Belladonna's blog: "Why is dating so hard?"

So here I am...a year later. I don't think I've written in quite awhile. Why? Because I've been busy. Not busy GOOD but busy necessary. Unfortunately with busy comes "lack of fun". The good news is that my daughter is finally doing well health-wise, so that is a big load off my mind. Financially I am still not doing well, even though I've taken on another job and make pretty good money. The economy sucks. Where is my knight in shinig armor to take me away from all this? The reason I write this blog today is this: My daughter and I had a conversation last night that is still bothering me. I have posted a profile on a site for rich men (supposedly). She told me she is very upset by this. How could I "lower" myself to putting myself out there like that? How could I let everyone know that I am a gold digger? I explained to her that I am only trying to find a different caliber of guy...and that it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich guy as it is a poor one. Why not look in new places? While I realize that it's not necessarily so that every guy on the site has money (it's not like they verify it), I thought the risks are the same as on any other site. You might just find the right guy and he might be able to actually support himself and together we'd be financially secure. Is that too much to ask? I am not looking to be a kept woman. I could not sit around all day eating bon bons and watching soaps...go to the club and meet the "girls" for lunch and drinks. I am not that type of person. But I DO tire of always worrying about paying my bills and taking care of my and my daughter's health. Is that so BAD? Is she right? Am I embarassing myself? Your thoughts....

So, I was perusing this dating site one day a while back, and I had sent an email to a man whom I found had an interesting profile and I thought was extremely handsome. I was in his "age range", lived within a short distance, and had all the qualities he said he wanted in a woman. He also said that his ideal mate didn't "have to be perfect" and he likes women of "all shapes and sizes". I thought..."dang, this dude is perfect". I don't normally make the first move on a dating site unless it's for bigger women, because I can't profess to know if a person is interested in a larger lady or not. So, I took a chance and sent an email to this guy a while back. I finally get a response today. "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a good fit." It really hurt my feelings, because, based on what he said, we were a PERFECT fit. I don't give a damn, really, because I am interested in someone else. But, even so, it hurt my feelings and I can't get it out of my head. How stupid is that? Why do we beat ourselves up when a total stranger, who we don't even care about, is rude or says something we don't like? I'm not an insecure person most of the time. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe I'm feeling lonely. Maybe I just need to get laid. All I know is that I probably would have preferred NO response than "we're not a good fit". Am I stupid?

Okay. I seem to be really attractive to married men. Or is it that they just think my self esteem sucks so I'll be an easy target? Or, is it just that there are so many married men who want to cheat on their wives these days that it's inevitable that I encounter a few? Now, if I was just wanting to have fun and no commitment, a married man is the way to go. But, would that in some way stand in the way of me meeting "the man for me?" Would HE look badly upon me for having been with a married man? I'd like to hear some thoughts from guys on this subject. Does it tend to not sway you one way or the other to know that a woman has been with a married guy? Or do you end up thinking of her as someone who is untrustworthy, lacking something, or just a ho? I'm curious.....

Okay. It's a new day and I feel much more positive. I had a bad couple of days...so sue me. LOL. I am back to being optimistic. One needs to only look to themselves for happiness and pleasure. Finding someone to share it is gravy, don't you think? Here's what I plan to do: Move on with no regrets. Yes, you can spend time with someone and they can shit all over you. It's better to experience life, all it's ups and downs, and BE ALIVE rather than sitting around being cautious and wondering what might have been. Mind you, this doesn't mean being totally STUPID. But I believe that it's all good as long as you don't hurt anyone. Be HONEST and look at things with someone of the opposite sex for what the ARE and not what you WISH they were. Oh, I must be frank here...honesty means not omitting little facts that could change someone mind about whether to be with you. Just wanted to clarify that. I know some things are better left for later in the relationship, but MAJOR things that you know would affect someone's judgment on whether to be with you (such as the fact that you are married or are living with someone that you're having sex with on a regular basis). Still, some things to remember (in regards to the above statement). 1) If someone ONLY talks to you while they are working or are in their car - they are married. 2) If they don't want to talk at all about their home life....they are married. 3) If they accuse you of cheating on them...they are married or are in a relationship. Unless of course you are cheating...LOL 4) If they don't EVER invite you to their house....they are married. (Keep in mind though that sometimes their spouse is away and they can invite you over as long as they aren't friendly with their neighbors..LOL. Why do I always feel the need to lay this stuff out to all of you? Cuz I am sweet that way :) And helpful.

Okay. So I have been told I'm a sensuous person. That for me to be happy, I need to be touched (I'm not just saying sexually here). I need to be hugged, stroked, kissed, caressed and have my hair played with. I need to hold hands with someone. And yes, I need sex, but it's not just the act that I need. I need to be loved, too. Worshipped. Not just wham, bam, thank you ma'am (although sometimes that is JUST what I need), but a long, slow burning build up of passion that can only be felt between two people who truly care about one another. But, the dilemma is this....what do you do when you don't have that possibility? Masturbate? That has started to really not do it for me. Oh, when you gotta, you gotta. I get it. But I need the passionate kissing, the man who brushes the hair from my eyes, puts his hand on my face, kisses my forehead. Sigh.... I don't need Prince Charming...I just need someone who knows who he is. :)

Okay, I decided to have a little rant about the whole "dating thing". Here's what I think: Men are very visual creatures and think with their penis. If you put out on the first date, you are a ho, but if you don't, they may never call you again. I was married in 1988 and I have to tell you, before I got married I was SCARED. AIDS was fairly new, and "came about" while I was in college. So, all the partying and sex I had as a wild college student could have come back to haunt me. Luckily it did NOT. All we had to worry about back in the eighties was getting pregnant. I was on BC for that. I got divorced in '98 and the whole world had changed. All of a sudden you were taking your life into your own hands if you didn't have a condom. I knew people who got sick and it scared me. So, I searched to find someone to be monogamous with, but not wanting to marry again right away or settle down totally since I was SO WRONG in choosing my husband. So, I found someone and had a five year relationship, after going a bit wild for awhile but still being safe. That did not last due to his wanting to be a good father....let's not go there. Now I am dating again and I am almost 45. It is weird. My daughter is of dating age and I feel I must set a good example. But it seems that I can group men into these categories: 1) young men - most either want to just get laid as much as possible and don't want to put the time and effort into a relationship or pleasing their woman. Some want to have kids. This babymaking machine is CLOSED for business my pretties...LOL. 2) men my age - alot of them have just broken up with someone and have kids. They are taken up on weekends with "kid things". I don't mind kids at all (I am a teacher....love them) but that is my job and I don't want ALL my time to be with children. My daughter is almost grown. I don't mind spending time getting to know your kids but can we be alone first? 3) older men - borrrrrrrrring. So far anyway. They are so set in their ways and while they are good at pleasing a woman, they often can't "hang" with me when it comes to sex. Yet they ARE attentive and loving (usually) but don't seem to want to use condoms (they were younger BEFORE AIDS or B.A.). The good news is that their kids are usually grown and can spend time with you, but if they have a good career, they work too much. So, where does this leave me? Alone, I guess. LOL. It gets pretty depressing. While I LOVE sex, I'd like to attach some meaning to it. I love being in love. I enjoy the romance. I want the whole enchilada. Is that too much to ask? I'm starting to think so.