A FRIENDS PROPERTY WHERE I DO HAVE THE OWNER PERMISSION AND NEXT TIME WHEN THE COPS PULL ME OVER BECAUSE ITS DIRTY ILL SAY I WAS NO WHERE NEAR THERE I WAS RIGHT HERE OH BY THE WAY DOYLESTOWN POLICE PINE RUN ROAD IF YOU LOOK ON GOOGLE EARTH AS SEEN FROM A PICTURE TAKEN IN EARLY JANUARY YOU CAN SEE THE DIRT AND MUD TRACKS THEREFORE PROVING I DIDNT DO DAMAGE TO ANYTHING THAT WASNT ALREADY DONE BEFORE JAN 31ST 2007 MEANING YOU ARE CHARGING ME WITH A CRIME SOME ONE ELSE COMMITED AND REALLY IF YOU HAD PROBLEMS LIKE THAT BEFORE WOULD IT NOT ALL BUT MAKE SENSE TO PUT A POLE IN BETWEEN THE TWO TIRE TRENCHES AND ATTACH A SIGN ON BOTH SIDES SAYING "NO TRESPASSING TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSOCUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW. THERES NO SIGN THERE AND IF THERE IS ITZ NO AN EASILY VISIBLE SIGN

Well if you read my last post then you know i was in a car accident you also know that it was mostly my fault (others fault was conditions of the day) but my fine i have to pay is $106.89 i shoulda just tried to not get the police involved. it was an accident you would think though that the people would want to not get them involved that way the people would have a lil more money to pay theyre insurance companys. Well i said id upload pics Heres the car i hit

here 2 more pictures one of the explorer and one with what was damaged circled in the picture



oh and what im being charged with is careless driving (not wreckless driving but careless driving)

this was written on november 1st just didnt get to post it here till now Ive gotten into an accident Yep we all know i got into a car accident today What: happened: I was making a left turn onto 332 from holland road my truck started to skid i hit an oncoming car. Everyone was ok i think we both were a little shaken. My car was Fine one winchmount light had the glass break but seems fine. his car on the other hand lost a head light and cracked the radiator and had to be towed. How i feel: I feel terrible if you honestly think i would like to be hit someone on purpose you should be bludgeoned to death with a spoon I feel like anybody who says something like i had intetionally did or that it was cuz i was careless it wasnt i lost controll and when i came under control i was heading into oncoming traffic

Well she called me up tonight giving me "bad" news that she fucked somebody else and then was still wearing her ring and was thinking about me when she did it she also told her maybe ex boyfriend that she still wants to marry me (yeah fucking right and shes saying i had the right to know she fucked some other guy I DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS TORMENT) I never cheated on her i never did anything wrong why the hell is she doing this to me she did it to the rest of the guys but they did shit to her so why am i treated like shit i put up with it for so long maybe she just gonna fuck with me until i go shoot myself Yeah thats it it'll stop everything im already going to hell

I feel like shit i didnt nothing wrong and she insists on torturing me like she had done to other exes. i stayed when she cheated i stayed when she said it was only cuz i wasnt there. i never cheated i never hurt her and ???? my parents are against me too so what am i doing wrong what did i do to desvre being treated like shit by almost everyone i dont wanna go to school because its just not fun

WEll as everythings been going on yeah ive been going out more ive been talking to more people from school. but i just dont like i dont feel like anything is right it has been about 3 weeks since we broke up i feel worse everday that passes the thing is as much as everyone would say itz not my fault it is i had some many options that i could have taken and i took the better one for my future / was our future Im really starting to get sick of life heres my daily routine Get up Take little white pill that just lets me bottle everything up and not release it get dressed make sure i got everything (maybe eat breakfast) get on the bus get off the bus at CRHSS Get on bus to MBIT from CRHSS sit in mr malacks class till 11:00 (fridays we go bowling ) go to lunch eat the shit they let me get then go to my Engineering class sit there until 2'15 go home play with the dog play some runscape or outwar then i just pray that my moms home or im up all night if shes home i get a sleeping pill if not i lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling and regret some choices ive made I'm talking to the ceiling My life just lost all meaning Do one thing for me tonight I'm dying in this silence The last star left in heaven Is falling down to earth and Do you still feel the same way Do you still feel the same way im starting to lose interest in music in life im just waiting for my body to cave in too

I never wanted to be apart i never wanted to break up i never wanted you to leave What did i do the distance cant be the only thing I had to be something wrong I had to do something totally wrong to screw up destiny we are meant to be together We are meant to be it is writtien in the stars we belong together and you left me

No one reads this so im not sure why i write in here but anyway I havent been feeling well Well i didnt really tell everyone this just a few close people im kinda nervous about getting my lisence i kinda fell asleep at the wheel while me and my mom were coming back from the grocery store i almost drove up on the curb and well i had so many mental images of what could have happened it scared the hell outta me and still scares me now i dont want to be that responsible im not ready for that I could kill someone if i make a mistake i dont care if my truck breaks or what i just dont wanna hurt anyone i couldnt live with myself Well anyway i didnt think it was possible but my mom made me feel like 1000x worse for not having a job ok heres the story how Renee wanted to go out with one of her friends to see a lacrosse game that her friends brother was in. She keeps asking my grandmother if she can take the car my mom-mom was like No! go ask your mother and my mom was telling her it was up to my mom-mom which she kept saying no go ask your mother (i think my mom should have just said no) but then renee some how brought up the fact that she doesnt have a car and i do. I guess she really didnt gather the fact that i do pay for it ( my mom told her that for me) but shes like im gonna quit my job i hate it there (i dunno why itz like $10/hr) and the thing is me and my mom went down to the video store (she wanted to see Flight 93 and United 93 i was gonna rent a game called Saints Row but i couldnt cuz i needed a credit card :( ) but she also told me that the electric bill was skipped a couple of times so yeah i maybe getting a check every month but the thing is the money isnt spent on just me its spent on my family i would love to go out buy a new game i would love to have gotten renee that PS2 i promised her id get her but the way she throws around money (that she spends on herself) she should go buy it herself she could get a car herself The thing is i want a job So i can give more money to the house things need to get done