Written Communication. Human Relationships. Assumptions. A Spiritual Connection
The word "Compassion" keeps coming up the last month. By compassion, I mean being gracious in relationships with others.
Where love, life, light and truth abound, when those who do good come together for common purpose as ordained by the Divine to impact a community, a culture or a world, then the Darkness of this age will do all it can to minimize their impact, to tear down, and to divide and separate. As one of the most quoted individuals in history said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…"[1] When reports of such instances begin to pile up from all over the world and from people working in the same Industry, you know Darkness is not happy when it is losing ground.
I have seen and experienced many situations over the past month that were not pleasant, as many of these others experiencing similar phenomenon could also attest. In addition to personal and family illnesses (at least one of which having been diagnosed as terminal), there have been numerous instances where people I barely know, or don't know at all, ascribe negative meaning to something I've said or written. I've literally found myself at times with mouth gaping in amazement, bemused, shocked, and most recently, tears streaming down my face for half a day in grief.
Many miscommunications have occurred in writing. I think it might be good to mention that email and instant messaging are among those danger areas of communication to be cautious in how you interpret someone communicating with you, because you can't interpret the person's tone of voice, or body language through these mediums. Tone means everything to us as human beings. This is the main reason "emoticons" were invented, "Emoticons developed as a form of paralanguage used as extended interpunction symbols in e-mail, instant messaging, online chat, bulletin board systems, and Internet forums where communication is rapid, and the lack of context in purely textual communications could lead to even simple statements being easily misinterpreted.[2]" Saying to someone for example, "You are so beautiful," could be a slam, a complement, a come-on, an insult, etc. Unless you know the person and/or their tone, you shouldn't assume the worst.
I recognize that I am a work in progress and make monumental mistakes in my communication with others. Each day I awake saying, "I am going to work hard today to have less Yuck in my life than I had yesterday. I'm going to seek the Light and seek to be a better person in all my relationships." I know I'm not perfect. All I can ask of others is that they would be gracious enough to give me permission to be wrong at times, because all of us make mistakes. What would the world be like if our "default mode" in relationships with others was to allow the space and permission to be the flawed, mistake-making human beings we really are? Wouldn't you want someone to simply give you permission to say "I'm wrong," and then lovingly allow you the grace and opportunity to deal with yourself and be a better person? It sure would change the world. How about that?
When I hurt someone, I go out of my way to offer an apology in a timely manner (as I always do after realizing I've caused offense). With the experiences of the last month, I am now making even more of an effort to over-communicate every written and spoken word. However, experience and education have shown me that even though I may approach a situation with my typically positive, prayerful, helping and faith-directed motivation and with the best of intentions, such troubles often have a spiritual dynamic of which most people are unfortunately not aware and/or are ill-equipped to manage.
When I was in seminary, I completed five semesters of Biblical Hebrew in a little over a year. Dr. Robert Cole and Dr. John Sailhamer were the kind of engaging individuals able to bring to life subject matter with a reputation for being as dry as a mid-summer desert. John Sailhamer, my biggest inspiration for not taking what people negatively say at face value (written or spoken), taught a class in which he spent considerable time discussing, "The Theology of Moses."
Sailhamer took Literary Criticism [3] and applied it to the first five books of the Bible. Here is a definition: Literary Criticism [3a] "is a method of analyzing passages 'that seeks to discover the underlying literary sources, stylistic features, type or genre of literature, authorship, unity, and date of a text, for their value in interpreting the text's meaning in its original historical context.'" The first five books of the Bible would be those sections at the beginning of the "Old Testament" for Christians, often referred to as "The Pentateuch;" and known as "Torah" for Jewish people, as well as "The Book of Moses." Sailhamer wanted to prove an important point in these lessons: IT IS A BOOK!
The bottom line being this: Moses was an expert author who knew his language and its nuances perfectly. He spent the beginning 11 chapters (Genesis 1-11), laying out language rules and usage, patterns, concepts and definitions for words he would use from that point on until the end of his story. It is a scholastic approach that is followed in arenas of higher education the world over on Moses' example.
If one of the best read and most skilled authors of all time can be misunderstood, have his words misconstrued and misapplied, what chance do the rest of us have?
The only solution I know is to live by an example of graciousness in communicating with others. I work hard at practicing and modeling a positive helping attitude in every relationship, and I choose to think the best of a person and their words to me. Those negative words I think someone else has said might in fact be the exact opposite.
A dear friend of mine calls this hearing negative in someone's words when they meant it for good the effects of "The Scrambler." The Scrambler, he explains, is a filter much like an air purifier that needs to be cleaned. The positive words of encouragement, assistance or humor leave the mouth of Person #1, and enter the filter of Person #2 which has been soiled by negative experiences with a totally different Person #3, or Persons #5, or #97, etc.
At that moment, he explains, Person #2 has a choice:
1. Do I react based on my filter?
2. Do I stop and ask myself, "I wonder what he[she] meant, because I don't think I comprehend properly what he[she] just said due to my own filters."
Here's an example: Person #2 is a female actor performing one stage, who afterward asks a male friend how she did. The friend says, "You did a good job." The actress may 1) take the complement at face value thinking, "Wow, that's really nice that my friend thinks I did a good job." 2) Perhaps, she is really insecure and hasn't completely overcome an upbringing where her father was highly critical of her and her mom was distant. When she hears, "You did a good job, " she allows The Scrambler to take hold of her thoughts and instantly takes offense, "why didn't he say I did a fantastic job? Or a great job? He must not really have liked it, or he would have been more enthusiastic. He must not really be a good friend. Why was he so sarcastic? I don't like him. I don't ever want to talk to him again!"
When I teach the Bible to long-term followers, I similarly challenge their taking things at face value. It is amazing how many have read a beloved passage and never critically asked the question, "What if this means the exact opposite of how I think I am comprehending it?"
When I teach, I exhort people: "If we have doubts, we need to challenge ourselves to be brave enough to seek the Truth behind someone's words instead of hiding in fear, prejudice and cutting ourselves off from others. Let's move past fear and not allow it to rob us of the greatest joy in life—building relationships with unique and diverse people who are on this same amazing journey of life."
If I were to allow a negative impression of what someone might have said to shadow my relationships, I may lose a precious potential friendship or I may miss choice wisdom from someone with a different perspective.
Producer Nick Cameron recently reminded me, "It's the Golden Rule. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.[4]'." The New Testament (Christian Bible) says, "Always do for other people everything you want them to do for you. That is the meaning of Moses' Teachings and the Prophets.[5]"
Assumption, Judgment and Accusation are trained responses. They were not intended by our Creator and should not be a way life, nor a way of thinking that is "normal" for us. Assumption, Judgment and Accusation are the enemy of positive thinking, gracious communication and fulfilling relationships. What would your life be like with clean filters? I am scrubbing mine all the time.
I seek out others who have similar values, like these. This is one of the reasons I've felt such a connection with people like Lee Travathan. I am inspired by Lee when she speaks on the ability our Creator has given everyone to overcome negative thinking, (which she calls ordinary "ordinary thinking"):
"You can fly! I know you can!"
-TOV
Notes:
[1] Jesus Christ, The Gospel According to John 10:10, New International Version (NIV) Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
[2] Emoticons developed as a form of paralanguage used as extended interpunction symbols in e-mail, instant messaging, online chat, bulletin board systems, and Internet forums where communication is rapid, and the lack of context in purely textual communications could lead to even simple statements being easily misinterpreted. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emoticon
[3] a. Literary Criticism, Definition: With reference to the Bible, a method of analyzing passages "that seeks to discover the underlying literary sources, stylistic features, type or genre of literature, authorship, unity, and date of a text, for their value in interpreting the text's meaning in its original historical context." www.religioustolerance.org/gl_l.htm
b. analysis of literary works: the process or art of analyzing, commenting on, and judging the contents, qualities, and techniques of literary texts. Encarta® World English Dictionary [North American Edition] © & (P)2007 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for Microsoft by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.
c. If historical criticism is concerned with the historical circumstances in which a text was written, literary criticism is concerned with the text as a finished piece of writing. The questions here are not so much how the text came to be written or what we can know from outside the text to account for what is in it, but what we can learn from what is said in the text itself. www.bibletexts.com/glossary/biblical-criticism.htm
[4] Behave toward others as you would like to have them behave toward you, as in Of course I'll help him out; it's a case of do unto others, and I may be in the same boat one day. This so-called golden rule is stated in just about every ancient writing about behavioral precepts (including the New Testament, Talmud, Koran, and the Analects of Confucius). Among the earliest appearances in English is Earl Rivers' translation of a saying of Socrates (Dictes and Sayenges of the Philosophirs, 1477): "Do to other as thou wouldst they should do to thee, and do to none other but as thou wouldst be done to." It is so well known that it is often shortened.
Source, Answers.com: http://www.answers.com/topic/do-unto-others-as-you-would-have-them-do-unto-you
[5] GWT Version of the Bible, (GOD'S WORD®), Mathew 7:12.
