BiSerendipitous Beauty's blog: "Writings, poetry and musings"

<!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} -->

A voice soft as the wind

Blows through my mind

Bringing thoughts I believed to be extinct

Back to life.

 

Scenes of crimson tears flood my mind

Sharp, silver edged saviors flash before my eyes

I begin to ache for the release I once craved every day.

 

These thoughts I must lock up inside my mind

To share them would be my demise

A mind diseased can never be cured

Remission is just a rouse

In the end we all die from the pain we must keep inside.

 

NLJ 9/16/09

Waves of terror descend upon my mind

Wiping away any sanity left behind

An undercurrent of darkness drags me down in to the abyss where my mind no one will find.

 

NLJ 5/9/09

Disclaimer: This was written from pure creativity and is NOT a reflection of how I am currently feeling as previous writings have been...Enjoy!

 

Darkness Falls

 

<!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1107304683 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:"Bookman Old Style"; panose-1:2 5 6 4 5 5 5 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} -->

Darkness falls like a curtain covering the windows of my mind,

Blocking out the light that once brought a happiness you rarely find.

What was once a pleasant place to dwell;

Has now become my personal hell.

A dungeon like none I have never seen,

But have only ever experienced in my tortured dreams.

Locked away, insanity my only mate,

Building and feeding a ravenous hate.

Darkness falls like an angel descending upon my soul;

Engulfing what remained of my life and leaving my body in a six foot hole.

©NLJ 5-5-09

 

Words spill out of my mouth like paint onto a canvas The end result will be my self portrait What will I look like to the outside world? Art is what is perceived by the viewer This is why it matters so much what others see Do they see the scars and tear stained face from too much pain on the inside Or do they see the butterfly I have finally become painting a rainbow with my wings For too long the only people in my life commented on the negative never seeing the beauty within Now I am expected to live my life with confidence When I cannot even look at myself in a mirror and be confident that the reflection is really me. A body that compares to those who I longed to emulate all of my life But looks can be deceiving…no one sees the scars or the sadness from the past They are covered by an external picture that is more appealing to view. © Nicole L. Jarvis 3-23-09

Your kisses tender and sweet melting my knees the first time we meet. Your eyes like pools of compassion and a portal to your soul, I look into them and feel the love you hold for me inside. Your arms embrace me and I feel safe and loved, knowing you return the feelings that I have for you making a difference I had never known before. When we make love, that is what it is, this does not mean it is boring as many may think, but that we both want to bring pleasure to the other because we love them so much. The promise of happily ever after is one I thought could only exist in fairy tales, but you are proving me wrong. Taking care of me and helping me to heal you are my prince, my knight, my world. I love you!

"All it takes is 1 person to f**k up you mind" was my status last night, and then I was reminded that "all it takes is 1 person to fix it." A week ago I would have laughed at anyone who said the latter of the two phrases to me. You see I had been lead to believe that I was second rate, that I was not good enough to actually be a girlfriend or even someone that was being dated all under the guise that he "wasn't ready for a relationship". It messed with my mind more than I think he even knows and now is claiming that I hurt him.....4 months of loving someone and giving them all you have and receiving very little to no reciprocation can wear a person's mind, heart and soul. I was lucky late one night I encountered a person like no other, someone who understood where I was and where I had been. Our souls melded as we read one another's writings, the deep dark ones that were rarely if ever shared with others because they would not understand or think we were crazy, but we understood in fact it felt as though we had written the other's poems because we had each been in that place. He held a proverbial mirror up to me to show me the hurt I was living in and offered to share is strength and courage to me in order to help me break free....and I did, giving in only once but then through his strength I pulled myself completely free. I thought once I had escaped that things would be better, but I am now realizing that leaving was just the beginning of a long journey as I work to believe what I now hear and to forget what used to be said to me and how I often felt. The journey will be a long and arduous one, but with him by my side I believe that I will make it to my final destination in his arms.

I used to think the fairy tale was just that, a story that was read to young children to give them hope for the future. I heard a few adults talk about the fairy tale coming true, but as my years add up my hope that it would ever happen for me quickly began to fade. There were a few people in my life who I thought could bring to me the happy ending I so desperately sought, but each time I was disappointed and left feeling like the old hag who lived in a shack in the woods. I recently met a phenomenal person, started out as a friend who listened to me vent when I was having a rough night, however there was a connection made and after a 9 hour discussion one night we both realized there was something very special between our souls. I never voiced to him my longing for the fairy tale and happy ending, yet one day he tells me that he will give me my happily ever after.....I have to admit that I believe I have honestly found my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armour and the person who will make me happy......ever after. I had to travel for 16 hours to find him, and I had to do something that I knew I needed to do, but was too afraid to do in order to get to him, but it was all worth it. I only hope that he believes I am his princess. I want this to be real, I want this to be last, and I want to live happily ever after.

Beautiful colors of pinks and yellows, reds and oranges fill the rose garden that is life, providing happiness and smiles, showing love and affection to those who are special to us, but in amongst all of these beautiful roses there are black roses, not the ones people say are really deep purple, but a pure deep black. These roses represent the hurt and sadness in life. Some people have only a few scattered throughout their garden, but my garden has many, in fact there are entire sections of my garden where only these roses grow. My roses too are unique in that when they open and blossom they appear to cry tears of crimson. A phenomenon others do not understand, because as others pass by my garden all they see are the beautiful colored roses along the perimeter, not looking inside where the roses that thrive are the black, bleeding roses of my life. I have been told in time these roses will adapt and change and gain the color of the other roses, but when? It has been almost 30 years and I do not know that much has changed. Perhaps at times these black roses were not quite so prominent and did not grow so large, but they have still remained. A few certain friends have stopped to observe my garden and have seen the darkness within it scares them I know, because it scares me even after 30 years of living with it. I live my days now wondering when the black, bleeding roses will take over the rest of the garden choking out the color around the perimeter leaving me with a garden of death. © fallenangel 3/04/2009