Just me again...lol...I have sat down and done some reflecting on myself and have decided I am one seriously twisted bitch!!! Now those of you who know me already know this and those of you who don't know me all that well probally had no clue.Means that I should be up for an Oscar sometime in the near future.I've gotten pretty good over the course of my life in hiding the real me from all the pruing eyes.And why did I feel it was necessary to do this??? I really have no clue,other than for along time I really did give a shit what peole thought of me.And then I didn't want what I did or believed to come back on my kids in some form or the other.But in the last few years I have started to let the real me out.The one I have had bound and gagged in the back of my mind for so long now.Am I afraid of what anyone will think??? No,not really.I have decided that those who trully love me are still going to love me regardless of how fucked up I trully am.And I am okay with that.I have some not so normal interests.
Most people already knew this and that I, don't in anyway shape or form believe in GOD.I believe it's all an early work of fiction that people have grabbed onto and ran with.There are so many lost souls out there and everybody seems to need someone or something to believe in.How can people willingly believe in a vindictive,psychotic,homicidal control freak??? Got me on that one.I have learned that the only person who is going to do anything for me is me.No one else.Now I am NOT a satanist.In order for me to be that I would have to believe in GOD and well...Nor am I WICCAN.Though I do accept and believe in alot of their rites.I am pagan,gypsy,native american in my beliefs.I am a tree hugging dirt worshipper.I do have numerous books on witchcraft and demonology.One or two on alchemy.Hell,I even own the Satanic Bible,but I also have a King James Bible.That doesn't mean I believe or practice any of it.I like to read and form my own opinions and views.So far this has worked for me.I do believe that you can find the power within yourself to perform some pretty amazing shit if you put your mind to it.I have seen and witnessed too much to believe otherwize.I believe there are ways you can channel that energy.I do believe in ghosts,spirits,demons.I strongly believe in reincarnation and other forms of life after death.And that the two do intermingle on a daily basis.I think that as we grow older we loose the ability to see and communicate with those who have gone before us.A childs mind is pure and unclouded,lacking the interference of the outside world.They are able to see what so many people easily dismiss as an "imaginary friend".I get asked alot if I am raising my children to believe the same as me and the answer is NO!!! I made a promise to Rick that I would stay completely out of that.They know and that's good enough for now.I think that as they grow older they will be able to form their own opinions with or without my input.If they decide to follow GOD then more power to them.As long as they don't come preaching to me.I have alot of people who do believe in GOD and they know my beliefs.We have just agreed to disagree and to leave it at that.Now every so often it's fun to get into a heated disagreement.But it's all in fun.I'm not going to change them and they aren't going to change me.If I go outside right now and blaspheme your God,I can guarantee you lightening will not come out of the sky and strike me down...lol...I have already done it!!! The worst thing that's going to happen is the neighbors are going to get pissed and tell me to shut the fuck up or call the cops.Nothing else.
Cemeteries are awesome at night.Calm and relaxing,very peaceful, and yes, I am alittle more than most "in love" with death.Not to the point of doing myself in or anyone else,but the whole concept fascinates me.I would rather torture someone to death than to put a bullet to their heads.And some of the ways people die are trully mind blowing (no pun).I mean c'mon.I could never jump out of a building from a 15 story window.Fuck, I would change my mind half the way down.Just the whole mentality of these people and what has to be going through their minds is intriging to say the least.Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem anyway you look at it,and why some people think their lives are so bad that they have to off themselves is sheer psychosis at it's finest.But I can understand how some people can go up on top of a building or a water tower and just open fire on the general public.Sometimes the mass amount of stupidity and ignorance are just too much for anyone to take for long.Figure that one out.
Pain is a sort of release for me.Like getting a tattoo or a piercing.Yeah it hurts like hell,but I love the pain involved.It lets me release some pent up stress and such.My pain...My gain...lol...If you're going to try to turn me on by telling me your gonna tear some shit up,then by the Gods I had better still be feeling it 2 days down the line.I ain't nobody's bitch and I hate being treated like one.Fuck,I won't break...lol...I don't go for the whole "making love" bullshit.It bores me to know end.Pain and pleasure go hand and hand for me.I like the whole biting,clawing,nails down MY back,and pulling my hair.Is a hell of an attention getter for me.But you had better like at least some in return.I am a control freak when it comes to sex.I like things my way when it comes to that.Though I do like the whole concept of being dominated, I won't let it go on for too long.I am more than willing to let someone in on what does or doesn't work for me.And most of what doesn't work for me is just about what every other woman I know prefers.No THANX!!! Have to keep things interesting too or I will get bored.I tend to do that easily.I have to have my mind stimulated as well as the rest of me.It's all very mental for me.No I didn't say emotional.
I don't believe love and sex have to go together.And for the most part I honestly believe the two shouldn't mix anyways.Because sooo many people fall "in lust" and mistake it for love and a whole world of shit gets started.Why bother??? Morals maybe??? I dunno.You have to convince yourself that you love someone to fuck them just so you don't feel like a slut??? Whatever.I guess I am a 'ho by nature then.And I am okay with this.I have only been "in love" once and don't plan on repeating that anytime in the near future,but I am by no means innocent.Now I'm not a slut.I don't go around banging everyone that crosses my path.I have no issue staying faithful to who I am with.But I don't believe that I have to be "in love" for it to be satisfying either.
I also don't believe you have to be "in love" to be in a relationship that works.If both parties know how you feel and are okay with it,then I think that's awesome.I'd rather have a friend whose a lover than a lovesick fool who cannot live without me.I want someone who likes to go out and do things,talk about nothing or the meaning of life,likes some of the stupid twisted shit that I do.BUT I don't want someone who is so much like me or tries to be like me that I might as well be dating myself.Hell no!!! I'm a fucking bitch.I couldn't put up with me for to fucking long...lol...I have no issues with them having completely and different interests and hobbies than me.I think it is good for any relationship to be able to spend time apart and to be yourself.I honestly think it is a necessity.And sometimes the differences can collide.It works both ways,but if you can't be friends with them then you have nothing to fall back on.What's the point??? It's a lose lose situaton.Why set yourself up for the heartache???
Okay,I am a little bitter in this department.Alot of what I thought to be true has proved to be false.
*I now know that love DOESNOT conquer all.
*That no matter how much you love someone it is next to impossible to forgive them.
*That people take what you have told them in the past and throw it up in your face every chance they get just to tell you how wrong you are for feeling that way.
*That no matter what you have done and would do it will never be enough for them.
*That you will owe thm for every little thing that they have ever done for you or given you,even if it at one time had been a gift.
I'm sorry but for me,I can't handle it.I can't willingly let myself get to where I am that dependent on anyone again.I was that love sick fool who couldn't picture my life without him and I have had to learn how to live all over again.I'm in no way ready for that again.
