You know i sit here every fucking day and night, not knowing what to say or how to express whats going on in side of me. Some of you might know about my profound neck injury and osme of the issues because of it. But many of you do not know the horrible depression this injury has put on me. I wake up and every singe thought of every single minute i think about the injury, how am i goign ot pay my mounting bills. The piles of it heaped on my table. How am i going to survive in life. Will things ever get better for me?
Im massively in debt with student loans, since ihad to pay my own way into college. So im sititng here without a cent to my name. The State is deciding my fate right now, are they going ot order an independant medical exam, do a retraining or do a permenent settlement. Im starting to lose everything i ever had in my life that was ever good for me. I can no longer wrestle or coach especially if i am going to go on permenet disability. That was all my life ever consisted of. Its the only thing that kept me a live. As odd as that sounds with out wrestling and the people ive met along the way, i would have gotten into drugs heavily and probably died in some violent way.
When my mom yes my mom got involved in wrestling she slowly turned my freinds against me ( my mom and i do not like each other . I felt betrayed and for better part of a decade ive been fighting this problem to no end. I am truly sick of my mom. She has to be the most selfish evil human being i have ever met in my life. I wont even discuss her further. Anyway, so my family is slowly withdrawing any support for me and putting it back onto my sister who is now going through a divorce. My family has always been more for her because she had the family kids. So im completely abandoned again. My sister was a very physically and mentally violent person to me growing up. There are things she has done that i find it difficult to forgive or forget. Yet i feel so sorry for her and my neices that she is going through this.
One of the things that has always bothered me was the fact that i remember events with almost crystalclarity, and yet my family does not and they tell me im completely out of touch with reality that im nuts. This is so hurtful to hear, it makes me doubt my sanity at times.
You know i sit here writing my problems out to you... i dont ever expect anyone to say anything back mostly no one responds to anything i say... i feel invisible these days, like im one of the untouchables in India.
Its no small wonder why i sit here contemplating if its even worth living anymore. I really dont have nmuch left in me. I feel so completely over whelmed and i jsut want the pain, the misery the never ending stress to just go away
