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Baker's blog: "Worst Tattoos Ever Vol. 1"

created on 06/20/2008  |  http://fubar.com/worst-tattoos-ever-vol-1/b224857  |  1 followers
I've always been a advocate of people getting really unique, innovative tattoos. I, myself, make sure that everything I get isn't anything that anyone else has. That's one of the reasons why I design all my own stuff. What you are about to see are tattoos that are indeed, very unique. But it's not because they had someone from Miami Ink or Hart and Huntington or even Kat Von D work their amazing magic on them. It's because they're subhuman fucking morons who have either given up on life or are just too fucking ignorant to even know they have a hideously disfigured their bodies with a living, breathing joke. Let's have a look. I can't really rank these, but I'll try and save the best for last.

Well, I guess if you're trying to distract people from your vile back fat, you might as well cover it in Star Wars characters, right? The force is strong with this one...

Just in case this man ever needs surgery on his clavicle, the doctor won't need to waste any time going through his old medical books trying to locate that particularly tricky to find bone. Good work, buddy.

I almost feel bad putting this one on here because it literally almost made me shit my pants laughing. It's almost like he walked into the tattoo shop and said "Listen, I'm not sure what I want, but I want you to just pick 2 random things and ink them on me forever, please."

"Ok...how about a naked indian woman gently caressing a giant corn dog?"

"That's fucking perfect. Lets get started."

I can't really even think of a comment for this. Partly because I'm speechless, but mostly because I was thinking about getting a Ruben Studdard tattoo on my stomach. Now I'll just look like I'm biting off this guy's idea. Fuck.

If you can look past the fact that this is a fucking leather chair with a foot stool combo, this is actually an amazingly well done tattoo. Hopefully he's working toward a sleeve that will involve a plate with a steak on it and a baked potato, a 12 pack of Miller Lite and a big screen tv.

"Hi dad. This is my new boyfriend Rob. You know how you said I shouldn't date guys with a lot of tattoos cause they're normally white trash? Well, Rob only has one. Show him, Rob."

Hug Life, people. Hug life and squeeze it until it's little, joyous head pops off. Oh, and make sure you're riding a Huffy Bicycle with wings on it when you do it.

Take heed, Romano. You've been warned.

Ok, don't get me wrong, I love Hulk Hogan on a level that would be considered unhealthy by many, to say the least, but this is a bit ridiculous. First of all, it's extremely poorly done. Secondly, if you're going to put a god like Hulk Hogan on your back, maybe hit the fucking gym once a decade, you disgusting blob. Mr Hogan would be mortified to see his face on that back. If the only muscles on your body are the ones on your Hulk Hogan backpiece, enjoy masturbating to re-runs of Hannah Montana for the rest of your life because no female will ever touch you.

Mr. Cool Ice gets 2 pics, because he's THAT cool. This is an old pic, but I CANNOT possibly leave this one out. I don't even think I need to leave a caption for this. It pretty much speaks for itself. Especially the swim goggles on the back of his head. Oh, and check out the guy getting his back done eyeballing Mr. Cool Ice. Seconds later, Mr. Cool Ice probably kicked his ass. Yup.

If you don't know why the above tattoo is terrible, then stop reading this shit right now and never visit my page again. And no, it's not just because the line work is awful...

"What the fuck do you mean the auditions for Skeletor are over?"

Puff the back fat dragon, lives by the buffet....

Talk about realistic. I love the way the nipples are actually pointing upward at a 45 degree angle, especially.

True story - this woman was paid $10,000.00 dollars to get that tattooed on her forehead. TATTOOED. FOREHEAD. Go ahead. Think about it for a second. I'll wait. Still waiting. Ok...done? Good. $10,000 for that. I guess that'll pay for a shitload of Monster Truck shows and Nascar races. Oh....speaking of Nascar....

Here we have Florence. She sure does love her Nascar. She even has a wardrobe that separates her Jeff Gordon cars with straps so you can tell there's 3. I really can't stop looking at this. I would kill to see how many teeth this woman has. I'm sure I have more fingers than she has teeth. She must have had to mortgage her trailer to afford that most recent vehicular ink addition. Simply astounding.

Once again, if you don't know why this tattoo is shitty, slowly back away from my profile and go back to watching your Larry the Cable Guy DVDs. You're a moron of epic proportions.

I almost feel bad posting this one. Almost. Now, if you're looking to do a portrait memorial for a lost loved one, don't you do a little research? Ya know...see if your artist can actually DO a fucking portrait? Eh, probably not. Lets just slap it on and see what happens! Oh sweet! My beloved wife who passed away looks like a an Orc from Lord of the Rings! Exactly what I was looking for. I hope he at least got a deal on this one...

"Hold on. What the fuck? I said I wanted a PORKY tattoo. What the hell is this? Does that look like a fuckin' pig to you?"

"I don't care where you put it, just make sure it's real veiny. Plzkthx."

Just when you thought YOU was Tha Numbah 1 Dick Sucka, dis bitch comes outta nowhere. Congratulations.

Ya know what? I changed my mind on this one. This is a brilliant piece. Beers, beers, beers. of my favorite things of all time...

So, there's 2 scenarios that could have happened here. 1 - the guy walked in and asked for 2 man-mermaids jerking each other off with some majestic cocks flanking them while firing semen in a glorious arc above them in an explosion of color. Or 2 - He said "Listen, I'm gonna leave this one is your hands, buddy. Go wild. You can put the first thing that comes to your mind on me. I don't care."

"You sure, dude?"

"Yup. I'm sure."

"Alright, well take your shirt off and lay down. I'm gonna be a while."

Meet Curtis Allgier. Every father's dream son-in-law. Go figure, this is a mugshot. There's so much going on here the man needs a fucking chart to map it all out. Let's try and break this worthless human being's facial tattoos down as best we can. Lets get started.

Forehead - "Property of Jolene". Wow, what a lucky gal.

Middle of forehead - Swastika Nazi symbol. Color me surprised.

Eyebrows - "SKIN HEAD" See above.

Nose - Nazi boot. Yup. Good spot for it, bud.

Under the eyes - "515" and what looks to be "Style" 515 Style? Represent.

Cheeks - Some more swastikas.

Moustache area - Hatebreed band logo. I'm sure they're really excited to have this guy's endorsement. They're not even a racist band, for the record.

Ears - Naked ladies. Look closely. You see boobies? Yup, told you.

Lower cheeks - I really have no idea. Looks like a maze or something. I guess that's for when Jolene gets bored. Hope she has a water-based marker so she can do the maze and not make him look ridiculous with ink all over his face! That would be a shame.

Chin - FUN. It sure is, Curt. It sure is.

Other notes - Obviously he has several hundred small swastikas all over his face along with what looks like EYELID TATTOOS. Yes, eyelid tattoos. I would probably pay...well, maybe 2 dollars to see what's on this gentleman's eyelids. Any guesses? Maybe a couple Gummi Bears? More swastikas? Maybe "NICK" on his right eye and "LACHEY" on the left? Who knows.

Anyway, that's all I can handle for now. I have about 50 more pics, but frankly, I can't really look at these anymore. I hope you enjoyed feeling better about yourself for the last 5 minutes as you looked through this blog. Unless you're like me and spent 3 hours staring at the last guy's face. In that case, I'm sorry I stole that much time of your life you can never get back.

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