There comes a time in your life you realize you're your own worst enemy.
I am so scared I am going to pull my great Houdini act. Pushing people away before they get to close.
I've built this enormous wall around myself and I just can't escape. Escape myself.
I used to need to think things through on every possible level. Focusing on every minuscule details before I would even consider taking an appropriate action. Its funny how life forces us to change in ways we never could even imagine. It's forced me to no longer have any well thought out plan for awkward social situations.
It's forced me to break down my barrier walls and let people through. No longer able to hide behind a hardened bitch persona. Forced to admit that sometimes I need to let someone help me in life not only for my own sanity but people like to know they are wanted and needed.
When you look back on your life. Do you view memories through your own eyes or as if you're viewing it from the outside. All my memories in my childhood I feel detached from as if they happened to someone else and I am just a bystander. Sometimes it bothers me I just wonder if anyone else remember's stuff this way or if there is a reason why I do.
I guess various things have been bothering me lately. Some may say I am just being to "touche". I am just quick to get annoyed lately. Just the slightest things set me off.
I kind of feel like I have been dropped by my fathers family again. They talked to me for a little bit then all a sudden stopped out of nowhere. I don't feel like they owe me anything. Nothing like that. I just wanted to get to know them.
Life is made up of cause and effects. One slight difference and you will have a completely different outcome. I don't hold regrets. Life is to short to constantly question "what if". Sometimes it just leaves me dumbfounded knowing if I made just a few slight adjustments to choices in my past; I would be in a completely different place living a totally different life.
Do these pants make my ass look big?
She's getting ready for a party and these dreaded words slip through her pretty pink lips. Your mind starts racing and you break into a cold sweat.
Yes, ladies want a truthful answer but sadly some can't handle the truth. (this goes for both sexes). Don't lie to her and send her out dressed in a way that may later embarrass her. Lying will also come back and bite you in the ass. If the outfit is really unflattering try a more gentle approach (something that will still get you laid that night). Suggest she change into something you know looks good on her. Tell her you find her utterly sexy in it.
This is the first of many blog entries. There is going to be a whole series of these.
I am the type of person that people come to with relationship problems. Probably because I am a straight-forward person with a realistic outlook on things.
I decided to put together a composite of different situations that males often find themselves in and later wonder what they did wrong. (By no means am I saying this about all males.)
We know you have a past.
We know you have a past so do we but unless we ask. We don't want to hear about it! A problem that I see happen constantly is men open their mouths about stuff they had done with past females. Its nothing personal honestly but you have to think about it this way. Do you really want to hear about how good your girlfriends ex fucked her? (I know there are some kinky bastards who actually get off on this; but chances are you are not one of those people). Leave the past in the past if you want a future with this person. Females, chances are he is not trying to compare you with these women of his past. Sometimes people just don't know when to shut up. (this goes for both sexes!) People tend to get to butthurt over small things. So, males next time you want to brag about how many times you got your ex-girlfriend off in one night. Stop and try saying something like "Lets see how many times I can get you off tonight!".
The last two days I have spent in a completly irritable mood. The slightest things have been ticking me off beyond belief. I feel bad for snapping at people; I just can't help it. To top it off I have also had such a sluggish/run down feeling.
Maybe it's just from the weather or everything piling up thats finally just taken a toll on me. I just hate walking around feeling like a ticking time bomb.
I feel like screaming or crying not that either would be mature or helpful. I have barely slept in weeks and its finally taking a toll on me. I keep getting told i'm being bitchy or moody. Maybe I am just overreacting and need to suck it up and deal with it. I am not looking for sympathy and not even expecting anyone to care. I guess I am just not doing my normal reaction to things and bottling it away. For once I have tried venting to people and mostly those that claimed to want to listen; turned around and said I am just moody. I don't hold things back. I say what I am thinking.
I've just been taking care of my aunt that is dying. She doesn't sleep through the night so I have to stay up with her, then crash for maybe an hour or two and take care of everything else. I hate watching someone I care about wilt away like a flower. She's has taking a turn for the worse over the last 2 weeks. The worst part is she knows it is just a matter of time and reminds me constantly. As much as I don't want her to pass away; deep down inside I know it will be the best for her. She will no longer suffer.
On top of it all, my cousin came to visit for the holidays. Tried rushing in and acting like a hero, claiming to want to help with his mother. He told me he was going to help me last night and never showed up. This is his last Christmas with his mother; how can he be so selfish? He showed up for dinner 4 hours late tonight. You would think he would want to spend time with her. Yes, of course its difficult seeing her like this but come off your high horse and show some damn respect. Even if he didn't want to help with her care last night he could have still been there to at least spend time with her.
I guess I just needed to vent tonight.
A lot of people think I sound depressed tonight. I am by no means depressed. I am just deep in thought.
You see, a few days I decided to start researching and trying to make contact with my father's family. My father passed away when I was very young. His family however never approved of him marrying my mother. (Just like my mothers family didn't approve of him) Unfortunately a few years later his mother also passed away. Which left little to no contact with his family.
I grew up only knowing my mothers family. (Except for a little contact around the age of 12 and 18) Don't get me wrong. I love most of the family I know. I regretted when I was 18 that I lost contact with my aunt and uncle that had randomly popped out of the woodwork. At the time I was graduating highschool, working 2 jobs and getting ready to go to college.
Due to the wonders of the Internet and me finally deciding I couldn't fight the urge anymore. I looked them up on MySpace and Facebook. Sure enough like most people they had accounts. Half not expecting an answer and half thinking what if these weren't even the same people? I left my aunt a message saying:
"Not to sound weird but I think you may be my aunt. If I have the wrong person I am sorry for bothering you."
She responded today saying that Yes, she was the right person and was there with my mother and father the night I was born.
I was shocked partly because I didn't expect a response but I also didn't know how to reply. I guess part of me really wasn't ready for the contact.
But, what finally put me deep in thought was some ladies message on my uncles wall on Facebook asking about me and how we were related. The way she wrote it sounded incredibly bitchy.
Am I making the right decision by making contact?
I am one of those people that go for things that I want. I rather have a downfall then be left with the constant nagging feeling of "What if?"