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Wow I really cant believe Im doing this but I guess Im needing to release some hurt and frustration. 

Seems new and old friends lie all the same.  Its funny how I never trust anyone, and the ones I thought I could turn their backs on me....Me, lol the one who would do anything for anyone, who gives and gives and asks nothing in return, who never asks for help....All I want for the next year is one person I can count on no matter what....its not like I would ask a thing from anyone but it would be nice to know that no matter what someone would be there for me.  If I died tomorrow, yeah there would be a few people at my funeral, and so oh were so close and blah blah blah....no one could honestly say I know Jami....Thats because I couldnt let anyone get too close...everyone lies to me and uses me for some reason...thats why Im such a loner.....

Would it be hard to just be a friend??  I mean a true friend?  Even if its a virtual friend?  People form relationships on line constantly, heck most would say they met the one online anymore.  People ask me what are you on here for...Im just here.  I sit back and watch everyone Bitch and moan, complain and regret.  Very few are happy and its sad.  My life has been a freakin roller coaster in the last few years but heck thats part of the ride of life....heartbreak and love, birth and loss....and thru it all the only ones I can count on are my family.  Im a very deep person, no one would know that because they all play games...no one can take the time to really know one another....I love you's and I want you's are thrown around lightly, no one thinks that the person on the other side really believes it, so people play games with others emotions and think nothing about it.  Its no big deal....It is a big deal, damn people think before you speak....are people really that callous, and selfish?  I hate to think thats true!  This world is disappointing enough without anyone else doing more damage. 

I hear all the time your beautiful and blah blah blah....looks dont get you love, they get you lust....Im nothing more than me...and thats enough for me, why cant it be enough for anyone else.  I would give my life for my true friends...not many of you could or would say that.  It hurts to know that no matter what I do, give, sacrifice will never make a difference to anyone...So why do I try?  Because it is the person I am....I want to be the one someone looks at and says I am lucky to know you...because I feel lucky to know you, even if you lie to me, use me, hurt me....you helped make me who I am today....because I will never hurt anyone like I have been hurt.  I am a friend to the end.... I know that no one really knows me and Im ok with that, it means you didnt care to take the time to find out how wonderful of a person I am and all I have to offer.  One day I will find my one and only and until that time...Im just here, to be a friend, a shoulder, I will give advice if asked not just open my mouth and tell you how you should live your life because its your life to live mistakes and all...something we all have to go thru. 

So all I want for 2012 is a true friend, someone I can trust and take what they say and know it is exactly what they mean....Until then I will keep my distance as usual, guess thats what makes people curious, my mystery....to me its just protecting myself from others taking advantage of me...because I have let people get closer to me than I should have and everyone of them has hurt me beyond belief...even if I loved them, I would rather have them as friends then not in my life at all...but I guess they dont see it that way and dont want me in their life at all....So I mourn their loss and the happiness they brought in my life even if it was a simple Hi how are you.  Sorry to burden anyone who reads this Im just confused and felt the need to get some of it out...and having no one to talk to makes it hard lol where is my shoulder to cry on?  Because this sucks, when you have no one to turn to in a time of need. 

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