craigoo's blog: "words"

1. ARE YOU SHY? I really should, at least, TRY to be. When I walk by, I’ve noticed people want to knock me down and grind my head into paste. 2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Loving is a barbaric sport. 3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR? Fear itself. 4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? Nope, I was just a Lego. I was a white, square Lego, and when I walked by the other kids would knock me down and try to grind my head into paste. 5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV? As if reality weren’t bad enough… 6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? I chew on everyone’s straws. 7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? What’s wrong with you?! You’ve seen babies! You know what babies look like. … I didn’t look like that, but still. 8. WHAT SCENT DO YOU WEAR? Ass. 9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? Also ass. 10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Why the hell would I take a shower if I want to smell like ass? 11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? That’s the best euphemism for anal sex I’ve ever heard. 12. ANY SECRET TALENTS? Dunno. That’s how secret they are. 13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? Somalia. 14. BAD HABITS? On multiple occasions I have taken the heads of my neighbor’s children and seared them into my grill. You really have to work the spatula so the branding is barbecued on their melted faces. The crying and kicking and cheeks eroding in bursts of exploding fat bubbles, the little bitches shrieking that their noses are dripping off… When the job is over, when you have a kid’s face too mangled to show his grandparents, you’ll know it was all worth it. 15. CAN YOU SWIM? Shut up. 16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? I hate you so much it’s beginning to affect my handwritinhwpjrmdxuptbgvwo^zfe. 17. DO YOU GIVE A DANG ABOUT THE OZONE? Didn’t Superman throw General Zod into the O Zone? 18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A T00TSIE POP? Dude, it’s lollipops. I have the solution to eradicate world hunger right here. I know the cure for cancer. I can make Africa 23x more advanced than 89th-century Japan in less than a month. I transformed emotion into hair gel. I beat up crime in a wrestling match. Just ask me how. No more candy questions. 21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD? Excuse me. Just what the fuck happened to questions 19 and 20? 22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? Pencils sharpen now? It’s like a Huxley novel! 23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? God wants you to kill everything He made. It only took Him 6 days, He don’t give a shit. 24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? Marriage is a pointless creation, used mainly to cage those wed to each other through guilt by a fear of failure. Unadvised. 25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? LGQRZSPJFM! JvWTICojh@%LMo Frsb njp9-mDT 26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? Being knocked down and having my head ground into paste. 27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"? We broke up, loser. Get over it. 28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE? He never answers my prayers anymore. 29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?? If I yawn hard enough. 30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? I like them fucking rotten. 31. ARE BLONDES DUMB? If what I hear is true. 32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? In the store with all the other socks I can’t afford… 33. WHAT TIME IS IT? Summertime. 34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Dickfart. 35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? Yes, but so are you. 36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? Ages. 37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS See questions 8-10. 38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? Christmas is his birthday. 40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Question 39 is afraid of the dark. 41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? I saw a cat piss right in a sleeping guy’s mouth. Could watch that shit for the rest of my life. 42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUTBUTTER? It’s all just dookie, sweetheart. 43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? Yes 44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? no 45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? My breath is ass, too. 46. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? I’m a dude, fag. 47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER No, so stop breathing so hard outside my window. 48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? North Country Blue. 50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? no 51. WHO'S BETTER? Tough call. You’re all pretty good, but George W. Bush will just cheat to win again. And no one cares enough to tell him to stop. 52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC? You don’t even know my name? God! 53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"? I just did. It’s only four words. 54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? heh 55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? yes 56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? no 56.1/2. HOW ABOUT SKI? no 57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? no 58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? Snort what? 60. ARE DOGS MANS BEST FRIEND? It will be a cold day in hell before a dog is my best friend. 61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? How we solve things in this here town, and I’ll be damned if you think otherwise. 62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? I don’t even dream of being able to do the Moonwalk. 63. DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? Nevr. 64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? Jesus. Go see yourself. 65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? I forget… 66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? Oh yeah! Last thing I ate was nail polish! That shit fucks you up! 68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? That one where they desperately try to raise interest in a useless product that’s actually quite harmful and also addictive. 69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? If I got a hankering. The nationality of the eagle has no impact on its flavor. 70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? The KKK Glee Club [I’m kidding, I hate white people. Bourgeois assholes.]

1. Where is your dad right now? MOTHERFUCKER! He’s in a grave! Jesus, you creep. 2. Last time you kissed someone? I accidentally kissed a gal’s shoulder last week. I felt her tiny bones with my lips. She’s my age, but it felt like she was 12. Very bad. 3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently? This life is a dream. I’ll wake up to a brighter day, a bluer sky. 4. what color is your watch? Wha- SOMEONE STOLE MY GODDAMN WATCH! 5. do you like anyone? Does myself count? Then no, no one. 6. Are you close to your mom? Not on purpose. 7. Where does your best friend work? The White House and the Lake of Fire. [Cheney’s got 2 jobs. He works hard for the money.] 8. What are you listening to right now? God is speaking to me. Some Led Zeppelin should scare him off. 9. What do you smell like? Like I was Amish. 10. What color are your pants? Pants? 11. Wanna go see ‘Borat’ with me tomorrow, around 2? Sure. 12. What color is your bedroom flooring? Cardboard. 13. Do you have a chair in your room? What is this, ‘Trading Spaces?’ Go fuck yourself, you nosy douche bag. 14. What time of day were you born? I try not to think about it. Worst day of my life. 15. Do you know anyone who is engaged? If I do I hope they reconsider. 16. What's your favorite number? Seriously, marriage turns you into an asshole. Be wary. 17. Do you know someone named Lori? No. Get away from me. 18. What color is your mom's hair? Snakes. 1,001 snakes. On her head. 19. Do you have a dog? I’ve seen pictures. Unimpressive bastards. 20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Hell no. Are you insane? 21. When was the last time you went swimming? If you’ve ever felt even remotely like a human being, for the love of God, RETRACT YOUR QUERY!!!!! 22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? Much like you, they don’t like me either. 23. Did you ever go to a camp as a child? I was sent to Aushwitz. It sucked. 24. Do you play an instrument? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. . . 25. Do you like fire? Are you fire? Cos I hate you. 26. Are you allergic to anything? Fat people in wheelchairs. Stop leaving the house, gang. You sicken us all. 27. When was the last time you cried? Have not stopped in 26 years. Sadness is in everything. Hitler probably had no ambitions of being the greatest villain of the twentieth century as a child, but he is. . . I can empathize with anybody. . . 28. Have you ever been to a spa? Maybe a spa would end my tears. 29. Are you usually this much of a baby? I will kill you, swear to god. 30. Did you take science all four years of high school? “High school?” “Science?” Do you live in fuckin France? I can punch a pig in the face like 60% of the time. I aced American schoolin. 31. Do you like butterflies? I wish I could be pretty. 32. You are not pretty. No, yeah, I know. 33. What is one thing you miss about your past? My voice, maybe. 34. Have you ever seen the school counselor? I *AM* the school counselor, Holmes! 35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher I wanted to be a teacher, but more people wanted me to not be a teacher. I won’t say who exactly, but pretty much everyone ever was against me. 36. What is one thing you've learned about life? Jesus likes a good laugh. I mean, look at me. . . OK, that’s enough looking. 37. Are you jealous of anyone? I’m sure we all have areas that we need to work on. I would rather have my own issues than, say, some slut’s weird need to be sexy at all times. That’s gotta be exhausting. 38. Is anyone jealous of you? That’d be so lame. 39. Ever been stuck in an elevator? No one has. Elevators work. Quit perpetuating claustrophobia. 40. What does your dad call you? “Help me, son!! I can’t breathe down here!” [I miss my dad. . .] 41. What does your mom call you? Chirpy. I came from an crow’s egg. 42. What does you hair look like right now? I crack mirrors, windows, shiny book covers, door knobs, TVs, plastic and stainless steel just looking at it. Goddamn plastic. 43. Has a friend ever used you? Come on. That’s not funny. . . “Friend.” You’re ice cold. 44. Has anyone recently told you that they like you more than as a friend? Dude, are you gay? . . . That was vastly gay. 45. What have you eaten today? Toothpaste and ice. 46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight? Feathers. Born in egg. Listen. 47. Have you seen ‘Borat’ yet? I thought we were going tomorrow. 48. Who was the last person you drove with? Officer O’Brady. 49. What are you looking forward to? The end. 50. How are you today? Get off my property.