things for which you will die a horrible death. 1. if you want to get up before the birds start singing their song...by all means do so...at your own house...far the fuck away from me. 2. if you see that other people are sleeping at such an hour...don't fucking make assloads of noise...or talk to people upstairs while you're downstairs. 3.

never ever wake the baby.

4. walking past my room...does not mean peek in and see if i'm sleeping and if my eyes happen to open in a bleary haze...this does not mean speak. 5. if you're a coffee drinker...and awake...(please see numbers 1 - 4)...make fucking coffee. not gee i think this is coffee...real coffee...hot coffee...drinkable coffee. 6. do not bitch to me about how early you woke up during my first cup of coffee and my first cigarette...cuz a - i dun give a fuck and b - people have died for less. 7. if you're a happy happy joy joy morning person?...keep it to yourself. no one here gives a shit...especially in the kitchen...where sharp implements are entirely too handy. 8. dont wake me up after ive fallen back asleep from the first fuckin time ya woke me up to ask me if i want coffee. guess what? im sleeping. therefore i dont. 9. dont ask me at noon whats for dinner...i will hurt you. 10. i dont cook lunch. ever. you want it your way? im sure theres a disgusting not fit for human consumption mcdonalds/burger king/whereverthefuck somewhere. go there. -------------------------------------- those are the rules of the morning...which include but are not limited to... early risers will not be tolerated. happy happy joy joy morning people can go stay in a fucking hotel. theres no speaking before ive finished my first cigarette of the day...and at least half of my first cup of coffee. there is no smoking in the house. do not bitch to me about it. dont like it? im sure theres smoking rooms available at the motel 6. children have a bedtime. yes it is summer i realise this...and guess what? this is me not caring. their bedtime is strictly enforced. any screaming...running...loud talking...or any other such nonsense? you will be asked to leave. not later. not tomorrow. right then. if you have a problem with that...stay packed. it'll make it much easier for all of us. ----------------------------------------- if any of those rules are too difficult to comprehend and/or follow...and are broken... im sure 'your balls flambe' can be served to you on a platter delicately shoved up your motherfucking ass, as your belongings are being catapulted into your vehicle. -------------------------------------- this is what happens when you wake me up before im ready to be awake...(i.e. prior to 10 am in the summer) i need to hurt something. pain. lots of pain. nuts flambe. blow torches stuck up anal orifices penis kabob. vaginal ass-hat. (dont ask. the answer isnt pretty) an alarm clock shoved up your left nostril...without hope of retrieval...with the alarm set to 2:58am...on irregularly intervalled days... chinese water torture...with blood instead. a terrarium of fire ants, hissing cockroaches, stink beetles, and rats...large enough to encase a human covered in honey and pixie sticks...so they're slowly tortured before they suffocate. yes all of these things sound delightful...and then some. *nod*