jenni's blog: "women"

NEW YORK - Miss USA Tara Conner, who had come under criticism amid rumors she had been frequenting bars while underage, will be allowed to keep her title, Donald Trump announced Tuesday. "I've always been a believer in second chances," Trump, who owns the Miss Universe Organization with NBC, said with Conner at his side. Trump said he and Conner had met earlier Tuesday morning. "She left a small town in Kentucky and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York," Trump said. "It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple and they found out it wasn't so easy." Conner won the title in April and has been living in New York. Recent media accounts of heavy drinking brought a storm of criticism, since she was underage at the time. She turned 21 on Monday. In a tear-choked voice, Conner said, "In no way did I think it would be possible for a second chance to be given to me." Turning to Trump, she said, "You'll never know what this means to me, and I swear I will not let you down." Trump said Conner would be entering rehab. If she had been dethroned, her title would have been taken over by first runner-up Miss California Tamiko Nash. Conner, a 5-foot-5 blonde, has been competing in pageants since age 4. After winning the Miss USA title in April, she finished fourth in the Miss Universe pageant in July. In 2002, Miss Russia Oxana Fedorova won the Miss Universe pageant but was stripped of her title after violating her contract. Trump said Fedorova didn't show up for some photo shoots and charity events. It was the first time a titleholder had been ousted in the contest's more than 50-year history. Fedorova denied she was fired and said she gave up the title voluntarily

How to use and ATM machine MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6. Wind up window 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3. Re-start stalled engine 4. Wind down the window 5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror 7. Attempt to insert card into machine 8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 9. Insert card 10. Re-insert card the right way up 11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12. Enter PIN 13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN 14. Enter amount of cash required 15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 16. Retrieve cash and receipt 17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside 18. Place receipt in back of cheque book 19. Re-check make-up again 20. Drive forward two metres 21. Reverse back to cash machine 22. Retrieve card 23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided 24. Re-check make-up 25. Re-start stalled engine and move off 26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles 27. Release hand brake

Rules men wish women knew 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

Things only women understand 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time. 5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. And the number one thing only women understand: 1. Other women!!!

Things women won't say to another women That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day! We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices! He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy! Why I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt *is* fat!

The baby quiz Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough