so its...548 in the morning...i'm dosed to the max on cold meds and feeling a little...heavy. i guess that's the word i'm looking for. writing seems to help, input always helps. here it is...its been a few days since i've talked to one of my closest friends. i have a few of you on here and if you're wondering if i'm talking about you...i'm probably not. they know who they are.

sometimes we go days without talking cuz my schedule with work is funky and when i get home i tend to want to pass out. but when we finally do talk again all is well. we catch up, i'm told i'm an asshole for falling off the face of the earth, i reassure stating that i'm not going anywhere, not leaving again. text, fu, twitter, skype...whatever, you'll find me eventually.  work stresses me out. i disappear a lot. need time to myself. i've never been the best at sharing my woes with the world. i'm usually the one listening to my friends bitch about their miserable lives. i tell you what, that gets pretty tiring, just sayin. i'm here for you but damn, every conversation something is wrong with you...gimme a break. please. unload some where else just once. please.

anyway, back to the current situation. we haven't talked. there were things said, i responded. haven't gotten any feedback since. sent 3 texts and one pm on here. feeling pretty shafted, especially since we're friends on every social media and i see twitter updates or shit done on here. kinda feel like that stalker girlfriend that won't let shit go, except we're not a couple and all i'm trying to explain is where i'm coming from and how it feels a little unfair the way they act and yet i get *smh*s every time i say something bothers me. whats worse is acting like shit thats happening isn't bothering them, like they're just always supportive. maybe i want you to fight for me too. once. idk. this is stupid. lmao. sorry...had to dump this crap somewhere.

growing up with my mom wasn't the easiest thing in the world. she had little patience and quite the temper. until i was about 14 she was pretty angry all the time about a lot of things that she really had no control over. i'm the only girl so she was pretty strict. just looking out for me i suppose, but at the time it was pretty crappy. in some ways i'm thankful for the way she was, i wasn't a teen mom, i didn't die and i graduated high school and went to college. i messed up a lot and pissed her off even more. but she'd come back around eventually and we'd work everything out. 

my mom had a rough childhood, as i'm sure most of our parents did. dirt poor, abusive parents (emotionally and physically), not a lot of opportunities to have a better life. i look up to her a lot. she's the first person i ask when i need advice. she's my best friend.

she taught me a lot. sometimes without even trying. she always used to tell me to be careful of my words, because good or bad, whatever i say can never be taken back. this has driven the men in my life insane because when a confrontation or fight occurs i don't say a whole lot, not in the heat of the moment. typically i just soak up whatever is going on then i come back later with my rational thoughts on the whole thing. i don't have the ability to work things out as i'm being made aware of the problem, i have to think, i have to digest the whole situation. yeah, guys don't like that. fix fix fix, now!

the other thing my mom was always big on was loyalty. little things are the best way to show and remind the people that mean the most to you that you care and will always care. not big showy acts of caring. thats what kills me about people, if you're not there to constantly prove to them that you're their friend or that you love them or whatever else, it obviously boils down to the fact that you just don't give a fuck. i'm sorry that i only have time to send you a quick "hello" text message. i'm tired and busy, all the time. i can't stop my life to show you everyday that you mean a lot to me. i would hope that you don't need that constant reassurance. i certainly don't bug you about showing me constantly that  you care or that you miss me. so...lol you can't expect what you don't give. 

i have no idea where i was going with this blog. anyway, i don't think i'd be me without my mom. she's pretty fantastic.

if you asked me yesterday

i would have told you i still cared

don't ask me today

because you aren't going to like my answer

simple as i wanted it to be

friendship is not what i remember it being like

you can only keep people satisfied 

if you're willing to change

to no longer be yourself

nobody really likes the person that you ARE

they love the person they believe you CAN be

truth is

being yourself leaves you alone

being the mold 

is how you "keep" acquaintances

so you know when i said i wanted to be friends

i changed my mind

gfy

to the few of you that stick around even when i'm not here, thank you for being cool and asking how i am when i do finally show my face around here...we must find other ways of communicating if we don't already do it.

to the rest of you...hope you're doing fantastically...

i was going to write a huge blog about whatever typical blog type shit i was thinking about, but i'll spare you a bitchfit, there's enough of that already.

peace.

i've changed my top fam...

the people in my tops have me in theirs...

so before you come to me with hurt feelings that i've taken you out of tops and/or out of my family completely, please spare me the bitch fit. i'm not trying to insult you, i also don't want anyone gauging our friendship based on where the fuck i have you in my list.

but if you don't have tops and i've kept you in mine for however long, then, i'm sorry but i'm doing what i want with my page and my tops.

i just know how people can be about where they sit in a list and this is my warning, bitch and be deleted and blocked completely. i don't wanna fuckin hear it cuz i sure as shit don't say a fucking word to you. 

THANKS have a nice day.

Holy effing frustration.

Ok. I am technically still married to my ex. We've been going over the details of how we want things to work out in regards to our daughter.

Since the day she was born we promised eachother that no matter what neither of us would ever deny the other contact with her if things between us ended up not working out. 

So right now, at this very moment I am sitting in the living room of my ex's new place. For the last...5 days I've been listening to him argue with his now girlfriend about me being here. For whatever reason she can't seem to fathom the idea that him and I are still very good friends and that no matter who else enters our lives, they need to come into knowing that him and I will always be very big parts of eachother's new lives because we are STILL our daughter's parents.

This "woman" has the nerve to tell him that me being here is a problem because she's jealous of the time he's spending with me and his daughter. I understand that our situation is a bit on the abnormal side. But we have no reason to hate one another and make things weird for our kid. We can get along and hang out and do things with her together without any weird or mean or even rekindled feelings between us. 

I'm sorry that I don't hate him and I'm sorry that he doesn't hate me and you as his girlfriend think he should hate me and that he should make things harder for all three of us. I'm sorry you're jealous that he's here with his child and not with you.

I could understand all this ridiculousness a little bit better if he was ignoring her calls and not texting her all day long and being weird or secretive when they did talk, but he's not. He tells her he loves her with me sitting right across from him in the living room and in front of our child. IDGAF! You know why, cuz I have no romantic feelings for him and he has none for me. 

She even had the nerve to tell him not to call her until we leave but not to cut his time with us short because of her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? So what happens next? He mopes around the house with major attitude. I mean, she is messing up his time with his daughter because she's being stupid. 

I am beyond frustrated with this chick. I mean I haven't even met her and I don't like her, which in turn is going to make things difficult because I'm not going to want anything to do with her. 

Idk. But what I do know is that I am blessed with an understanding and mature boyfriend and Jay, I appreciate that about you so much. Thank you for not being a tool about me coming here and thank you for trusting me enough to not be stupid about things. Because you could easily be acting as stupid as this chick is. So yeah, I love you and [a million times] THANK YOU!

All of my life I've had a pretty simple way of looking at things.  My heart is generous and kind. So hurting people and being dishonest never made much sense to me.  I think that if your actions are going to hurt people than don't do it.  Granted...I'm not completely free of making mistakes and I have made decisions based solely on the fact that its what I wanted at the time...therein hurting people or disappointing them.  I am a genuinely good person.  A little naive at times and even more often, way too trusting.  I just feel that if someone tells you something, its true.  Around here, that rule doesn't apply, then again, that rule rarely applies anywhere in life.  People are ALWAYS looking out for number one.  I suppose, in some sense, that's how it should be.  You should always be your first priority.  Never letting others determine what you do or how you feel or think.  I let people's opinion of me pull too much weight in my life because I never want to be someone that others don't like or that person that has negative things said about them.  I've probably lost out on a lot in life because of this.  Its hard to change things about yourself though, old habits die hard.  

Every day since I decided that my marriage wasn't working I've been focusing on doing what is right for my life, now.  Making the decision to stand up for myself and my unhappiness was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  But I knew that staying in a relationship that wasn't one that I wanted to be in was just going to weigh heavy on my heart for the rest of the time we spent together.  It took us two years to break ties with eachother completely.  One or the other was always hanging on to something, making the break almost impossible.  Finally, the day i drove away from him and the lie of a life we were leading I was able to focus on me.  I haven't done anything for myself since I was 18.  I've avoided my life by finding someone new to "take care of".  Someone who's problems could overshadow mine and grant me a sort of relief from them.  Boy, did I mess myself up.  I messed myself up for every person I tried to make myself love, especially my ex...because our life together became way more than just dating.  We had a baby, got married and attempted, for seven years, to have that dream, to build that life that we both thought we wanted so bad together.  It makes me sad to think that we wasted seven years of eachothers lives trying so hard to make something work that just didn't.

Now, I'm not as broken as I was 11 years ago, I'm also not glued back together either. But the difference between now and 11 years ago is that I'm aware of my cracks and of the pieces missing.  I embrace the fact that I'm not put together completely.  For me, the cracks and holes are mending slowly.  I have my beautiful daughter, who means everything to me and keeps me levelheaded and dedicated to working my life out.  I have Jay.  My amazing boyfriend, he's there for EVERYTHING.  When I need to vent he's the first person I turn to and the best thing about him is he NEVER tells me what I want to hear, he always tells me what I NEED to hear and I know what he's saying is right and its exactly where my head should be.  He's completely on my team and always trying to figure out the best way for us to work things out together.  He's the best thing to happen to me in a long time and I love him with all that I have.  He takes me for who I am and doesn't expect things from me that I can't give.  He's the love of my life, my heart, my soul-mate.  I don't care what any of you have to say about the way we met, sure, it was online...whatever.  Meeting online is pretty much the norm today anyway.  And last but not least, Amber.  She's my other -person-.  I know that no matter what, I can always turn to her.  Even if talking isn't what I want to do, she's just always there.  Just letting me know that when I decide I want to get my bullshit off my chest she's got me.  I appreciate her so much.  She's the best girlfriend a girl could ask for. 

I have no idea what this blog was supposed to be about.  I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts I was having out of my head.  They get a little bit heavy and its nice to put them down.  I was also thinking about all these people I've met online.  Those of you I've invested my heart and time into.  Sometimes it feels like its one-sided.  Most of the time actually.  And I don't mean that you're being a sucky friend, I'm saying that I'm being a sucky friend.  I'm not the best at returning sb msgs, yims, texts and especially not phone calls...I hate answering my phone...but its not because I don't want to talk to you or that I'm avoiding you, not at all.  The thing of it is that I can't just sit and talk to people all day.  I have a little girl, so talking on the phone is impossible.  She's pretty crazy, wild and loud so I wouldn't be able to hear you anyway lol. But yeah...just so you know...don't give up on me.  Keep texting, keep messaging, keep sending emails.  I love hearing from you.  Truly.

And....that's all folks.  If you read this whole thing, kudos...its a lot of ramble ramble ramble. 

BUNNIES! xo Lotsa love, Lu²

i do a pretty good job of convincing the world that i'm doing good, that things are fine...all peachy in the world of lu. thing is, i'm tired of pretending. shit sucks. but i don't want to talk to anyone about it. wanna know why, cuz i'm just gonna hear the same old shit. "you'll be fine." "things will get better." "stay positive." "look at the bright side." "things can only go up from here."

bullFUCKINGshit. i have to dig through all the crap that i'm knee deep in just to find that once i get through it...there's more shit waiting for me. yeah this is life. thanks, i'm well aware. but don't ask me how i'm doing when you can't handle what i have to tell you. most of you would just get uncomfortable and probably silent once i broke it all down. so why bother, why make you uncomfortable, why unload all of my shit onto you? its selfish to do that to people. i can take care of myself. 

however, there is one person that i unload all this shit on and to them, Thank you. Thank you for listening and not telling me what i want to hear but what i NEED to hear. Thank you for always having suggestions and for never judging my weaknesses or my faults. Just...thank you for everything.

to the few of you that TRY to get me to spill my beans, thank you for trying...i'm sorry i'm a clam by nature. i feel guilty unloading my problems on other people because i don't appreciate having that done to me. you can be pissed that i don't want to talk to you and make it about yourself, that's fine. i can't tell you how to handle things or this situation, you're the only one that can determine that. just know that i don't do things this way because i'm afraid of opening up, i do things this way because i know what it feels like to be weighed down by problems and then have people selfishly drop their own shit on you too. i don't tell you all of my problems because i'm a big girl and i work through things on my own.

to those of you that have never asked...thank you too. i'm slowly working on weeding people out of my life. you make it easy to do this. 

i'm not typically the type of person to choose sides when my friends have misunderstandings, cuz they certainly don't take sides when i'm the one in a mess. my neutrality is my scapegoat from drama, but in that sense its like -wow Lu, do you value you friendships enough to make a decision when its plainly obvious that one of these people is TOTALLY wrong?- when do i step up and make my choice? and why do i struggle so much with having to make that choice?

i guess i have never taken a side because i know the end result is the person i don't choose isn't going to like me anymore, will probably talk shit about me and perhaps whatever secrets i've shared with them will soon be known to the masses. i'll act like i don't care, that being disliked by someone doesn't bother me or that their words don't hurt. but ultimately...i hate that...i hate being disliked because i'm a pretty decent person. i'm a good friend and i'm loyal. i have my faults just like anyone else but i try really hard to fix them.

anway, i'm just rambling. jotting down some thoughts. i hate choosing sides...and like i said, i don't do it. but i am this time.