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What are you waiting for?
You turn me on…
Not like a light switch…
Like an old oil lantern…
Smoldering…from blackness…to enough heat to melt metal…
Every sense slowly feeling the burn…until my brain is on fire with the thought of you…
Until I can’t think, can’t breathe…until I burn.
I wear so many masks…sometimes I don’t even realize it…
Who I am, with different people, to keep certain things out of the light at certain times…
I do my best to accept people for who they are…I rarely give anyone a chance to accept me…
Someone close to me once told me that I’m masterful at giving away so much of myself without actually giving away anything…
I can put it down as myself actually evolving, but that’s only part of the truth…
The other part is that I refuse to stand in front of the mirror that is another person’s gaze…instead I reflect what I think they want to see…all part of me…but never the whole…
And I wonder sometimes if I’ve lost the ability to be something solid anymore…if I’m just constantly a liquid…morphing from one me to the next…
I don’t think I’ve ever been really happy for a long time…I won’t let myself….the fall hurts too much…
Hurts so much more than simply not being happy…treading water…
Vicarious lives through books and music and movies…anyone but me…those millions of happy endings my childhood promised me…all in my head…
All lies…
Do you feel it sometimes? When you create something?
That connection to something more than what you are…that loss of logical thought…the falling into of pure instinct…
Channeling something greater than yourself…it’s the only time I believe in something…
Something more than this brief candle flame.
Something guiding, working through me…unconsciously…
It’s why I like Jung…why I call myself Philemon…why I hope to someday swim in that sea…
I hope to find you…there…
