Being "The Best Dad' in the World (according to my 6 and 8 year old sons when I am about to buy them something or go somewhere they want to go), my sons and I venture to local Malls quite a bit for shopping. Let me define "shopping" as it exists for me. We spend about 2 hours walking around the Mall looking at things that I can't afford to buy for myself while stopping at pretty much every "kid" related store to get something for each of them. I don't spoil them with buying them everything...but I've learned a secret if you buy them something (it could be something for a Quarter) at each place you go they never complain. So by the end of the shopping, I've spent probably $5.00 on each of them...but they have two bags full of stuff. They don't care. Also, I finally realized what the Hell "Dollar Stores" were for...Divorced Dads. I love those places. I can go in and buy a friggin' Spatula for a $1.00 and the kids can get crap too. Anyway back to the Mall. We've been in every store in the Mall. My oldest, who can now read well which is more of a curse than a blessing, sees "Spencer Gifts." (which is sort of like a Head shop/T Shirt/Poster/Lava Lamp Store in the Northeast and possibly elsewhere) He starts asking me to go in there. I say "no" a half dozen times. He then adds that he needs to go in there because his name is "Spenser" and he should show support for the store since they share the same name. (I don't know where he gets this shit from...but he comes up with it. He's the best person I've ever heard at debating and he's only 8.) These stores are full of "Adult Toys and Games" which I don't want them to see. But, the bastard owners of the stores put all sort of flashing neon signs and shit by the door so the kids are drawn to it like moths to flame.
I finally give in, like a prisoner resigned to his own execution. My shoulders slumped we enter the store. I've always said that kids are great at homing in on the one or two things that will most embarrass a parent. They blow by all of the other stuff and head like perverted heat-seeking missles to the "Adult Toys and Games" section. I'm trying to distract them with "Hey Guys! Let's go look at the Rock Band T-Shirts and Posters." Nope, that doesn't work for shit. They chop through the Adult Section like crazed lumberjacks. My 6 year old holds lingerie up to his body and doing a friggin' dance. The oldest, who can read and I stated it was a curse, shouts out the titles of the games and laughing.
'Dad! What's 'Hide the Banana'?"
and
"Let's get Naked Twister."
Now people are looking at me like a freak for bringing my kids in the store. But it got worse, if you can imagine it. They find the "personal massagers." Not the ones in the boxes but the ones on display. They each grab one, as they share one mind, and start with the mock "lightsaber" fight. So now I'm trying to herd the kids into a row and they're in the open spot by the shelves making the "VVVMMMM" sounds like in Star Wars and clacking the two vibrators together as they duel. Now, just to avoid imprisonment I grab them both, make them put the "lightsabers" back, and get the Hell out of the store. As we're leaving, the oldest wants to look at the posters. Since, I'm just glad we're out of the Adult Section, I agree but "only for a few minutes." He flips through and gets to the Supermodels. "Look at the Boobs on her Dad!" That's it...we're out of the store. Now the both of them are saying in unison "Daddy likes Boobies!...Daddy likes Boobies!"
To cap it all off, the oldest says "I can't wait to tell Mom about how cool that store was." Later that night I got the expected call from Ex, vilifying me for taking them into Spencer Gifts. Horrible.
