I was talking to my friend tonight... And wow... Am I really that bad??? "why don't you do anything for yourself?" Why? Becuase I don't deserve it... I really don't... I want everyone to be happy dispite what it costs me because others happiness is more important... all I kept hearing was why... and "what do you want?" It doesn't matter what I want becuase I can't have what I want... I'm never going to get what I want... and you know why? Because I wont let myself... I push everyone so far away becuase I don't want to get hurt and the times that I do well it ends up like this... Me alone... I'm not fine with that... I'm really not but I am at the same time.. .as long as everyone else is happy... so now I'm sitting here intoxicated thinking... and ya'll that's not a good thing for me... I just want everyone to be happy...
I'm going to be selfish... and I'm going to go so far away that no one would even know where to find me... that no one would care... some of you say you do, but I've been there and heard that before and only two people have always been there for me dispite all of the drama with us and in their lives... they have been there for me when my husband was being a pansey ass whore and when I was alone in Iowa, when myl foot was broken and when I needed someone to lean on, finically or emotionally no matter how short or long it was... My "mother" was never there... and man oh man do I miss my real mom.. I miss her so much... I wish I could talk to her... and it hurts that I can't... she is the only person I've ever cried this much over... and I hate crying... I was taught to cry is to be weak... Woo-ah right daddy???? Oh GoD save me please... just save me from myself... i'm cracking right now... my bottle is overflowing... and I don't know what to do.... God bless Intoxication... or however you spell it.. I'm going by memory now... I'm going to go lay my sorrows in bed now... night ya'll...
